Venting Does it ever get better?

[Nervous young man]

Several months ago I attempted and just ended up back in the medical system, taking new schizophrenia medication, etc. I committed myself to recovery, got a job, made plans for school and whatnot just to lose my best friend of 3 years and the closest friend I have had since I was 17. We were incredibly close and life feels completely worthless going forward, we also both harbored feelings for each other that we agreed not to pursue because of our collective conflicted mental state but through all my meltdowns and episodes she was always there for me and vice versa. I guess co-dependency isn't helpful but I was just so so scared to be on my own again and now I'm on my own again. I could probably get up eventually, dust myself off, do better in life and learn to live without her but is it even worth it? To return back to all this, all the trauma, but this time on my own? This is a worthless vent post, mostly here for posterity as I usually end up here during incredibly low points in my life just to whine like an idiot instead of actually manning up for once and killing myself. You'd think that with even less to live for I'd be able to do it but I'm just so scared of everything. I don't even know if its worth keeping this shitty job, I'm thinking about taking my last paycheck and going to parties for a week or two before doing a fuck ton of heroin. I'd imagine that heroin would be much easier to commit on than nitrites or even shooting myself because frankly heroin is just a lot more fun. So I guess the first half of this post is venting about being co-dependent but absolutely terrified of being on my own ( plus it affirms how much of an unlovable freak I am ) and also asking for thoughts on heroin/fentanyl ( because fent is in everything these days ) for CTB.
EDIT: I'm about to go to work absolutely plastered at this rate.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Okay - to answer the question posed in your title: Yes, it does get better. And as much as I hate saying the next part because it seems to be the theme for 90% of my posts......I can say it will get better because I was exactly where you were when I was in my teens and early 20's; feeling lost, frustrated, scared, anxious. I was like an open nerve spasming from the slightest interaction.

I am now 60 and even though CTB has been a part of my life, almost like a shadowy twin who materializes when things are really bad, I can look back and see that success (however you define it) can be achieved by simply not quitting. I failed out of university, went back and made it. I failed out of my career, went back and made it. I failed out of one marriage, was alone for years and then found someone I connected with. I could go on and on. So, cut yourself a break; CTB is not, as I am only starting to figure out, something you do for failures. It is something you do for intractable chronic pain, whether emotional or physical.

Now, the above only applies to me. I do not know what others are going through so I am not going to pass judgment on whether CTB is right for them. All I am doing is repsonding to the OP's query.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I am not helpful,, thats all I know, because,,, it wouldn't be,, no no no no,,, not for me,, i cant even fathom the idea,, they can make all the the threats they want and I wont make one because if I do then they will leave,, im certain and I cant even go into actual depth about it because,,, im not okay,, I wish I could be of help,, but I know I wouldnt be,, because,,, I wouldnt let myself "move on" I cant even register the idea my head just goes blank,,, I never seem to let go,, I cant,, and I wont..


Stay away from the hard drugs though if you truly want a clear headed end without any the uncertainty drugs bring, then again i cant tell you not to do heroine, my eldest brothers an addict ti it all so i just know how unreliableI and uncomfortable oding can be,, he even went temporary blind after oding before,, anyhow i plan to go out by firearm

 

[39hatsune]

Okay - to answer the question posed in your title: Yes, it does get better. And as much as I hate saying the next part because it seems to be the theme for 90% of my posts......I can say it will get better because I was exactly where you were when I was in my teens and early 20's; feeling lost, frustrated, scared, anxious. I was like an open nerve spasming from the slightest interaction.

I am now 60 and even though CTB has been a part of my life, almost like a shadowy twin who materializes when things are really bad, I can look back and see that success (however you define it) can be achieved by simply not quitting. I failed out of university, went back and made it. I failed out of my career, went back and made it. I failed out of one marriage, was alone for years and then found someone I connected with. I could go on and on. So, cut yourself a break; CTB is not, as I am only starting to figure out, something you do for failures. It is something you do for intractable chronic pain, whether emotional or physical.

Now, the above only applies to me. I do not know what others are going through so I am not going to pass judgment on whether CTB is right for them. All I am doing is repsonding to the OP's query.

how long did it take to get better? do you still ever feel the way you used to even now? i feel hopeless, i cant see a future

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

What do you care about? if you're like me it's not going to get better because there isn't any better or anything really.

But if you care about normal human stuff, it might get better in a way or two depending on luck or your "choices".

 

[Seneca65AD]

how long did it take to get better? do you still ever feel the way you used to even now? i feel hopeless, i cant see a future

Better? A lot of times I can only see it having been better in retrospect and doing a comparison between then and now. Steve Jobs said that you can't connect the dots looking in the future. You can only connect them looking in the past. That eventually made a lot of sense to me. Losing my first marriage was an absolute gut-punch. I was sure that I would not survive it nor find another woman like her. But I was wrong - and I was only able to see that after I got into the relationship - which took years from the date my first marriage failed. But now, I am more stable than I have been in the past.

To be clear, that does not mean I don't have a lot of down periods - hell, I'm posting on a suicide discussion forum - but at least I'm able to see the past as somewhat of a blessing for giving me a lot of emotional and some physical scar tissue. Nothing will beat you up more than life and everytime you wake up and are still breathing, then you have a "chance'. A chance to make a change or a chance to try something new, or a chance to try and fail at something. I'm not "happy" but I am content more often that not.....and I can work with content.

And feeling hopeless and not seeing a future does not mean that you will not be succesful. It simply means you have not found your "why" yet. Why are you getting out of bed? Why are you going to work? Or to school? And you don't need to be very specific with your "why". I wasn't and I stillI stumbled onto success. When I failed out of university, I took a year off, worked physical labour and came back the next year under academic probation. If I blew a test, I would speak with the professor and ask about how to make up for the poor mark. I was never the A student, but I was someone who tried and I believe that as jaded as profs are reported to be, they just want to see effort and then they will meet that person 1/2 way.

But academics are not for everybody - and that's ok. The trades such as plumbing, electrical, or welders make a lot of money and if you start your own business, you can set your own hours. If I had to do it all over again, I would probably join the military to get some discipline. Being good at failure is not all that bad but it is definitely rough on the ego - and a little discipline would have prevented me from making a lot of mistakes.

Oh, and I happened to get on a very crooked path to success after one year of labour. If it takes you longer than that - who the hell cares? You are on your own time line.

So, for me the key to success is simply making it through one day after the next and trusting I can look back in a year, or 10 or 25, and see how all the "dots of my life" lined up so that everthing is "better" than it was. Sorry for the rambling - but the older I get, the more I realize a successful life can be achieved just by showing up. I guess that is why I get frustrated and more depressed when I see such young people with their lives ahead of them getting ready to CTB. I just want to shake them and yell 'don't give up, don't you dare give up". LIfe is messy and sad and can be horrible, but just give it one more day... and turn that day into a week, and the week into the month. And know that you have an old guy in your corner cheering and hoping you make it that one more day.

EDIT: Sorry, I reread the above and I am not saying that CTB is bad or not justified in certain situations. I just don't want to see it used for things that are perceived as failures. Pain is one thing to CTB about, but my god, a failure in a test or university or an unplanned pregnancy is what I call "life".

EDIT#2: I included the question which led to my response.....