Feeling defeated

[OnMyLast Legs]

I was standing on the chair yesterday, noose tight, and I couldn't step off. I swung a little holding the rope and have the rope burns on my thumbs to show for it.

I don't even think I was that close. I didn't make the decision to step off and hang. I hoped I would make the decision once I put myself in the situation.

I really do not think I can commit to FSH. It's too painful and scary. My "escape" is gone. I can't think, "I just need to stick this out until I hang myself tonight."

Suicide takes courage and initiative, exactly what I lack! I'm sure I want permanent unconsciousess. Very few countries have euthanasia for mental illness, and mine is not one of them. It's gonna take a gun.

 

[hurb]

I have always been curious bout this , what if the reason we cant do the last step simply because we r too sober. would being drunk help

 

[A_Breath_Away]

My death's probably going to be more painful as a result of my inability to hang and that's what scares me.

I've managed to come close to whole blackout thing but the pain keeps pulling me out of it.
That and threat of hospitalization. There just isn't a good opportunity and my family knows I'm suicidal.

At this point I'm willing to endure some pain. I just need it to end.

 

[kufajoy]

I feel you ;)

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

At this point I'm willing to endure some pain.

I'm admitting to myself that I don't have the strength of will to subject myself to fatal strangling. I would drink a poison (SN got intercepted) or push a button. A shotgun trigger is that button.

I've become extremely cowardly and irrational in my behavior patterns. I procrastinate my days away on my phone. I worry about being sniffed out if I go buy a gun. But it's the only way. My state has gun Craigslist, basically. I don't even need a background check, you just fill out a bill of sale. Some random guy isn't gonna worry about suicide unless I display real red flags.

No one can procure N. It's very hard to even get SN now. There's no legal euthanasia. Part of me just wants to whine about it to parents and mental health professionals but I know there is no avenue to being put down. More irrationality. I want to lie in bed and tell anyone who asks that I want unconsciousness. But no one will give it to me.

It has to be a gun.