Venting Finding myself back here

[wanttosleep]

I find myself back here after 2 years since I failed an attempt. Since then not much has changed in my life but the anhedonia and the feeling of emptiness only grow. As well I have been watching the world and humanity as it continues to get worse. In that time I have mostly drifted along through life by routine and obligation. Friends and family bring no joy anymore.

My grandma passed away a few months ago and nothing, I felt nothing, no sadness or grief only the same hollowness I have felt for years. The only thought I had and feeling I had was I want die as well as she and the family wanted her to desperately cling to life for as long as possible.

Shortly after that I had my birthday and my family attempted to give the gift of the adoption of a beagle. Beagle is my favourite breed. I lost my dog three years ago and was my final tether to living and was the catalyst for my first attempt to CTB. When they had they had tried to surprise me I had to decline them because all I could see was commitment to living for however long that dog was going to live because I would love that dog and no matter what I would never CTB while it was alive. But it brought back all the thoughts of CTB back and when everyone was gone I spent 15 minutes crying silently alone in dark so no one could know how much it really affected me.

My ideation has been increasing lately as well and finding myself take more risks. I find myself crossing the road without care, while driving at night alone on the road holding my foot down on the accelerator hoping to crash. at the same time trying to improve myself hoping to feel better. I have tried exercising and eat healthier and getting a cpap to improve my sleep in the hopes that one of these thing will make me feel better but it has been in vain. Nothing has helped while physically I feel better I still have no drive or want to be here anymore.

I still have my original setup including the tank. It has been sitting the in corner of the room ever since my first attempt. I often stare it and occasionally sit at my desk with hood in my hand.l waiting for the feeling to put it on and try again.

I am sorry for rambling but I don't have any outlet to express this. I journal every so often to release but knowing no one will ever read it is not the same. At least here even if no one reads it I can pretend someone else knows what I am truly feeling besides me.

 

[wanttosleep]

I cried in my car last night I haven't done that in awhile but I was think about my dog max and the feelings were just overwhelming. I also felt guilty because I feel that same connection with no one else. I watched recently at all my family crying, grieving and sobbing uncontrollably at my grandmother passing. I felt nothing, no pain, no sadness just cold indifference. I have always felt broken inside. I feel like I was built with important pieces missing. I have never had human best friend.i have had friends but I think we were more acquaintances of convenience than anything else. I don't think they actually liked me but rather tolerated me I don't know how to connect to people properly. I used jokes to avoid being vulnerable. The only times I have cried were alone. Even as I was holding my dog max dead around family i was empty there was nothing but as soon as I was in my car driving all the feeling came crashing like a tsunami. I was being pulled under by it weight. I was crying so much I couldnt see. I had to pull over and cry. The moment I stepped in to the vet my brain turned it all off and my mask went on. I have always kept people 10 feet away in fear. I don't know what they are thinking. I don't understand what emotions they are feeling when they look at me. And yet I such feelings of empathy and anger and rage for injustice in world. Recently the targetted attacks on trans people, slavery and child labour and the genocide. I don't understand how I can feel so strongly about people I have no connection to except the understanding of injustice but I have no rise in emotion for family. I don't even know if I even feel love towards them. I care for them but during my first attempt they amounted to less than a second of hesitation.

The anhedonia is making me really struggle. I used find some joy in learning new skill, hobbies and baking. The effects have been diminishing for years. It has hit a real low point. I don't get any joy only the monetary distraction before my I decide it isn't worth it and put it back down.