WilliamKline
Flâneur
- Sep 16, 2019
- 135
Today, a little ray of light broke through my clouded sky which has been pitch black for months now. It was a memory of me walking hand in hand with my ex girlfriend, who's been the love of my life. I got a little taste of what it had felt like, to be in love, to be loved, and to look forward to the future. And that was also the moment I completely broke drown.
Just bringing back that little shimmer of what it had felt like to be happy made me realise I have not allowed myself to feel love or happiness for years. It just opened up a ghastly black hole - knowing I have denied myself hapiness and love because I have fucked it up with my mental issues. This relationship, this love, this future, gone to shit because of anxiety and depression. Things going to shit because of feeling the way I feel - distancing myself from the people who love me the most.
I just don't want to feel any love or happiness because it brings back what could have been... all the regrets that I've been living with but buried by a kind of martyrdom - by denying myself love I don't have to feel I miss it so much. Even though I do know that I will continue to do what I have always done, it's just fucked up genetics and I know I'll never be any different.
Does anyone recognise any of this?
Edit: Might have to move this to the offtopic, haven't heard heartbreak be mentioned as a way to CTB
Just bringing back that little shimmer of what it had felt like to be happy made me realise I have not allowed myself to feel love or happiness for years. It just opened up a ghastly black hole - knowing I have denied myself hapiness and love because I have fucked it up with my mental issues. This relationship, this love, this future, gone to shit because of anxiety and depression. Things going to shit because of feeling the way I feel - distancing myself from the people who love me the most.
I just don't want to feel any love or happiness because it brings back what could have been... all the regrets that I've been living with but buried by a kind of martyrdom - by denying myself love I don't have to feel I miss it so much. Even though I do know that I will continue to do what I have always done, it's just fucked up genetics and I know I'll never be any different.
Does anyone recognise any of this?
Edit: Might have to move this to the offtopic, haven't heard heartbreak be mentioned as a way to CTB
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