Embarrassment leads to suicide

[unabletocope]

Embarrassment leads to suicide. All my life I have been an embarrassment - my embarrassment has destroyed me in life, throughout my life in periods where I can never be taken seriously. When I was small I picked up names, was more outwardly silly, made more of an outward effort than most people. this made me not get on, made me look uncool. When I got bigger I slipped up and hit on people in ways that made me look embarrassing, I pushed for someone that made me fall out harder. If I hadn't tried to do that things could have worked out better, trying to juggle getting on with someone while trying to get with the girl they also like in front of them was pretty dumb. I seem to go for what is most embarrassing by default, I am the most embarrassing person alive and I am going to kill myself, I think because my mental health team is aware of me and my previous overdoses/hospital admissions they are wary of me and can argue they have at least tried to take me seriously, maybe I have fucked up my plans to commit suicide forever but who knows, anyone can be pushed and I know I will never be taken seriously in life, I may be the most embarrassing person alive but I'm set on killing myself

I'm also waiting for SN to come through and I have a horrible feeling I have been scammed, my life continues to fuck up and I want nothing more at this point than to just die for good

 

[SueAsyde]

Whatever the future holds for you i hope it makes you happy or at least you find some sort of redemption

The problem with embarrassment in my opinion is that it is tied to the image of one's self and the self others have of you. So you could make up a character that you can play so you'd have some sort of control of how people see you and play with that image (which is seen as being self ironic and is for some reason considered to be in the same line as self confidence. I sometimes don't get people and i'm trying my hardest since at least 20 years.) It's also important to note that embarrassment is also tied to real or imagined social or personal mistakes. So you could be in a mindset of "Those are my values and i live by those, so screw y'all! I've seen what you like and what your goals are and i'm glad that you don't consider me one of your kind" Isn't it kinda funny how social constructs can be bend so much that it's pointing out the flaws of itself? Everything you'd need are good reasons and you're good to go. Some backlash might be harder than other ones but at the end of the day you can always convince others of your inner processes. But please.. don't go out and say the earth is flat. lol
I wish you all the best!

 

[unabletocope]

I just want to die, when I fuck up I don't just fuck up I crash headfirst and break myself over and over, surely there should be an exception to allow euthanasia to people like me, who know they are beyond hope and life is permanent suffering? For fucks aake