Doing nothing all day because im thinking about ctb soon

[Defenestration]

I spend three-quarters of my day lying down and surfing the internet... saying that there's no point in making an effort to get better because I'm going to have CTB very soon... but the problem is that I've been saying this since January 2024...

Does this happen to some of you? To let yourself go, to neglect yourself... because they really think about CTB, but each time they put it off...

 

[Spectre]

I would just keep doing stuff until you actually do it. No point dying while also homeless.

 

[dancemacabre]

My suicidal thoughts have been a constant in my life, but not persistent enough for me to go through with them. My first suicidal thoughts happened around 2011. I was 15 at the time. Then they got worse around 2016 when I was in my second year of law school. Then in 2021 I was sure I was gonna commit suicide. Now it's 2025. I've been suicidal for 14 years now, pretty much. Still here because I don't know how to do it. But I am still convinced I am going to kill myself and so I don't do shit all day because what's the point if you are going to die? I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

 

[Defenestration]

I still have one of these two problems.

1) Either I can't actually do it because I have to take care of something. It could be anything, like taking my mother to a doctor's appointment, neutering the dog or others things.

2) Or when I can, at the last minute, I get scared and cancel 1 or 2 days beforehand.

Repeat, repeat, repeat And I'm in a state of depression + severe social phobia, which means I avoid almost everything and do nothing... I live on an adult disability benefit.

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah I'm in the same situation, it sucks.

 

[http-410]

Yes. Feels like being stuck in purgatory.

I'm just rotting these days. I'm even too tired or too stupid or whatever to ctb. I gave up on mid- to long-term goals a long time ago. And myself, too. Any effort to make improvements only made matters worse. Thinking about the future is pointless now.

I don't even know what it would take to break this cycle.

 

[ScholarOfDespair]

I am pretty much in the same situation as you. I keep looking and researching for "painless" ways to end it then a couple of hours later I try to give myself hope that things will improve. This thought pattern keeps on going throughout my entire day until I become exhausted and then I just sleep.

 

[Aisling1710]

Utter pandemonium.

 

[itwillhappensoon]

I'm miserable most days and have been this way since my teen years , I don't know how exactly I feel about ctb but I can say that the idea that I can end it whenever I want makes me keep going , the weight life puts on me is insane but I kept going I can't guarantee I'll never ctb , the freedom that we humans have is the worst curse

 

[somethingisntreal]

I feel you. I'm in a similar situation right now. I used to lurk on this website every once in a while but I recently made an account. It feels as if I'm finally about to reach the end. I don't know what I'm even doing. Just stuck somewhere between wanting to ctb and living another day. I always chicken out the last minute during my attempts. I've isolated myself completely from everybody else. Whenever it comes to household chores, I convince myself that there's no point since I'll die pretty soon. All I'm doing these days is browse SaSu and think about my ctb plan.

 

[Defenestration]

Pandémonium total.

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