NSFW Freaked out this morning lmfao (Story?)

[foggyskies_]

For the past week or so I've been relapsed on self harm, everything just got too overwhelming that my blade became comforting again. I keep trying to explain that I cut because I want to live, not because I want to die. But that's not the point.

So, maybe a little gross, but part of my routine is genital mutilation. Long story about why, I'm weird and delusional about a lot of things! My OCD & OCPD has gotten louder and cutting is deeply related to the compulsions, especially moral compulsions. Can't go on living if I don't punish myself and atone. Anyway.

I try to never cut beyond the epidermis layer, so I don't worry about stitches or serious bleeding or infection. But I got a little out of control last night, and it's hard to see what you're doing at certain angles. So guess how much I got scared when I woke up with much more blood than normal in that area >_<... Turns out, I started my period at an insanely inopportune time! Thank fuck!

I hope some of you got a laugh out of this. I hope you have an alright day, and if not, I hope tommorrow's better.

As for me... In general, my life's looking up. College is going well, I got a callback from the job, I started volunteering at a place that will be good for my resume. After I calmed down and put my knife away I impulse bought a bunch of fun clothes and Vocaloid merch. Maybe it's stupid, but controlled shopping to de-stress is better than whatever "punishment" I can think up for myself.

As much as things are going okay, my mind just keeps getting darker. I have some friends now, I guess. I still see myself as a dissapointment, cause that's all I hear when I'm home. My father turned my happiness at getting hired into another reason on why I'm not doing enough somehow. I hope to god with the new income I can move out before the end of the year. I promised myself last year that I'd move out before Christmas. It didn't work out, obviously. But I think it might be doable this time. I hope that when I get out I can start to be actually happy. Cause in here, every time I try and foster my own happiness, I get literally beaten back down until I have no hope left. Fun...


Again, I wish the best for all of you. Wherever you may go, I hope you find something good. ♡

 

[timf]

It sounds like you have a control system well established. Rather than trying to switch to something different, you might want to work at building a parallel control system Some people use exercise, but if you can't afford gym, you might try holding a 5lb. bag of sugar at arms length.and see how long you can hold it up. The difficulty might work as a "payment".

It is a shame your father cannot come up with something helpful. However, many people are inclined to criticism without having anything helpful to suggest. You might want to research Insotitol for the OCD. I have read some good things about it, but the daily dose seems pretty high. I don't now if q lower does would still be effective.

 

[jonathanjoestar]

For the past week or so I've been relapsed on self harm, everything just got too overwhelming that my blade became comforting again. I keep trying to explain that I cut because I want to live, not because I want to die. But that's not the point.

So, maybe a little gross, but part of my routine is genital mutilation. Long story about why, I'm weird and delusional about a lot of things! My OCD & OCPD has gotten louder and cutting is deeply related to the compulsions, especially moral compulsions. Can't go on living if I don't punish myself and atone. Anyway.

I try to never cut beyond the epidermis layer, so I don't worry about stitches or serious bleeding or infection. But I got a little out of control last night, and it's hard to see what you're doing at certain angles. So guess how much I got scared when I woke up with much more blood than normal in that area >_<... Turns out, I started my period at an insanely inopportune time! Thank fuck!

I hope some of you got a laugh out of this. I hope you have an alright day, and if not, I hope tommorrow's better.

As for me... In general, my life's looking up. College is going well, I got a callback from the job, I started volunteering at a place that will be good for my resume. After I calmed down and put my knife away I impulse bought a bunch of fun clothes and Vocaloid merch. Maybe it's stupid, but controlled shopping to de-stress is better than whatever "punishment" I can think up for myself.

As much as things are going okay, my mind just keeps getting darker. I have some friends now, I guess. I still see myself as a dissapointment, cause that's all I hear when I'm home. My father turned my happiness at getting hired into another reason on why I'm not doing enough somehow. I hope to god with the new income I can move out before the end of the year. I promised myself last year that I'd move out before Christmas. It didn't work out, obviously. But I think it might be doable this time. I hope that when I get out I can start to be actually happy. Cause in here, every time I try and foster my own happiness, I get literally beaten back down until I have no hope left. Fun...


Again, I wish the best for all of you. Wherever you may go, I hope you find something good. ♡

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU. i always felt like a disappointment. I know my life is my own to live, but deep down, i felt like my lives revolve around my parents. My mood is whatever they are feeling. And my biggest insecurity is seen as dumb or useless by my parents. At school, my friends are proud of me, they genuinely felt happy because they seen me struggling overall , either in studies, or wanting to get out of my comfort zones, they genuinely happy for every small achievement i made (even though they achieved a lot more, but i have never felt small when im with them). But when i got home and tell my parents all the small achievements, first thing they will ask are "how about your friends?" to valuate the difficulty of whatever test i answered. Of course they did better than me, and instead of praising me, i will be compared to them even though yhey have never met my friends. Everything LIKE EVERYTHING in my life that i felt proud of achieving, they will always made me feel small, or that im not that special for achieving those things. Its either they uses their connections(for becoming student council at my school, or entering prestige boarding school) or whatever im working, its not even that hard, because i was able to do it. I know its kinda hypocrite to say this when i did not said the same thing to myself, but, im genuinely proud of you. You had a rough start, but still manage to pick up yourself and achieving things, THAT FOR ME ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING BIG AND I AM PROUD OF YOU. KEEP STRIVING FORWARD AND BITCH SLAP YOUR DAD WITH YOUR DOLLAR BILLS EARNED FROM YOUR JOB. (Sorry english is not my first language and i hope whatever i want to convey, reaches you

 

[Crematoryy]

For the past week or so I've been relapsed on self harm, everything just got too overwhelming that my blade became comforting again. I keep trying to explain that I cut because I want to live, not because I want to die. But that's not the point.

So, maybe a little gross, but part of my routine is genital mutilation. Long story about why, I'm weird and delusional about a lot of things! My OCD & OCPD has gotten louder and cutting is deeply related to the compulsions, especially moral compulsions. Can't go on living if I don't punish myself and atone. Anyway.

I try to never cut beyond the epidermis layer, so I don't worry about stitches or serious bleeding or infection. But I got a little out of control last night, and it's hard to see what you're doing at certain angles. So guess how much I got scared when I woke up with much more blood than normal in that area >_<... Turns out, I started my period at an insanely inopportune time! Thank fuck!

I hope some of you got a laugh out of this. I hope you have an alright day, and if not, I hope tommorrow's better.

As for me... In general, my life's looking up. College is going well, I got a callback from the job, I started volunteering at a place that will be good for my resume. After I calmed down and put my knife away I impulse bought a bunch of fun clothes and Vocaloid merch. Maybe it's stupid, but controlled shopping to de-stress is better than whatever "punishment" I can think up for myself.

As much as things are going okay, my mind just keeps getting darker. I have some friends now, I guess. I still see myself as a dissapointment, cause that's all I hear when I'm home. My father turned my happiness at getting hired into another reason on why I'm not doing enough somehow. I hope to god with the new income I can move out before the end of the year. I promised myself last year that I'd move out before Christmas. It didn't work out, obviously. But I think it might be doable this time. I hope that when I get out I can start to be actually happy. Cause in here, every time I try and foster my own happiness, I get literally beaten back down until I have no hope left. Fun...


Again, I wish the best for all of you. Wherever you may go, I hope you find something good. ♡

I could relate to the "promoting one's own happiness while being ruined by one's family" part. I am a stranger to those who should know me. I couldn't help but associate your "moral compulsion to self-harm" with sadomasochism. My porn-addicted brain is producing many sexual compulsions.

 

[Persik]

I am glad that your life is going well despite all the circumstances. You think clearly, although you are fixated on your father, who does not appreciate you. Your friends see the good in you, this is truly valuable. It hurts me to read that you harm your body and I hope that in the future you will cope and not cut yourself. And the darkness in the soul can only be dealt with spiritually. Whatever you do, wherever you are, if your spiritual home is empty, then everything is in vain and only leads to depression. As you rightly wrote: "the darkness in the soul increases with time" - this is true, it can be even worse if you do not take charge of yourself. You are still learning, so your life is essentially just beginning. Please do not miss the moment of creating your own life, when it will completely pass into your hands, although the moment of transition is already underway. I would not want you to suffer.