Think about it this way. You're truly exercising your self agency to do all of those attempts. You failed, sure. But you already did them. You're not a coward and if you're still breathing today, there's always another day to try again. Don't be pressured.
I wonder what you told you friend, though.
I mean, I would think that committing is a loser thing to do. It's worse to die by your own terms than to live by everybody else's terms. Have you ever felt like that? I feel like this everyday.
I'd suggest stopping the attempts for a while now and try to journal about the things that are holding you back, extrapolate on the things you've jotted down, then try again. You can categorize your concerns by:
- Reasons > delve into your reasons to CTB, write your last note--see into what you'd like to add more to it or what you'd like to subtract (people, memories, places, etc.)
- Preparations > Things you're going to leave (notes, legal docs, belongings, etc.)
- Methods > maybe it's the wrong dose, maybe the knot is too loose, etc.
- Aftermath > after you're gone, who will still worry sick about you? Right before you're gone, who's still on your mind?
I spent weeks writing and rewriting my suicide note and I'm sure that years from now, when I'm ready, I'll rewrite that shit again to truly get my points across. I won't die just because.
