Venting Feeling lonely.

[zillionzeutron]

First post! This is a vent from today, I have no one to talk about it so I wanted to share this here.

I'm getting so anxious again, and I feel like its worse yet clearer than before. I feel incredibly lonely, I haven't talked to anyone for the entire day after all of my messages were being ignored again. I got no messages all day either. It only made me realize I'm not important to anyone. No one would notice if I'm not there the entire day, despite me usually talking and being online 24/7. No one would miss me, or even ask about me. There's just nothing special, memorable or interesting about me and I don't think this will ever change. I'm no ones first choice, no one's best friend, no ones favourite person and my loneliness grows everytime I see people have fun without me. It feels like people have much more fun without me around and it shows. I'm just always the floater friend.

I feel guilty for feeling so jealous whenever someone mentions a (closer) friend.
I just also want someone I can call my best friend, someone who likes me as much as I like them. Someone who wants to chat with me specifically and daily, in private, and genuinely. Just like everyone else I know has someone. But there will never be someone like this for me.
Someone will always be more important than me.
People can go hours to weeks to eternity without texting me while I spend the entire time waiting for a single message directed towards me. Someone who remembers I exist.
I talk way too much out of fear to miss out, and I know it just annoys most people to a point where I think people are happier when i finally go to sleep and stop talking. I just get too attached too quickly and I hate it.
I barely have anyone and even my last irl friend doesn't want contact with me anymore, yet I keep forgiving her bc she's all I have irl.
I also haven't even had a partner in my life, and I'm 18 now. Everyone around me already had. I can't imagine someone would actually love that way like ever. Even my brother has had someone when he's much younger than me. I feel so hopeless and unlovable.

And to make things worse, my parents keep reminding me how lonely I am. They keep telling my brother "If you continue being in ur room all the time u will end up like ur sister! Lonely with no friends!"
And keep saying that behind my back, directly in front of me and when I try to mention how I feel lonely. They say its all my fault for being so miserable. I know I should "go out more" but what does that bring when I have nothing interesting to say about myself and can barely communicate properly.
My therapist also doesn't seem to be able to help me either, every appointment ends with no achievement. But maybe I'm just being overdramatic and there's nothing she can do or give me to help.

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore and how long I can handle it, I'm so lost.
I've been lonely my entire life, barely having anyone to go out with. I started getting suicidal at 10 after I got buillied until literally no one in my school liked me. I haven't told anyone about these thoughts either, I know my parents will blame everything on me and just take my phone as if that fixes anything. And from the other people I know, oh they'd think I'm pathetic.

And than stronger this feeling gets, than more I think its the only solution for this misery. To just end it.

I'm sorry this is a little messy, I just wanted to get my thoughts out. Thanks for listening I think

 

[Niron1492]

I hope it gets better for you,i also feel similar to you alot,well your writing is leagues better than mine but thank you for sharing since i feel the same with almost everything(probably because we are of same age since i haven't noticed many public 18 year olds though i assume privacy is important to most people which is understandable)
Apologies since i dont really know how to respond to longer text

I'm getting so anxious again, and I feel like its worse yet clearer than before. I feel incredibly lonely, I haven't talked to anyone for the entire day after all of my messages were being ignored again. I got no messages all day either. It only made me realize I'm not important to anyone. No one would notice if I'm not there the entire day, despite me usually talking and being online 24/7. No one would miss me, or even ask about me. There's just nothing special, memorable or interesting about me and I don't think this will ever change. I'm no ones first choice, no one's best friend, no ones favourite person and my loneliness grows everytime I see people have fun without me. It feels like people have much more fun without me around and it shows. I'm just always the floater friend.

Same,i tried talking on discord but everyone seemed to have friends already and i tried to be very active on servers,not doing anything else but staying on my laptop and trying to talk but most always ignored me or responded shortly but didnt want to be friends(i guess i was also shy too ask but i dont think anyone felt any potential friendship with me there,i have mostly been on neurodivergent servers).I have been rotting too for the past 3-4 years and if i exclude some parts where i tried to hang out more,for most years,people find me too weird for being difficult(not like aggressive but i am very anxious and sensitive) but also because i went to a psych ward and suddenly people think im crazy????(i mostly went for trying to CTB through cutting as i didnt know of any available methods).I hate kids passing and screaming through my window when i just wish i could be like them instead of looking at them from the inside,some even looked in my apartment for some reason or knocked on my shutters which obv scared me (they are on the outside for me).

I feel guilty for feeling so jealous whenever someone mentions a (closer) friend.
I just also want someone I can call my best friend, someone who likes me as much as I like them. Someone who wants to chat with me specifically and daily, in private, and genuinely. Just like everyone else I know has someone. But there will never be someone like this for me.
Someone will always be more important than me.
People can go hours to weeks to eternity without texting me while I spend the entire time waiting for a single message directed towards me. Someone who remembers I exist.
I talk way too much out of fear to miss out, and I know it just annoys most people to a point where I think people are happier when i finally go to sleep and stop talking. I just get too attached too quickly and I hate it.
I barely have anyone and even my last irl friend doesn't want contact with me anymore, yet I keep forgiving her bc she's all I have irl.
I also haven't even had a partner in my life, and I'm 18 now. Everyone around me already had. I can't imagine someone would actually love that way like ever. Even my brother has had someone when he's much younger than me. I feel so hopeless and unlovable.

Me too,i haven't talked to anyone in a friendly manner for weeks,most of the summer probably,only 2 people that are my classmates that i sometimes hang out with them after-school to just eat since the supermarket is close though they just ask me if im prepared for exams(im not) and thats the whole conversation ,i dont even think im useful to anyone,like i dont even have a skill or any intelligence to atleast be worth talking to,i dont insult them or anything so i still dont know why they dont want to consider me normal.

People are so confusing that it sucks,i dont even know what to do so i can atleast talk to them,i remember sitting next to someone my age on the bus and seeing how he had like 8+ notifications when he opened his phone and i just sat awkwardly with none.

I think in the beginning of the high school,when everyone was curious of each other and i just set up social media thinking that im gonna have lots of friends,one girl used to talk to me for like 2 weeks after new year,and then she suddenly ghosted me,when i tried to see why,she was challenged by a friend of her's to talk to me?I dont even know how you can do that to someone,it felt bad as she was friends with acquaintances i knew so i obv got laughed at more.

And to make things worse, my parents keep reminding me how lonely I am. They keep telling my brother "If you continue being in ur room all the time u will end up like ur sister! Lonely with no friends!"
And keep saying that behind my back, directly in front of me and when I try to mention how I feel lonely. They say its all my fault for being so miserable. I know I should "go out more" but what does that bring when I have nothing interesting to say about myself and can barely communicate properly.
My therapist also doesn't seem to be able to help me either, every appointment ends with no achievement. But maybe I'm just being overdramatic and there's nothing she can do or give me to help.

I guess in this instance parents are just worried,my sister is 6 years older than me and lives in a rich country with her bf and is studying for master's degrees so she has all it planned out,which obviously would make my parents ask me if im anything like her,if i could have friends like her and join organizations(or voluntary work?I dont know how its called when you join through social media events and stuff?) but my parents kind of gave up anyway since they know im more quiet and also because of meds and psych ward,i stressed them too much that they dont want to bother much anyway.

Only thing that i can say about me to people is that i like fantasy and that's probably all,i heard classmates mocking me for once saying i read the hobbit(i didnt but i know the book,though i was asked by a teacher on some philosophy/social studies/whatever thing and i gave example of tolkien which she said i got it from a wiki?I think it was related to malaptive daydreaming and i said that Tolkien was a malaptive daydreamer bcs of the world he created in a time before fantasy,and she just accused me of stealing it from wiki,so meh) though i dont even know how to move my lips correctly as i have a fixation on how to move my face so maybe its also how i sound forced?

I think medical officials are so overwhelmed that they just give bad advice,most ones i went to through my teens,either gave me shitty meds that made me feel extremely worse and i mostly rotted in bed because i didnt have an urge to move(antipsychotics probably or anxiety pills), or yeah,im going for 2 years to a psychotherapist and she hasnt made any advancement with me at all,she just tells me that she's worried and i shouldn't talk to people anymore(how tf do you give advice like that?I guess bcs 2 "friends" tried to SA'd me on my birthday and i ran away with my stuff luckily but that still feels wrong)

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore and how long I can handle it, I'm so lost.
I've been lonely my entire life, barely having anyone to go out with. I started getting suicidal at 10 after I got buillied until literally no one in my school liked me. I haven't told anyone about these thoughts either, I know my parents will blame everything on me and just take my phone as if that fixes anything. And from the other people I know, oh they'd think I'm pathetic.

And than stronger this feeling gets, than more I think its the only solution for this misery. To just end it.

I'm sorry this is a little messy, I just wanted to get my thoughts out. Thanks for listening I think

Me too,i had suicidal ideation since i was 7,i dont know why but maybe because i grew up alone since sister was busy with her friends and my parents were at work,and they didnt get a nanny or something so i just grew up on roblox and youtube through my childhood.

I was bullied too,even beaten lmao for trying to be friends in middle school(i guess they just thought im autistic and shouldnt be trusted,idk),but yeah my reputation is destroyed and i only got books to rely on for sanity,but even with hobbies,it still feels like you are going insane slowly,i dont know what the purpose is anyway in still living if you keep crying or shivering everyday.

I have tried CTB with drowning in a bathtub(very stupid of me),cutting everywhere(got mocked by an assistant of a psychiatrist that i couldnt find a job with my neck scars,i dont have them anymore but i still got on my arms and thighs partially),i guess SN could be a good option if you can get those stuff from Stan's guide.

Im really sorry that i vented too much,i just found your thoughts and backstory relatable,i hope you can find your peace someday.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Similar situation here. I only get people to talk to me if I message first, otherwise they forget I even exist. It's really fucking sad because at this point the only thing that's enjoyable to me is talking to other people. So if you need someone to talk to then I'm more than glad to. I don't have anything to do so I have all the time in the world.