Venting Fantasising about fatal illness

[Ezrazzle]

I've recently went to doctor regarding some reproductive health issues.

I haven't been to the doctor in years aside for mental health stuff (I think it's just a passive side effect of wanting to ctb, like I don't care for any physical health issues bc the worst case scenario for everyone else is best case scenario for me). But because I hadn't been to one in so long, we're talking about issues being left untreated for probably 7 years at this point. So when I described my symptoms to the doctor and how long they've been going on she was shocked and very concerned.

Long story short, I had to have a biopsy to check for disease especially cancer.

I'm like 99.9% sure I don't have cancer. But as I'm waiting for the results...I kinda am fantasising about it.

I feel really shitty for feeling like this when I know this is a cause of major heartbreak and pain worldwide. I've lost family to cancer and I wouldn't wish it on anyone or anyone's loved ones. I know it's painful, I know it's exhausting. It would be a HORRIBLE way to go, I know that. But if I'm entirely honest, I wouldn't mind it.

Rejecting treatment, just having strong pain killers until I go. Having a literal deadline or close to it. Having a justifiable reason to quit work and live an enjoyable life in the time I have left. Having a long time to be able to say goodbye to my loved ones in a way that I wouldn't regret anything. Having the time to be able to sort out all my belongings. Travelling while I still can and leaving on a good note. I know it would progress enough that I would get horribly sick getting closer to the end but despite that, I can't say I'm against the idea.

I think ultimately, it's just another one of my "I want to ctb but don't want to be responsible for making that decision" fantasies but with the bonus of time that simple sudden death fantasies don't have.

Has anyone else here fantasised about this sort of thing? Do you also feel guilty for doing so?

 

[madeincruddy]

Yes, I've definitely fantasized about it. For me, I think it's about making my death 'easier' to accept. Like, having some kind of terminal illness where everyone around me knows I'll die, and instead of trying to prevent my death, they'd just surround me with love and I could (hopefully) go peacefully. I guess it's similar to euthanasia. That's at least how I think of it. And yes, not being responsible is an upside. With suicide, I think people tend to wonder what they could've done, but I don't want that. If my death were something that seemed inevitable to not only me, but everyone else, I'd hope my loved ones wouldn't blame themselves that much.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes and I really envy those who will die soon and will be spared from all future suffering and torture in this dreadful, futile existence, to be tortured in this existence just to die in agony from old age is such a horrific punishment to me.

It's unbearable how the torture can continue for so long just for one to face way worse agony all for the sake of it, the fact that humans actually choose to force this abomination onto others really is horrifying, to exist means to suffer and to me the only fortunate ones are those who get to never suffer again, I just always suffer so unbearably from existing in this evil, horrific world where humans make it into a crime to die peacefully on our own terms which is why I especially envy those who die from fatal illness, every second of existing is torture.

 

[Unlucky777]

Absolutely. I used to smoke cigarettes for about 20 years. Now I'm like "hey wait how come this person gets cancer and I don't?"

Yeah I'm guilty for having this fantasy on many occasions

 

[Ezrazzle]

Yes, I've definitely fantasized about it. For me, I think it's about making my death 'easier' to accept. Like, having some kind of terminal illness where everyone around me knows I'll die, and instead of trying to prevent my death, they'd just surround me with love and I could (hopefully) go peacefully. I guess it's similar to euthanasia. That's at least how I think of it. And yes, not being responsible is an upside. With suicide, I think people tend to wonder what they could've done, but I don't want that. If my death were something that seemed inevitable to not only me, but everyone else, I'd hope my loved ones wouldn't blame themselves that much.

That's such a good point about it being "easier to accept".

My loved ones wouldn't blame themselves and wouldn't push the "selfish" argument.

 

[SleeplessAndSad]

That's such a good point about it being "easier to accept".

My loved ones wouldn't blame themselves and wouldn't push the "selfish" argument.

Yes, they wouldn't feel guilty. And you would have time to say your goodbyes. Should make it easier for them.

Though i don't think anyone in my family would understand if i refused treatment.

 

[TheUncommon]

I definitely fantasise about finally confidently telling ny nurse that I'll opt to decline treatment by merely saying "I'd rather just die now".

I had a few cancer scares recently and was so hopeful.

 

[heatnormal]

Has anyone else here fantasised about this sort of thing?

no; i had to become a 24/7 caretaker for terminally ill family members. my body is trying its best to keep me alive, so I would feel guilty punishing it any further.

 

[Deepdense]

Yeah. I like the idea of having no reason to not do the things I've wanted to do.

 

[Concorde]

My loved ones wouldn't blame themselves and wouldn't push the "selfish" argument.

Ugh. I can see a couple of family members considering it selfish to quit chemotherapy at the end. Disgusting.

I almost wish everyone who will care knew JUST HOW MUCH time I have spent since 11 years old taking their feelings into account when I consider dying.

no; i had to become a 24/7 caretaker for terminally ill family members. my body is trying its best to keep me alive, so I would feel guilty punishing it any further.

I've had the opposite experience: death by cancer is something I have heard about, something many family members have died from, but something I haven't seen firsthand. So while it's a part of my family, and while I saw grandma hospitalized and thin when I was a kid, that was it. So cancer especially seems as painful as animals becoming lunch meat at my local deli: with forced naïveté, it looks like no pain at all.

I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that it's almost entirely non-physical suffering that is bringing me closer to death.