Help Finally have the chance to heal and improve my life but now I have no motivation

[RosebyAnyName]

One of my biggest reasons for wanting to CTB was because I was stuck living with my parents. I have almost nothing in common with them, and I felt like I couldn't do anything without them judging me and pushing me down. I wanted to live freely, to pursue my interests and goals and do whatever I wanted without having to hear their opinion on it. It motivated me to work hard so I could move out: I went to school, went to post-secondary, got a full time job, saved as much as possible.

After all that hard work, I finally have the means to move out, only to realize it wasn't worth it. I wanted a spacious house, but I don't want money to be too tight and I don't want to clean it. I passed up on some single family detached homes because they're all fixer-uppers in my price range and I'm too lazy to do any work on them. One of my goals was to have a garden, but now I don't even want a yard because I'll have to mow the lawn every week while still barely being able to afford it. The only thing worth doing, based on work put in vs enjoyment received, is watching youtube videos and doing drugs. Turns out I actually like rotting in my parents basement because it's less work, and all my goals and dreams were too much work for what they're worth anyways.

I'm confident I would have had the drive and motivation to move out when I was younger. I wanted it so badly, I had so many plans and ideas, the only thing I was missing was the money. Now that I've worked my whole life for the money to only get half of what I want, I'm ready to stare at my phone straight to the coffin and never have to work another day of my life. Why even work towards anything when it won't be possible, or won't be satisfying?

 

[neurotic]

Oh my god first off, congratulations on getting so far, that's actually huge. I had so much trouble finding a place to stay to get away from my family. It kept getting put off for a "better opportunity" so I ended up just settling on a relatively cheap/nice apartment just for the time being. Honestly, not even that much furniture also, just necessities. That way, I'm out of the house, recovering, and can plan my next steps safely and independently.

Here's what I did:
Maybe you're overwhelmed by the decisions, and passing up on a house definitely sounds demoralizing. I'd really recommend starting small like an apartment, I know they're expensive right now, but with a year lease you can really figure things out by then.
Almost as soon as I moved out on my own, I was succeeding at everything I wanted. My personal time frame, a year to fulfill expectations, was shattered when my motivation returned and surpassed what I hoped would happen. At this rate, I'm not even halfway through my lease and I already have some solid foundations for a house if I wanted. (Probably not though, I want to get out of this state first lol)

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm overselling it, especially if getting an apartment in your area is out of the question, but it's really worked out for me and your situation sounds so, so similar. Good luck.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I had a weird realization more recently, which is that I actually fear autonomy and hate making my own decisions, and that I'm bad at making decisions. I don't trust myself and I hate feeling so far behind my peers.

My biggest dream was to be independent because I always felt like my parents were too controlling. I really resent them for it, I never felt like my own person but just an extension of them. When I told them I would start looking for a place to move out, I was worried they would try to control my decision, but they told me that they would try to stay out of it and not influence my decision. Learning that they were going to try and stay out of it was... actually very frustrating and not relieving at all. To me, it almost feels like they spent my whole life criticizing me for making mistakes and not doing things their way, but when it came to big things they refused to help. It feels like they refused to let me learn to make my own decisions, yet left me in the dust and just blamed me for my mistakes when it actually mattered (this is relevant to my past traumas). Now I just feel enmeshed / dependent on them and it's a lot harder to break away, I would have left much sooner if I had the resources. It's humiliating to still be here.

Oh my god first off, congratulations on getting so far, that's actually huge. I had so much trouble finding a place to stay to get away from my family. It kept getting put off for a "better opportunity" so I ended up just settling on a relatively cheap/nice apartment just for the time being. Honestly, not even that much furniture also, just necessities. That way, I'm out of the house, recovering, and can plan my next steps safely and independently.

Here's what I did:
Maybe you're overwhelmed by the decisions, and passing up on a house definitely sounds demoralizing. I'd really recommend starting small like an apartment, I know they're expensive right now, but with a year lease you can really figure things out by then.
Almost as soon as I moved out on my own, I was succeeding at everything I wanted. My personal time frame, a year to fulfill expectations, was shattered when my motivation returned and surpassed what I hoped would happen. At this rate, I'm not even halfway through my lease and I already have some solid foundations for a house if I wanted. (Probably not though, I want to get out of this state first lol)

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm overselling it, especially if getting an apartment in your area is out of the question, but it's really worked out for me and your situation sounds so, so similar. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply, this helped me put things in perspective. I remember how liberated I felt when I first realized being away from my parents made me feel much better. I think condo / apartment is the way to go for me, I know my parents have biases against them that I've internalized but I think it really is the best thing for me at this point in life.

 

[hoppybunny]

One of my biggest reasons for wanting to CTB was because I was stuck living with my parents. I have almost nothing in common with them, and I felt like I couldn't do anything without them judging me and pushing me down. I wanted to live freely, to pursue my interests and goals and do whatever I wanted without having to hear their opinion on it. It motivated me to work hard so I could move out: I went to school, went to post-secondary, got a full time job, saved as much as possible.

After all that hard work, I finally have the means to move out, only to realize it wasn't worth it. I wanted a spacious house, but I don't want money to be too tight and I don't want to clean it. I passed up on some single family detached homes because they're all fixer-uppers in my price range and I'm too lazy to do any work on them. One of my goals was to have a garden, but now I don't even want a yard because I'll have to mow the lawn every week while still barely being able to afford it. The only thing worth doing, based on work put in vs enjoyment received, is watching youtube videos and doing drugs. Turns out I actually like rotting in my parents basement because it's less work, and all my goals and dreams were too much work for what they're worth anyways.

I'm confident I would have had the drive and motivation to move out when I was younger. I wanted it so badly, I had so many plans and ideas, the only thing I was missing was the money. Now that I've worked my whole life for the money to only get half of what I want, I'm ready to stare at my phone straight to the coffin and never have to work another day of my life. Why even work towards anything when it won't be possible, or won't be satisfying?

I don't know ur full situation or mental state. But it really sounds like fear of the unknown may be holding you back. I have a similar thing as well where whenever i have something i want within reach it suddenly feels like too much work and I think my current life isn't that bad. Then when the opportunity passes i suddenly realize it may not have been that bad and i wasted an opportunity.

I think the term for this is comfortably complacent.

You're best bet imo. Is to start with something small that doesn't need fixing till you get used to independence and your motivation comes back, or just get the fuxer upper and not fix anything that's not important.

Like mold or no heat, definitely needs fixing. But mowing the lawn can be ignored. Plus if you don't wanna mow, you can clear your lawn once and replace it with native plants instead. It's easier to maintain, saves on water and doesn't need to be mowed and i think if u have an hoa they can't force u to cut it. (But def look into it)

Learning that they were going to try and stay out of it was... actually very frustrating and not relieving at all. To me, it almost feels like they spent my whole life criticizing me for making mistakes and not doing things their way, but when it came to big things they refused to help. It feels like they refused to let me learn to make my own decisions, yet left me in the dust and just blamed me for my mistakes when it actually mattered (this is relevant to my past traumas). Now I just feel enmeshed / dependent on them and it's a lot harder to break away, I would have left much sooner if I had the resources. It's humiliating to still be here.

What you're feeling here is not actually wrong. Controlling parents like to set their kids up for failure so you listen to them more later.

My parents did this to me a lot. And still do. Biggest example for me is they never let me participate in extra curriculars and never taught me how to eat a balanced diet and so obviously i grew up overweight. And now when I try to fix it they antagonize me on purpose so i do it their way(which is forcing me to take ozempic).

A better example which i mentioned on another one of your posts is with my sister. They told her to buy a house instead of renting so that if they got mad at her, they'd refuse to answer her whenever she had a house problem to make her regret not listening to them.

Controlling parents purposely micromanage every decision and leave you high and dry on big decisions to make you feel helpless.

It starts very young and small so it's hard to notice. First time when i noticed was when i was like 14. I had never even chosen my own meal at a fast food place before. They always picked everything for me.

Then i won a gift card from a class contest. And the amount was barely enough for a single meal. My mother insisted i should get nuggets so everyone can get one each. But i wanted to get a single sandwich for myself. So she got mad at me and refused to follow me to help order. So i went in very nervous. I had no idea what a combo meal or anything was nor did i have any extra money besides the gift card. So i got a combo and it went literally a dollar over. And at the time i didn't know i could just say remove an item. So i got worried and went to my mum for help.

And she yelled at me and said it was good that I was confused and that she refuses to give me any money and i should go back and embarrass myself.

I went back crying and the worker was kind enough to just give me the meal and took what i had.


My mum was clearly fuming cause her plan to humiliate me to get me to apologize to her and beg her to help me did not work.

So she spent the entire ride giving me the stink eye and calling me selfish.

The reason i shared the story wasn't to rant but to give like a smaller example of why parents behave that way. It's just about control. They want you to fail so you can come back groveling.

 

[TheFalseWidow]

Have you considered a vacation or a staycation? If you have enough money for a little house you should have some flexibility. Try going out of town for a week and see how you feel, eat out at night, go to comedy shows, check out some movies.

Just seems like an easy way to test your independence without committing to much.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Controlling parents purposely micromanage every decision and leave you high and dry on big decisions to make you feel helpless.

It starts very young and small so it's hard to notice. First time when i noticed was when i was like 14. I had never even chosen my own meal at a fast food place before. They always picked everything for me.

Then i won a gift card from a class contest. And the amount was barely enough for a single meal. My mother insisted i should get nuggets so everyone can get one each. But i wanted to get a single sandwich for myself. So she got mad at me and refused to follow me to help order. So i went in very nervous. I had no idea what a combo meal or anything was nor did i have any extra money besides the gift card. So i got a combo and it went literally a dollar over. And at the time i didn't know i could just say remove an item. So i got worried and went to my mum for help.

And she yelled at me and said it was good that I was confused and that she refuses to give me any money and i should go back and embarrass myself.

I went back crying and the worker was kind enough to just give me the meal and took what i had.


My mum was clearly fuming cause her plan to humiliate me to get me to apologize to her and beg her to help me did not work.

So she spent the entire ride giving me the stink eye and calling me selfish.

The reason i shared the story wasn't to rant but to give like a smaller example of why parents behave that way. It's just about control. They want you to fail so you can come back groveling.

I relate to this a lot, even down to not being allowed to choose what I wanted at a fast food place. My parents told me that, whenever we went to get fast food, they would only give my two options on the menu to pick from because "it's easier to just give two options", which I guess could help prevent a toddler from being overwhelmed... except they continued to do it well into my teens and they'd guilt trip me for wanting anything else. With me, it's always about guilt-tripping and being passive aggressive until you give in to what they want. I especially hate now that I'm an adult they'll tell me to my face that they won't influence my decisions, but then not be able to withhold their passive-aggressive comments. For example: when I was looking at a condo, my father (who insisted he wanted to 'stay out of it') dropped that he didn't like it because I couldn't raise a kid in one. I've tried to tell them I'm not interested in having kids, but they just won't accept it.
I'm slowly starting to realize that being essentially trained from birth to always find the hidden meaning behind every word or statement fucked up my social development.

Have you considered a vacation or a staycation? If you have enough money for a little house you should have some flexibility. Try going out of town for a week and see how you feel, eat out at night, go to comedy shows, check out some movies.

Just seems like an easy way to test your independence without committing to much.

I went to a con alone for the first time this summer, and I loved it. I think I should take another vacation away from my parents, but as they say... a vacation is an escape and not a solution. Maybe it will help give me a fresh prespective nonetheless.

 

[hoppybunny]

For example: when I was looking at a condo, my father (who insisted he wanted to 'stay out of it') dropped that he didn't like it because I couldn't raise a kid in one. I've tried to tell them I'm not interested in having kids, but they just won't accept it.
I'm slowly starting to realize that being essentially trained from birth to always find the hidden meaning behind every word or statement fucked up my social development.

It's very annoying but you're absolutely right. Kids of controlling parents are conditioned to always seek their approval first. Which is not a trait an independent adult needs to function in society. My parents also pretend they're letting me do things like pick my clothes or what i eat, but then will also be passive aggressive or call my taste trash until i eventually pick what they like.
It's the illusion of freewill. So you can't say they forced you to do anything because you "made the choice yourself"

I really do recommend getting away from them first. And then when ur used to living alone u can try to take on a larger home.

Like if the house is objectively the better option don't feel like you lost to your parents but if the condo is better don't let them influence you to pick the house. Cause if you pick the house and have a single complaint they'll probably say something along the lines of "well you picked the house yourself. Don't act like we forced you."

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

One of my biggest reasons for wanting to CTB was because I was stuck living with my parents. I have almost nothing in common with them, and I felt like I couldn't do anything without them judging me and pushing me down. I wanted to live freely, to pursue my interests and goals and do whatever I wanted without having to hear their opinion on it. It motivated me to work hard so I could move out: I went to school, went to post-secondary, got a full time job, saved as much as possible.

After all that hard work, I finally have the means to move out, only to realize it wasn't worth it. I wanted a spacious house, but I don't want money to be too tight and I don't want to clean it. I passed up on some single family detached homes because they're all fixer-uppers in my price range and I'm too lazy to do any work on them. One of my goals was to have a garden, but now I don't even want a yard because I'll have to mow the lawn every week while still barely being able to afford it. The only thing worth doing, based on work put in vs enjoyment received, is watching youtube videos and doing drugs. Turns out I actually like rotting in my parents basement because it's less work, and all my goals and dreams were too much work for what they're worth anyways.

I'm confident I would have had the drive and motivation to move out when I was younger. I wanted it so badly, I had so many plans and ideas, the only thing I was missing was the money. Now that I've worked my whole life for the money to only get half of what I want, I'm ready to stare at my phone straight to the coffin and never have to work another day of my life. Why even work towards anything when it won't be possible, or won't be satisfying?

An easy form of motivation is to turn your dream into problems. Yes, if you don't mow your lawn, it will look ugly. But of you can mow it then you ALONE will be the only reason that it looks good. If you want a garden then buy a place with a fucking garden. Of course you think it's not worth it rn, you don't have the garden to actually fuck around with.

And shit like gardening and mowing the grass can bring you more peace than you think. There was once a giant pile of unsplit wood next to my house. Not even real firewood, I'm talking birch knotted to hell and back. And I swear for one entire summer I spent 3 hours a day listening to a podcast and splitting wood. The most soothing shit in the world. And then when I was done, I had wood to burn!

Bro get your garden. If you thought you'd like it then it's worth a shot. Put on a podcast while you're out there watering or trimming weeds, and then by the End, if everything goes well, you'll have a stupid amount of vegetables you don't even like to show for it. But you'll also have something to be proud of. (Highly recommend planting peppers. Cause you can make that shit into hot sauce and then give it away).

Idk man. You worked this hard. There's gotta be something good on the other side of all this effort right?