I actually grew up with my basic needs well met, and I had privileged opportunities in life.
But I grew up in a really emotionally abusive family. In adulthood (i.e. for the last 14 years) I struggled through college and got a degree, but I never really applied myself. All I want to do is escape through entertainment, drugs, avoidance... anything really. After college, I stockholm'd myself by living at home because it was easier than struggling on my own, but that also meant I was just getting a hefty dose of the trauma that I think led me to be this dysfunctional in the first place. And I dished out verbal abuse to them as well; I'm not proud of any of my inability to grow, move on and be a better person than my mom. But what I really think now is that I don't have to be this useless, scared, disorganized, dependent, pathetic, hopeless man anymore. I've realized that I am a total borderline wreck. I can't get better. This cycle of destruction, false hope and descent back into destruction again will continue until I finally die. So I'm going to do it. As for the option of rising above it, I have looked in my heart and I see that I don't have the internal resources to apply any of the coping skills. I have never gotten off the ground with coping, and I've tried so many interventions. The problem is me.
I tried recovery. I've been in every level of care that's available to me. I am just beyond help. Since realizing that something was wrong around college age, I've been in intensive programs, partial hospitalization programs, residential programs... In the end, the whole experience has me feeling like the problem is me. Or, if the problem is my brain, then there are too many things wrong with it for anybody to help with. I feel like the world has told me the truth that you either stand for yourself or fall. I can't stay here anymore. I call 988, and it just leads to the same hospitalizations trying to prescribe the same drugs and the same coping skills.
A few months ago, after an episode where I fled work with the silly idea of driving to the wilderness and just getting lost, they sent me to this crisis stabilization house. I would've like to have stayed there and see if more structured relief where I could still be in the community would've helped me. However, they decided that my income, housing, etc etc meant that I had to triage out within a few days. So there I was back to my apartment where everything is a trash strewn mess with a mattress on the floor where I endlessly watch TV.
About a month ago and a few weeks after leaving that place, I quit my job impulsively after thinking about it everyday. I've been managing to hold down work in a social services role for two years. The job was very lonely, but the people I worked with were decent enough; the workplace was supportive of my frequent issues and a number of hospitalizations. The volume of work was low (but emotionally taxing). The benefits were very good by US standards. I got to work from home sometimes and otherwise it was a five minute drive to work. But I still stress out about everything. I still can't take care of myself due to the avoidance. Going to work did force me to appear functional (getting dressed, brushing my teeth, etc etc), but it was all just based on me performing for other people. The truth is that there's no part of me that actually wants to do anything productive, functional or life-building for my own sake. I am just fundamentally broken by self-loathing and other aspects of myself which don't lead to any sort of a sustainable, fulfilling life.
Anyway, I think I quit my job partially to make this choce to ctb a done deal. Now I have no insurance. I am running out of money. I have completely let myself go. I am sending out hints. Texting my mom all my grievances. She can't deal with me. I told her recently basically that I think there's two outcomes: I die and I get my relief while it pains her OR I die and she doesn't care at all. I think she's just going to feel bad for herself; she is going to secretly be fine in her heart that I'm gone but pissed she has to take care of my affairs. In many years of thinking about doing it, I thought I would make things easy for people. Clean the apartment, make sure all the passwords are there for people. Make sure my documents are marked. ETC ETC. I even thought I would ctb right outside the local medical examiners office; that was my plan for a long time so as to make it so no one needs to haul me around or discover me after too long. At this point? I've just going to do it in my car and send a scheduled message to the local authorities. I am so alone that I am worried I would start rotting and leave my landlord or someone else a nasty surprise.
In the last month, I've just thought "fuck it." Let this place show the truth of where I really was at the end of my life: disorganized, sad, small and filthy.
I think so many of my attempts were aborted because I really did want help. Actually, I would like to live. But I can't. Every time I try to start forming better habits, I give up. I just can't be consistent about anything without simply getting bored, stressed, self-loathing, etc, and then eventually quitting. Even a lot of the way I'm describing myself and my thoughts about this are a reflection of thoughts and attitudes that were repeated over and over to me living at home after college. It was like finishing school for self-hatred, but I digress.
Anyway, I have visualized this act in so many different ways and so intensely since twelve years old, and I'm going to go soon. Hoping my SN from SD comes soon and that I can figure out a way to obtain anti-nausea medication somehow.
I have a good heart, but I just don't have enough of so much else to continue. I feel bad for people having to pick up the pieces, but feeling guilty about the potential ripple effects as one of my only reasons for living lasted for probably the last decade or so. That's not a reason for living that can keep you going forever on its own.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you do. There's so much to say about why I'm doing this. I can't possibly make it cogent because there's been so many aspects and experiences of suffering. So many thoughts that have tortured me. So many missed opportunities and years of declining physical health as well. You can't ever really communicate the "why" fully. For myself, I think that's just proof of how overwhelming it has been. The things pushing me to ctb seem like a whole lonely private hell which no one can ever truly understand.
I will update when I get closer. I have no idea how long the shipping will take. I have considered this choice carefully for enough time. I've exhausted myself trying not to do this, but it will shortly be time for me to take this shitty suffering down with me.
As a final note, I would like to say also that seeing such an obviously immoral, disgusting, unjust, and deceitful regime entrench itself in my country has been just further evidence that this world is not a place I want to breath in anymore. "Dictators die... and the power they take to the people will return to the people." That will happen, but I don't care to wait and watch this sick drama of humanity anymore no matter how it plays out.
But I grew up in a really emotionally abusive family. In adulthood (i.e. for the last 14 years) I struggled through college and got a degree, but I never really applied myself. All I want to do is escape through entertainment, drugs, avoidance... anything really. After college, I stockholm'd myself by living at home because it was easier than struggling on my own, but that also meant I was just getting a hefty dose of the trauma that I think led me to be this dysfunctional in the first place. And I dished out verbal abuse to them as well; I'm not proud of any of my inability to grow, move on and be a better person than my mom. But what I really think now is that I don't have to be this useless, scared, disorganized, dependent, pathetic, hopeless man anymore. I've realized that I am a total borderline wreck. I can't get better. This cycle of destruction, false hope and descent back into destruction again will continue until I finally die. So I'm going to do it. As for the option of rising above it, I have looked in my heart and I see that I don't have the internal resources to apply any of the coping skills. I have never gotten off the ground with coping, and I've tried so many interventions. The problem is me.
I tried recovery. I've been in every level of care that's available to me. I am just beyond help. Since realizing that something was wrong around college age, I've been in intensive programs, partial hospitalization programs, residential programs... In the end, the whole experience has me feeling like the problem is me. Or, if the problem is my brain, then there are too many things wrong with it for anybody to help with. I feel like the world has told me the truth that you either stand for yourself or fall. I can't stay here anymore. I call 988, and it just leads to the same hospitalizations trying to prescribe the same drugs and the same coping skills.
A few months ago, after an episode where I fled work with the silly idea of driving to the wilderness and just getting lost, they sent me to this crisis stabilization house. I would've like to have stayed there and see if more structured relief where I could still be in the community would've helped me. However, they decided that my income, housing, etc etc meant that I had to triage out within a few days. So there I was back to my apartment where everything is a trash strewn mess with a mattress on the floor where I endlessly watch TV.
About a month ago and a few weeks after leaving that place, I quit my job impulsively after thinking about it everyday. I've been managing to hold down work in a social services role for two years. The job was very lonely, but the people I worked with were decent enough; the workplace was supportive of my frequent issues and a number of hospitalizations. The volume of work was low (but emotionally taxing). The benefits were very good by US standards. I got to work from home sometimes and otherwise it was a five minute drive to work. But I still stress out about everything. I still can't take care of myself due to the avoidance. Going to work did force me to appear functional (getting dressed, brushing my teeth, etc etc), but it was all just based on me performing for other people. The truth is that there's no part of me that actually wants to do anything productive, functional or life-building for my own sake. I am just fundamentally broken by self-loathing and other aspects of myself which don't lead to any sort of a sustainable, fulfilling life.
Anyway, I think I quit my job partially to make this choce to ctb a done deal. Now I have no insurance. I am running out of money. I have completely let myself go. I am sending out hints. Texting my mom all my grievances. She can't deal with me. I told her recently basically that I think there's two outcomes: I die and I get my relief while it pains her OR I die and she doesn't care at all. I think she's just going to feel bad for herself; she is going to secretly be fine in her heart that I'm gone but pissed she has to take care of my affairs. In many years of thinking about doing it, I thought I would make things easy for people. Clean the apartment, make sure all the passwords are there for people. Make sure my documents are marked. ETC ETC. I even thought I would ctb right outside the local medical examiners office; that was my plan for a long time so as to make it so no one needs to haul me around or discover me after too long. At this point? I've just going to do it in my car and send a scheduled message to the local authorities. I am so alone that I am worried I would start rotting and leave my landlord or someone else a nasty surprise.
In the last month, I've just thought "fuck it." Let this place show the truth of where I really was at the end of my life: disorganized, sad, small and filthy.
I think so many of my attempts were aborted because I really did want help. Actually, I would like to live. But I can't. Every time I try to start forming better habits, I give up. I just can't be consistent about anything without simply getting bored, stressed, self-loathing, etc, and then eventually quitting. Even a lot of the way I'm describing myself and my thoughts about this are a reflection of thoughts and attitudes that were repeated over and over to me living at home after college. It was like finishing school for self-hatred, but I digress.
Anyway, I have visualized this act in so many different ways and so intensely since twelve years old, and I'm going to go soon. Hoping my SN from SD comes soon and that I can figure out a way to obtain anti-nausea medication somehow.
I have a good heart, but I just don't have enough of so much else to continue. I feel bad for people having to pick up the pieces, but feeling guilty about the potential ripple effects as one of my only reasons for living lasted for probably the last decade or so. That's not a reason for living that can keep you going forever on its own.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you do. There's so much to say about why I'm doing this. I can't possibly make it cogent because there's been so many aspects and experiences of suffering. So many thoughts that have tortured me. So many missed opportunities and years of declining physical health as well. You can't ever really communicate the "why" fully. For myself, I think that's just proof of how overwhelming it has been. The things pushing me to ctb seem like a whole lonely private hell which no one can ever truly understand.
I will update when I get closer. I have no idea how long the shipping will take. I have considered this choice carefully for enough time. I've exhausted myself trying not to do this, but it will shortly be time for me to take this shitty suffering down with me.
As a final note, I would like to say also that seeing such an obviously immoral, disgusting, unjust, and deceitful regime entrench itself in my country has been just further evidence that this world is not a place I want to breath in anymore. "Dictators die... and the power they take to the people will return to the people." That will happen, but I don't care to wait and watch this sick drama of humanity anymore no matter how it plays out.
