Feelings of hypo/mania (bipolar 1) associated with standing up for myself..

[CravingPeace]

I just made a realization that my bouts of hypo/mania may be correlated to situations where I am trying to stand up for myself, but I end up choosing the most destructive way of doing so while on "autopilot".

First manic episode - moving back "home" with my dysfunctional family and trying to "show them the light" as in, show them life doesn't have to be awful, and being treated as if I was breaking the status quo by doing so. And I stuck with my guns and started getting very erratic, combined with heavy drinking.

That first episode intensified when someone in my graduate cohort started to spread rumors of me sleeping with a preceptor - I lashed out like I was hot shit and everyone was on my side, which definitely wasn't the case.

Then true psychosis began months later when I started attacking and threatening old high school classmates on Facebook over differences in political beliefs. I was "standing up" for "what's right" - a much more vague and fluid case of "standing up for the little guy".

Then came "stability" until there was a school shooting 5 minutes from my office, last year. I had just relapsed and was drinking 6 beers after work a night, and when the shooting happened and my boss wouldn't let my coworkers leave to pick up their children from surrounding schools, I snapped into mania, usurping higher ups' authority and telling people they could leave. And then came threatening district leadership for "staying silent" on the matter by reaching out to "the media".

And then now - maintenance for my apartment told me that the mold in my air vents wasn't actually mold. I bought DIY mold test kits and confirmed that it was indeed mold, sent a strongly worded email to no response, and just now I left the leasing office after showing them pictures of the cultures I've grown in 2 days.

The most recent event went very well - the ladies in the office fully agreed that something should be done to get the mold out. But I could feel my head getting hot and hairs on my neck standing up, with significant tunnel vision and anxiety while "confronting" the issue in the office. Luckily, this is occurring post-diagnosis of BP1 so I am hypervigilant of what I'm feeling and have already taken steps to calm myself down.

The real difference maker here is that this time, I'm completely sober from alcohol and weed.

It really fucking sucks that standing up for myself is a real toss up in terms of becoming manic or not. I'm still learning how to maneuver thru life with this horrible disease. Love yall!

 

[timf]

I don't know if you are on medication or not. As I understand it prescription lithium (lithium carbonate ?) is tricky to get adjusted to the right dosage. I have have heard the lithium orotate (over the counter) is less difficult to manage and may still be somewhat effective.

Sometimes people can get themselves in trouble if they picture themselves in "heroic" terms. This can lead to a reflex that sees conflict as the first response to a situation rather than considering other less confrontational options for achieving an objective.

 

[CravingPeace]

I don't know if you are on medication or not. As I understand it prescription lithium (lithium carbonate ?) is tricky to get adjusted to the right dosage. I have have heard the lithium orotate (over the counter) is less difficult to manage and may still be somewhat effective.

Sometimes people can get themselves in trouble if they picture themselves in "heroic" terms. This can lead to a reflex that sees conflict as the first response to a situation rather than considering other less confrontational options for achieving an objective.

I'm definitely medicated, not lithium however. I do think that being on medication this go-round helped me to identify how I was feeling and take action to prevent it from escalating. Before I'd only take notice after the damage was done.

I appreciate your use of the word "heroic". My history shows that being the "savior" in my eyes gets me in trouble. I guess my real issue now is feeling unsure if "standing up for myself" warrants the action I end up taking, and also the role I'm perceiving myself in in the situation. Like, with the mold, it was definitely something that needed to be addressed and I feel I handled it well - but knowing where I -could- end up taking it was scary in the moment. And I didn't end up perceiving myself as my own hero, at least I don't think. I guess it's walking the line between "assertive" and "confrontational". My history definitely shows that I can lean heavily on the confrontational side.