encouraging my future self to JUST GO THROUGH WITH IT

[glowing.purple.aura]

I'm planning on killing myself really, really soon and my one fear is that I will back out at the last moment (again...). I've been stuck in a loop for a while now where I think non-stop about suicide, impulsively act (for example driving to a bridge with plans to jump off), give up on my attempt last second due to anxiety, and then heavily regret not going through with my plan later. I'm posting this so I can revisit later and remind myself that deciding to live only ever leads to regret!!!

 

[58Alice85]

Caught myself a couple of times in this retarded loop too

 

[monetpompo]

the thought loop of ideating, crashing out, attempting, and then backing out because of SI genuinely feels worse than actually dying. being in the middle instead on the road to recovery or already dead is super annoying. it feels so embarrassing for me to go to a location (woods) then back out because of discomfort and then try to attempt in my closet but back out because i get really nervous feeling the rope tighten around my neck when i've said multiple times that i want to and that i'm going to kill myself. i feel so self conscious that i haven't gone through with it at least once. it really does feel like there's too much time to think when you're hanging. the hesitation when you're actually close to achieving your method and then thinking about it later makes me so upset. it's hard not to think about how i could just do it at any time but i get too nervous to keep going.