hi lurkers.
When I found this site accidentally I thought, wow people who understand my pain. I honestly didn't consider that there would be lurkers, bad actors, bots, and trolls. Didn't care atm. I hope anyone I know doesnt come across this. Might lose and destroy my phone before it's all said and done.
I have been so naive about a lot of things.
I wasn't a chronically online person until I got this messed up. Now all I do is read posts here and doomscroll fb without actually paying attention to anything.
I haven't been able to think straight for at least a year now.
I guess I just didn't care about privacy anymore which was something I valued most. What's privacy in this day and age anyway.
Now I kinda don't feel safe here anymore but still can't shut up. Idk I was quiet for so long I snapped. Maybe I should disappear into oblivion but have already said too much.
I wish I could delete posts.
The recent youtube video made about this site doesn't help how I feel.
I wish I had a tight knit group of friends who absolutely feel the same way.
I hope that people find a way to get better, but at the same time I think I respect people's right to choose. I'm just so confused all the time.
Much love to people who are truly suffering. Try not to make any rash decisions. If you can find meaning in this world please do. I wonder, is there meaning to our suffering...
I envy people who have family and friends, even if they are assholes. Being completely isolated as long as I have been is enough to make anyone go insane.
I both feel bad for and envy people who have literally anything. A shitty job that preoccupies their time. A car. Pets. Hobbies. Passion even if it's anger or hate. I can't even feel anymore besides despair and apathy.
I still have empathy but don't know how to express it anymore. I feel like all I can say is "I'm sorry"
I used to have a thousand thoughts per minute now I can barely form one. My brain is now slow gibberish. My dreams are vivid but make no sense. I can't even fall into deep sleep anymore. I feel like I'm dreaming while half awake. I jerk awake constantly. I used to escape and sleep my life away, now I barely sleep.
I used to feel my feelings so passionately that I even miss the negative feelings because it was something.
I feel this way constantly, there's not a moment that goes by where I don't feel this.. I used to have good moments. I always had suicidal ideation but the fear of death kept me going. Now I'm afraid of living. But every time I feel like I'm really close to doing it, I'm like, maybe I should keep trying, knowing full well the next day will suck.
The only thing keeping me here is not wanting to hurt two beautiful amazing innocent people.
When I found this site accidentally I thought, wow people who understand my pain. I honestly didn't consider that there would be lurkers, bad actors, bots, and trolls. Didn't care atm. I hope anyone I know doesnt come across this. Might lose and destroy my phone before it's all said and done.
I have been so naive about a lot of things.
I wasn't a chronically online person until I got this messed up. Now all I do is read posts here and doomscroll fb without actually paying attention to anything.
I haven't been able to think straight for at least a year now.
I guess I just didn't care about privacy anymore which was something I valued most. What's privacy in this day and age anyway.
Now I kinda don't feel safe here anymore but still can't shut up. Idk I was quiet for so long I snapped. Maybe I should disappear into oblivion but have already said too much.
I wish I could delete posts.
The recent youtube video made about this site doesn't help how I feel.
I wish I had a tight knit group of friends who absolutely feel the same way.
I hope that people find a way to get better, but at the same time I think I respect people's right to choose. I'm just so confused all the time.
Much love to people who are truly suffering. Try not to make any rash decisions. If you can find meaning in this world please do. I wonder, is there meaning to our suffering...
I envy people who have family and friends, even if they are assholes. Being completely isolated as long as I have been is enough to make anyone go insane.
I both feel bad for and envy people who have literally anything. A shitty job that preoccupies their time. A car. Pets. Hobbies. Passion even if it's anger or hate. I can't even feel anymore besides despair and apathy.
I still have empathy but don't know how to express it anymore. I feel like all I can say is "I'm sorry"
I used to have a thousand thoughts per minute now I can barely form one. My brain is now slow gibberish. My dreams are vivid but make no sense. I can't even fall into deep sleep anymore. I feel like I'm dreaming while half awake. I jerk awake constantly. I used to escape and sleep my life away, now I barely sleep.
I used to feel my feelings so passionately that I even miss the negative feelings because it was something.
I feel this way constantly, there's not a moment that goes by where I don't feel this.. I used to have good moments. I always had suicidal ideation but the fear of death kept me going. Now I'm afraid of living. But every time I feel like I'm really close to doing it, I'm like, maybe I should keep trying, knowing full well the next day will suck.
The only thing keeping me here is not wanting to hurt two beautiful amazing innocent people.
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