Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 554
God, I feel so empty, my head is blank. I don't feel real or human anymore, at times like this. But that in itself, being nothing, this serious dissociation I get doesn't really matter. I can't feel anything, I don't relate to anything, all there is, is null, observation point zero.
I earnestly don't want to exist, I'd always daydream as a child, through all of school, and now, as an "Adult" who should've just grown out of such childish habits, I'm daydreaming more often then not. Because my experience with mother, with life, observing the world, I've realized that I really shouldn't exist.
I try to think about myself, my feelings, but I just can't care. Let me suffer and die, as long as I can find a way to distract myself from it. Ideally, this body would've been an automaton, and my true-self, this soul, would've never exist to be here, to type this all out. I don't feel it, I'm not real, it's like I can see through a painting onto the blank wall it covers.
I'm so dissociated, so disconnected from myself and the universe. It's easy for this feeling to eat itself like a fractal when I try to confront it. Sadly, it seems like I'm truly alone with this. I wish I had someone with me I can grab when I'm like this, someone I trust and know, who feels the same for me. But all I get is a bunch of people who'll tell me it isn't wrong, I don't actually have a problem, I should just snap out of it, whatever.
I'm stuck with a bunch of people who don't understand and will just try to gaslight me into an operational state, or strangers online. I'm sick of it, I don't get it, I don't get this world, my autistic lack of that kind of inherit understanding everyone else is born with is a fucking kiss of death.
I'm just done, even if I hate being like this where my brain is blank while my soul is hurting, it can't be helped and I dissociate and innately, impulsively search for how I could distract myself. The more I dissociate, the more distant from everything I become, the more certain I am that I really shouldn't exist in this world and should outright ctb.
I earnestly don't want to exist, I'd always daydream as a child, through all of school, and now, as an "Adult" who should've just grown out of such childish habits, I'm daydreaming more often then not. Because my experience with mother, with life, observing the world, I've realized that I really shouldn't exist.
I try to think about myself, my feelings, but I just can't care. Let me suffer and die, as long as I can find a way to distract myself from it. Ideally, this body would've been an automaton, and my true-self, this soul, would've never exist to be here, to type this all out. I don't feel it, I'm not real, it's like I can see through a painting onto the blank wall it covers.
I'm so dissociated, so disconnected from myself and the universe. It's easy for this feeling to eat itself like a fractal when I try to confront it. Sadly, it seems like I'm truly alone with this. I wish I had someone with me I can grab when I'm like this, someone I trust and know, who feels the same for me. But all I get is a bunch of people who'll tell me it isn't wrong, I don't actually have a problem, I should just snap out of it, whatever.
I'm stuck with a bunch of people who don't understand and will just try to gaslight me into an operational state, or strangers online. I'm sick of it, I don't get it, I don't get this world, my autistic lack of that kind of inherit understanding everyone else is born with is a fucking kiss of death.
I'm just done, even if I hate being like this where my brain is blank while my soul is hurting, it can't be helped and I dissociate and innately, impulsively search for how I could distract myself. The more I dissociate, the more distant from everything I become, the more certain I am that I really shouldn't exist in this world and should outright ctb.
