Life just feels extremely pointless and tiring. I don't know why I still try so much everyday to feel happy. I think I was much better when I was numb, atleast i wasnt spiralling into insanity back then. Now it's like the universe is out to kill me and no matter how much I want to or try to feel better, I won't.
Having an abusive mom and an absent dad did wonders for my mental health. Which started spiralling since I was 7 years old. Now, more than a decade later I think I've reached rock bottom. I don't see the point in trying so hard. The only reason I can't kill myself is because I know I'll make some people really upset and that fills me with guilt. When I go out of this world I want it to be peaceful, for myself and for others. I don't want to bring pain to anyone.
But living is hard so so hard. I'm ashamed of my entire existence, everything I do or say, I'm hyper conscious of everything I do and it's so tiring to always second guess what I'm gonna do how it's gonna make the other person feel. I don't remember the last time I felt happy without feeling anxious simultaneously, which is to say I don't think I've ever been truly truly happy. Everytime I feel even slightly glad at something this dread pools in the pit of my stomach and I know I'll be feeling bad real soon.
I try and try and try and yet the ups in my life are overshadowed by the lows which always seem to be worse than the last. The high points in my life are not even moments of bliss, just times were I'm not feeling the baseline feeling. It just all feels so futile. Why do I have to fight against life to just survive? If it's such a struggle to survive then it should be for the fittest, and I'm not one of them. I'm extremely weak. Everyday I wish for death or atleast for everyone around me to start hating me.
I'm not afraid of dying or killing myself as I've prepared myself for that for so long. I don't even care how much it will hurt, as long as I die and can stop existing I'm content. I wish I had it in me to feel better. I wish I had it in me to wish for a better life for myself. I can't do that anymore, hope scares me and hoping for anything even slightly makes me panic. Life has always been a losing battle for me. I just want to rest. I'm tired of trying
Anyone who's read till here just know you're one of the first to hear my thoughts or anything about my life. I've always been ashamed of it to the point of avoiding making friends since friendship is a two way thing and for me it's always felt insincere and fake to just make you talk and not share anything about me. Despite this I've attracted amazing people into my life somehow and it's just made me feel worse and worse. I can't help but regret all the relations I've knowingly or unknowingly formed over the years, because they all seem to care about me and it hurts. They don't know what I'm going through and they never will. It's not in me to open up to anyone and I am fine with it. All i expect from people is comfort not familiarity. And even though I'm grateful for everyone around me I've never been comforted the way I want ever. It's on me though, i have to ask for help, i have to reach out and say that I'm struggling for that. But I can't, shame is so deeply rooted in me and every action I take it's funny at this point.
I'll wrap this up with something that hurts to read
Having an abusive mom and an absent dad did wonders for my mental health. Which started spiralling since I was 7 years old. Now, more than a decade later I think I've reached rock bottom. I don't see the point in trying so hard. The only reason I can't kill myself is because I know I'll make some people really upset and that fills me with guilt. When I go out of this world I want it to be peaceful, for myself and for others. I don't want to bring pain to anyone.
But living is hard so so hard. I'm ashamed of my entire existence, everything I do or say, I'm hyper conscious of everything I do and it's so tiring to always second guess what I'm gonna do how it's gonna make the other person feel. I don't remember the last time I felt happy without feeling anxious simultaneously, which is to say I don't think I've ever been truly truly happy. Everytime I feel even slightly glad at something this dread pools in the pit of my stomach and I know I'll be feeling bad real soon.
I try and try and try and yet the ups in my life are overshadowed by the lows which always seem to be worse than the last. The high points in my life are not even moments of bliss, just times were I'm not feeling the baseline feeling. It just all feels so futile. Why do I have to fight against life to just survive? If it's such a struggle to survive then it should be for the fittest, and I'm not one of them. I'm extremely weak. Everyday I wish for death or atleast for everyone around me to start hating me.
I'm not afraid of dying or killing myself as I've prepared myself for that for so long. I don't even care how much it will hurt, as long as I die and can stop existing I'm content. I wish I had it in me to feel better. I wish I had it in me to wish for a better life for myself. I can't do that anymore, hope scares me and hoping for anything even slightly makes me panic. Life has always been a losing battle for me. I just want to rest. I'm tired of trying
Anyone who's read till here just know you're one of the first to hear my thoughts or anything about my life. I've always been ashamed of it to the point of avoiding making friends since friendship is a two way thing and for me it's always felt insincere and fake to just make you talk and not share anything about me. Despite this I've attracted amazing people into my life somehow and it's just made me feel worse and worse. I can't help but regret all the relations I've knowingly or unknowingly formed over the years, because they all seem to care about me and it hurts. They don't know what I'm going through and they never will. It's not in me to open up to anyone and I am fine with it. All i expect from people is comfort not familiarity. And even though I'm grateful for everyone around me I've never been comforted the way I want ever. It's on me though, i have to ask for help, i have to reach out and say that I'm struggling for that. But I can't, shame is so deeply rooted in me and every action I take it's funny at this point.
I'll wrap this up with something that hurts to read
