nikdiedtoday
Member
- Sep 26, 2022
- 15
fighting with everything not to go on a scizo sounding rant about what my life has become. ill die not knowing why and how all this started. ill start notes soon and make a full plan. not that the notes will matter. broke my phone by mistake but i knew it would happen beforehand. thought id learn guitar finally this year. go to the movies with her. fully overcome the impossible task of going outside recreationaly. watch her grow. buy our first car. do a full head of cornrows. first rollercoaster. go out to dinner more. learn how to hack my brain into having more energy. first dog.beach trip. renovate the house. a billion other things. im failing in every way possible and i dont know how to keep going. im fighting a battle i cant win and im not sure who its even against anymore. mostly me i think. not all bad tho. things have been fun. made it wayyyyyyyyyyyy further then i ever thought possible. thats gotta mean something right. i dont want to go my heart aches. that sinking chest feeling. dont anyone go thinking im crazy cuz im not. i wasn't. idk, i guess i should try and write something more cohesive yk. its hard to cuz the ringing in my ears/head and so much to say and im unsure what order. earlier today i was eating apples and peanut butter and it made me think of how my mom used to make me ''choker sandwiches'' cuz it was all peanut butter and barely any bread and if you ate it too fast you'd choke. and i thought maybe ill write here about that. so i am. everything in the present is just a repackaged memory. i cant stand it. ive really tried to tho. tried to embrace it too. everything feels like him every smell reminds me of them every taste is too close to the last and every new person is an echo of myself someone ive hurt someone whos hurt me or someone i cant place yet but give me a day or two. work tomorrow. will figure some stuff out b4 ctb. i pray ill that myself for this instead of regret. i think i will. anyway, need to write some other shit. should sleep soon. cant call out again. my boss hates me (everyone does no bs so thats not saying much) SICK of my own company. enough random jumbled thoughts for now
