naicooro
New Member
- Aug 9, 2025
- 2
To preface: most of this post is a story/venting, but also asking for advice on getting over this habit of thinking about/craving suicide.
I just got back from inpatient after a suicide attempt, I feel like I'm just now starting to realize it was real. I knew I'd probably live but a very small and loud part of me made overdosing feel so final. And it wasn't. I wouldn't be able to die and survive at the same time, and I'm a little upset that can't be the case cuz I'm still here, with all that overthinking in me still standing. I relied on the thinking "don't worry you can just kys" or "don't worry it'll be over by xyz date" for so long, but now that I kind of tried, and I don't want to rely on that thinking, I'm feeling a little lost. I'm past that "last" day.
The initial trigger for my attempt got resolved, but the root cause of feeling like there is something about me that's damaged and there is no fixing it is still there in the back of my mind.
I've spent a week away from that part of me, focusing on everything in front of me that was happening inside the hospital. But now that I'm no longer there im realizing that part of me is a lot bigger than I thought. it drowned me out so much that I couldn't remember the last time I felt I could feel, love and recieve love without asking myself or others for permission. I unexpectedly had the chance to do all of those things in the hospital, I made friends.
But now back home I find myself kinda in the same position, getting back into that sickeningly addicting cycle.
I feel so conflicted. On one hand that feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me, it feels logical. And death as a logical conclusion. But when I think about dying, I get nauseous and sick and I panic. I try to come up with reasons to live in panic, but I can only seem to cling onto those same negative thoughts, that there's something wrong with me.
I just want this loop of the same cycle to end, of stress, distraction, a breakdown, a terrible justification that I should have to die, and sleep. My Life ending up unchanged, and controlled by fear. It's all disgustingly comforting, It's felt normal. But now I just want it to stop, I want these "realizations" to end. I used to find them comforting but now I'm sick of them, I spent a week away from them and I don't want them to come back. I honestly wish this loop were a hallucation or something, that way medication could stop it and make it go away. But it isn't, it's all me. Now with a diagnosis to prove it. A life long condition, major depressive disorder. I used to wish for a diagnosis, but now all I'm wishing for is that this were all in my head. I'm only 19 and the prognosis is scary.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this, if you have any advice or comments I would really appreciate them.
+ Holy cow I wrote so much more than I thought, sorry if this went on too long/ got rambly.
I just got back from inpatient after a suicide attempt, I feel like I'm just now starting to realize it was real. I knew I'd probably live but a very small and loud part of me made overdosing feel so final. And it wasn't. I wouldn't be able to die and survive at the same time, and I'm a little upset that can't be the case cuz I'm still here, with all that overthinking in me still standing. I relied on the thinking "don't worry you can just kys" or "don't worry it'll be over by xyz date" for so long, but now that I kind of tried, and I don't want to rely on that thinking, I'm feeling a little lost. I'm past that "last" day.
The initial trigger for my attempt got resolved, but the root cause of feeling like there is something about me that's damaged and there is no fixing it is still there in the back of my mind.
I've spent a week away from that part of me, focusing on everything in front of me that was happening inside the hospital. But now that I'm no longer there im realizing that part of me is a lot bigger than I thought. it drowned me out so much that I couldn't remember the last time I felt I could feel, love and recieve love without asking myself or others for permission. I unexpectedly had the chance to do all of those things in the hospital, I made friends.
But now back home I find myself kinda in the same position, getting back into that sickeningly addicting cycle.
I feel so conflicted. On one hand that feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me, it feels logical. And death as a logical conclusion. But when I think about dying, I get nauseous and sick and I panic. I try to come up with reasons to live in panic, but I can only seem to cling onto those same negative thoughts, that there's something wrong with me.
I just want this loop of the same cycle to end, of stress, distraction, a breakdown, a terrible justification that I should have to die, and sleep. My Life ending up unchanged, and controlled by fear. It's all disgustingly comforting, It's felt normal. But now I just want it to stop, I want these "realizations" to end. I used to find them comforting but now I'm sick of them, I spent a week away from them and I don't want them to come back. I honestly wish this loop were a hallucation or something, that way medication could stop it and make it go away. But it isn't, it's all me. Now with a diagnosis to prove it. A life long condition, major depressive disorder. I used to wish for a diagnosis, but now all I'm wishing for is that this were all in my head. I'm only 19 and the prognosis is scary.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this, if you have any advice or comments I would really appreciate them.
+ Holy cow I wrote so much more than I thought, sorry if this went on too long/ got rambly.
