Venting Feeling like I'm not "enough" to be here

[ilovecats]

I feel like a failure compared to everyone here. I am so embarrassed that I failed and came back here. I am so embarrassed that I kept saying that I will kms, only to turn back on the last moment. I am so embarrassed that I've had sn for over 2 years now, and I'm still here writing this stupid vent, while other would give so much to have sn, or manage to succeed with more difficult, scarier methods. I just wish I succeeded on the first attempt, as it is so much harder to do so since then. I get so upset when I see a goodbye thread. It just makes me ask myself "Why can't I?". I keep hating myself for being such a coward and trapping myself in this awful life. Just writing this makes me feel like scum, but I feel so bad at this moment and I'm so incredibly lonely. Feel free to ignore this.

 

[Forveleth]

Hey man, you have nothing to prove to anyone here. There are no qualifications you have to meet to be here. People leave, people come back. There are tons of threads of people not able to complete their attempt so you are in good company. Killing yourself is hard, really hard. There is no shame in not going through with it, no matter the reason. The important thing is that you are here now.

 

[Lyn]

I feel like a failure compared to everyone here. I am so embarrassed that I failed and came back here. I am so embarrassed that I kept saying that I will kms, only to turn back on the last moment. I am so embarrassed that I've had sn for over 2 years now, and I'm still here writing this stupid vent, while other would give so much to have sn, or manage to succeed with more difficult, scarier methods. I just wish I succeeded on the first attempt, as it is so much harder to do so since then. I get so upset when I see a goodbye thread. It just makes me ask myself "Why can't I?". I keep hating myself for being such a coward and trapping myself in this awful life. Just writing this makes me feel like scum, but I feel so bad at this moment and I'm so incredibly lonely. Feel free to ignore this.

No need to be embarrassed for feeling how you feel or for struggling. A lot of people are walking around with pain they don't talk about.
I'm not here to tell you how to feel, but I don't think you're scum for writing this. Just sounds like someone who's tired.
After all, it's definitely not easy making decisions like this. And I guess a lot of folks from here could totally relate. Heck, even I do relate. Especially to that part about things being easier back then.

No judgment from me. Just wanted to say that. Sending hugs

 

[Pale_Rider]

Yeah that's the hard part of being suicidal, and on radar. They start looking at you like you're wasting their time if you aren't a body in front of them pretty quickly.

 

[NoHorizon]

I can relate to this. I've been on here for ages and my SN will "expire" (I know it doesn't but there's a date on the packet) soon, meaning I'll have had it for 3 years. I'm convinced the local MH team look at me like a complete faker now because I should have done it already.

The great thing about this site is nobody is going to judge you for how long you've been around or how many times you've backed out of attempts. Everyone gets it. Suicide is HARD. You'll be welcome here as long as you want. I know it's easy to say than to do but try not to beat yourself up, it sounds like you're already suffering enough without adding more to yourself.

 

[TooManyChances]

You are not a fraud because of this. It's easy to say "I'm going to ctb" but the SI takes over. This happens to most people by the way. I've had like 5 or so "attempts" and here I am, cause I couldn't quite pull the trigger, kick the chair, etc. You feel me.

My next method is not recommended, in fact it's adviced against. I will try to starve myself but I'll drink water and a bit of table salt every day. This is kind of my last attempt (a bad one). And you know what's funny? I've been trying to do it for one month, and I always give up lol, so you are not a fraud for this. Even if I had SN I know my anxiety would be high.

Just don't feel mediocre about all this. Take care.

 

[monetpompo]

this thread makes me feel a little less alone. earlier today i made a post about how i felt like a coward for not going through with any of my attempts since i keep backing down from them, but then i deleted it because i thought it sounded too self-loathing. sometimes i read goodbye threads and try to think about what's going through the user's head. if they're scared, happy, or determined about going through with their attempt.

i don't believe in comments that say "when you're ready, you'll know when to do it", since it kind of sounds like hoohah to me. i think that people ctb even though they're scared, since it's hard to be 100% committed to killing yourself. i mean, when you do it you die. the thing with ctb is that it's never going to be immediate. there's always going to be steps leading up to it, and at any of those steps, you can back out and stop right there. the most immediate way of ctbing is with a gun, but there's so many stories of someone holding a gun to their head without pulling the trigger. they just hold it there because there's only 1 step and people still find a way to hesitate.

you're not a fraud or a coward for not dying yet, even though i also feel like a fraud because i keep telling myself i'm going to do it. i think that it's such an isolating experience to want to die but feel like you're not enough because you haven't done it yet. luckily, you can still die at any time, even if you have attempts that didn't succeed at first. it's still depressing that you have to kill yourself and can't just pray that you'll die.

 

[EternalShore]

Don't worry~ :) Not everyone here commits sewer slide~ :) Some people recover, and SS helps those who are still here with warmth and support~ :) many people here feel the same as you, wishing they could be gone or feeling like they don't belong here, but they haven't committed sewer slide yet either, so you aren't alone either~ :) Regardless, I wish you the best through those thoughts~ :)

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

this thread makes me feel a little less alone. earlier today i made a post about how i felt like a coward for not going through with any of my attempts since i keep backing down from them, but then i deleted it because i thought it sounded too self-loathing. sometimes i read goodbye threads and try to think about what's going through the user's head. if they're scared, happy, or determined about going through with their attempt.

i don't believe in comments that say "when you're ready, you'll know when to do it", since it kind of sounds like hoohah to me. i think that people ctb even though they're scared, since it's hard to be 100% committed to killing yourself. i mean, when you do it you die. the thing with ctb is that it's never going to be immediate. there's always going to be steps leading up to it, and at any of those steps, you can back out and stop right there. the most immediate way of ctbing is with a gun, but there's so many stories of someone holding a gun to their head without pulling the trigger. they just hold it there because there's only 1 step and people still find a way to hesitate.

you're not a fraud or a coward for not dying yet, even though i also feel like a fraud because i keep telling myself i'm going to do it. i think that it's such an isolating experience to want to die but feel like you're not enough because you haven't done it yet. luckily, you can still die at any time, even if you have attempts that didn't succeed at first. it's still depressing that you have to kill yourself and can't just pray that you'll die.

You're not a coward, it's literally just our biology and so so difficult to overcome SI. So don't beat yourself up over it, I'm still alive too and so are many many people on the site, not necessarily because we enjoy being alive but because we feel how you do.

 

[kopebaldy]

I feel like a failure compared to everyone here. I am so embarrassed that I failed and came back here. I am so embarrassed that I kept saying that I will kms, only to turn back on the last moment. I am so embarrassed that I've had sn for over 2 years now, and I'm still here writing this stupid vent, while other would give so much to have sn, or manage to succeed with more difficult, scarier methods. I just wish I succeeded on the first attempt, as it is so much harder to do so since then. I get so upset when I see a goodbye thread. It just makes me ask myself "Why can't I?". I keep hating myself for being such a coward and trapping myself in this awful life. Just writing this makes me feel like scum, but I feel so bad at this moment and I'm so incredibly lonely. Feel free to ignore this.

Mate, many people here are going through exactly what you're going through atm.

CTB isn't easy, SI is a bitch.

You're good, you just aren't ready.