dollofyarn
Member
- Dec 15, 2025
- 19
Hello people.
I've been spiraling and dissociating a lot lately. Especially when I'm around my partner and it happens I feel extra embarrassed of it. He's a very good and sweet guy who genuinely tries to always understand me and the things that I deal with and I'm really so grateful. Even with everything I struggle with, he still wants and sees a future with me. This does sometimes confuse me, because I feel like my issues are a never ending spiral. That's why I feel so incredibly guilty towards him. I feel like I cannot give him the love and happiness and life that he's striving for. He is an expat from another country, finished university with high honors, works a lot, has great friends, is gonna do his masters and knows for sure that he wants a family and a good paying job later. Of course I love that for him and I really hope he achieves all of those things. I just don't know if I'll be able to be a part of that future. I haven't done a study, I have nearly zero working experience, I have no income, an unhealthy home situation, barely any friends, and I am diagnosed with bpd and autism while I also struggle with eating issues and depression. I know that it hurts him when I'm not doing well at all, but the truth is that I'm feeling bad more often than I'm feeling "somewhat alright". (I haven't felt genuinely content for a long while now) I don't want to keep him from achieving his goals and dreams. I have told him about these thoughts before and I see he struggles with it a lot as well. He hates it when I'm pessimistic. I just don't know what to do. I never even wanted to live until 20 anyways and now I'm stuck in a world that I can't seem to become a part of with someone who does fit well into that world. I feel like a shell of a human being everyday and while he's already planning his future the only things on my mind are how much I don't like living in this world and that I just cannot make it seem to work.
I just feel like I should let him go so he can flourish and I don't have to deal with that guilt anymore. Especially because he tries to help me with so many things, but it just makes me feel more guilty. I'm constantly tense about it. I love him a lot and I don't think there will ever be someone like him again in my future but the feeling of guilt is choking me.
Does anyone here that even reads this have some words of advice for me? I don't think I can figure this out on my own.
I've been spiraling and dissociating a lot lately. Especially when I'm around my partner and it happens I feel extra embarrassed of it. He's a very good and sweet guy who genuinely tries to always understand me and the things that I deal with and I'm really so grateful. Even with everything I struggle with, he still wants and sees a future with me. This does sometimes confuse me, because I feel like my issues are a never ending spiral. That's why I feel so incredibly guilty towards him. I feel like I cannot give him the love and happiness and life that he's striving for. He is an expat from another country, finished university with high honors, works a lot, has great friends, is gonna do his masters and knows for sure that he wants a family and a good paying job later. Of course I love that for him and I really hope he achieves all of those things. I just don't know if I'll be able to be a part of that future. I haven't done a study, I have nearly zero working experience, I have no income, an unhealthy home situation, barely any friends, and I am diagnosed with bpd and autism while I also struggle with eating issues and depression. I know that it hurts him when I'm not doing well at all, but the truth is that I'm feeling bad more often than I'm feeling "somewhat alright". (I haven't felt genuinely content for a long while now) I don't want to keep him from achieving his goals and dreams. I have told him about these thoughts before and I see he struggles with it a lot as well. He hates it when I'm pessimistic. I just don't know what to do. I never even wanted to live until 20 anyways and now I'm stuck in a world that I can't seem to become a part of with someone who does fit well into that world. I feel like a shell of a human being everyday and while he's already planning his future the only things on my mind are how much I don't like living in this world and that I just cannot make it seem to work.
I just feel like I should let him go so he can flourish and I don't have to deal with that guilt anymore. Especially because he tries to help me with so many things, but it just makes me feel more guilty. I'm constantly tense about it. I love him a lot and I don't think there will ever be someone like him again in my future but the feeling of guilt is choking me.
Does anyone here that even reads this have some words of advice for me? I don't think I can figure this out on my own.
