Failed, again

[1993]

I failed again and I just needed to tell someone (the Internet apparently). I tried to ctb again just now (Please don't ask about the method) and it didn't work. I felt I could detach myself from my body, but I couldn't cut the last thread that connected me to this place (can't describe it any other way). I hate that I'm still here, but for some reason I can't bring myself to leave. I hate it. I just want to stop existing and still being here feels so lonely. Everyone around me wants to keep me alive and I really appreciate that and I love them all, but I just don't want to stay here any longer.

I know I could call the crisis department for support, but I just don't want to. I don't want to get another lecture when I have my next scheduled appointment.

I don't even hate the world, I think it is beautiful. It's just not for me. I understand I shouldn't beat myself up about having SI, but I just hate the fact it exists

 

[TitianCashew26]

Yeah, SI is rough.

While it's not my intention to dismantle your view of the world as beautiful, maybe if you got to a point where you viewed it as bleak/threatening, then it'd be easier for you to CTB.

 

[used_and_abused]

Maybe this is a sign from the world that you have a place in this world.

I'm so sorry you felt this level of pain to do this, but you deserve to live a fruitful life brother.

What have you done to distract the pain? For me it's usually drugs but i'm broke right now so i just write in my diary

 

[1993]

Yeah, SI is rough.

While it's not my intention to dismantle your view of the world as beautiful, maybe if you got to a point where you viewed it as bleak/threatening, then it'd be easier for you to CTB.

Thank you. I understand what you mean, but I'm already at that point. What I meat by "beautiful" is that from a distance the world/nature/universe is beautiful. I just don't want to live in it.

 

[TitianCashew26]

Yeah, I get what you mean

 

[1993]

Maybe this is a sign from the world that you have a place in this world.

I'm so sorry you felt this level of pain to do this, but you deserve to live a fruitful life brother.

What have you done to distract the pain? For me it's usually drugs but i'm broke right now so i just write in my diary

Thank you for your kind words. I tried years of mental help (my country has quite good social security options), drugs, alcohol, just running away from the pain until I couldn't run anymore, being creative helps too. But the depression is always there and I don't have energy to fight it anymore. I don't know how I could survive for 50 more years (assuming I would naturally die at just over 80). That would mean I'm not even halfway yet

 

[TitianCashew26]

What country are you from?

 

[used_and_abused]

I can relate brother, sorry the distractions aren't helping. In an ideal world where life is worth living, what conditions do you need brother?

 

[1993]

What country are you from?

Somewhere in Europe

I can relate brother, sorry the distractions aren't helping. In an ideal world where life is worth living, what conditions do you need brother?

sorry to hear your in the same boat. For me it's not that I need/want specific conditions, just for my mental health to be stable. I'm just tired of fighting.
Hbu?