It's like I can't decide if I want to keep trying or just end it. I've tried so hard already. But it feels like nothing's changing. My partner says I can't make any progress if I keep considering suicide as an option. I feel like I keep getting closer to giving up every day.
Wolf Girl
"This place made me feel worthless"
- Jun 12, 2024
- 467
I think your partner is onto something. The most helpful thing for me was spending hours practicing thinking of all the worst things I could and NOT considering suicide as an option. It was hard. I did a lot of that work during a 3 week psych inpatient stay and it stuck with me. Even now, months later I still have that ability to block the suicidal thoughts.
Amidst all the darkness, it is great that you have your partner who seems to genuinely care.
If I am interpreting your message correctly, you seem to be feeling as if in a limbo. This is how I have been feeling lately - a toxic mixture of fatalism and optimism. Not enough strength to face life head on (too many disappointments in a short period of time) but at the same time a refusal to believe that there's only bad stuff coming my way... It's as if the universe, for some reason, wants me to understand that I can't die, but I can't live either... As if I've reached maximum entropy and don't know how to reset. I don't know...
It seems that the wisest strategy is to hold on and hope that things will get better eventually. This has happened in the past. This time I am so conscious about my suffering and not so naïve about people anymore, and this makes it uniquely unbearable. But still, if I can't CTB (too hesitant and unmotivated, perhaps afraid), I guess I will try to wait it out, the same way you do with some illnesses.
I hope that sharing these feelings of mine helps you in some way.
If I am interpreting your message correctly, you seem to be feeling as if in a limbo. This is how I have been feeling lately - a toxic mixture of fatalism and optimism. Not enough strength to face life head on (too many disappointments in a short period of time) but at the same time a refusal to believe that there's only bad stuff coming my way... It's as if the universe, for some reason, wants me to understand that I can't die, but I can't live either... As if I've reached maximum entropy and don't know how to reset. I don't know...
It seems that the wisest strategy is to hold on and hope that things will get better eventually. This has happened in the past. This time I am so conscious about my suffering and not so naïve about people anymore, and this makes it uniquely unbearable. But still, if I can't CTB (too hesitant and unmotivated, perhaps afraid), I guess I will try to wait it out, the same way you do with some illnesses.
I hope that sharing these feelings of mine helps you in some way.
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