MyShadow
Looking for answers as I exit this life
- Aug 27, 2025
- 131
Suicide has been in my thoughts since my pre-teen years. I have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety from a traumatic and abusive childhood. I've always known that I wanted to die because I could never really find relief from the thoughts and feelings associated with my disorders and circumstances. I have gotten very close a few times, but the attempts were poor at best.
That's not to say there weren't moments of true happiness. Those moments turned into months and even years of happiness. There were actual times when I felt I could have a "normal" life, a family and support from those I loved. But sadly, those moments of happiness were fleeting and the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation resurfaced.
Honestly, I've been running away from CBT for my entire life. Even my career choice was an escape, but no matter what I did, the symptoms got worse and I developed PTSD from another traumatic event. Now, because of recent events and circumstances, my mental health has deteriorated further. On top of all of that I am afraid of growing old alone and losing the ability to choose my death is something that reinforces the suicidal ideation.
Every single year, 4,200 men take their own lives in the US. Globally, that number increases to over 700,000. These are just the reported cases. The CDC estimates that those numbers are largely inaccurate because of the thousands of unreported or poorly reported deaths. This is because proper mental health is largely unaffordable. This is especially true in the US.
With all of this in mind I have learned that my death by suicide is inevitable. I can't run from it any longer. Now, I have to overcome my basic survival instincts and follow through. Otherwise I face additional decades of suffering, loneliness and ever-decreasing options.
That's not to say there weren't moments of true happiness. Those moments turned into months and even years of happiness. There were actual times when I felt I could have a "normal" life, a family and support from those I loved. But sadly, those moments of happiness were fleeting and the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation resurfaced.
Honestly, I've been running away from CBT for my entire life. Even my career choice was an escape, but no matter what I did, the symptoms got worse and I developed PTSD from another traumatic event. Now, because of recent events and circumstances, my mental health has deteriorated further. On top of all of that I am afraid of growing old alone and losing the ability to choose my death is something that reinforces the suicidal ideation.
Every single year, 4,200 men take their own lives in the US. Globally, that number increases to over 700,000. These are just the reported cases. The CDC estimates that those numbers are largely inaccurate because of the thousands of unreported or poorly reported deaths. This is because proper mental health is largely unaffordable. This is especially true in the US.
With all of this in mind I have learned that my death by suicide is inevitable. I can't run from it any longer. Now, I have to overcome my basic survival instincts and follow through. Otherwise I face additional decades of suffering, loneliness and ever-decreasing options.
