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Defatigatis

Defatigatis

And at my funeral, i didn't see you there...
Aug 16, 2022
37
I'm not referring to the desire for CTB itself, but rather a strong feeling, intuition, call it what you will, that tells you you won't live that long.

I've felt this just before getting my hands on the medications for the SN protocol. I feel it even more today, which was precisely when my SN arrived.
I don't know what to think. I'm trying to distract myself and focus on the plans i've made with someone i'm in a relationship with... But i can't. Everything seems fake, small, superficial and it is increasingly difficult to bear being limited to this physical body and this world. — told myself that i just wanted to get everything ready and leave whenever I wanted. But it seems that the proportion of this has increased.
 
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OnMyLast Legs

OnMyLast Legs

Too many regrets
Oct 29, 2024
262
Yes, but without a plan. I know there's no way I can live with the wretchedness of my young adulthood and somehow put a smile back on my face. 20-35 was one long moral collapse. I have no career, education, anything. This has to end.

Nice job getting the SN stuff.
 
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ringo99

ringo99

Mage
Apr 18, 2023
533
I'm 37 years old and have lost all hope of ever making something positive out of my life. Everything I've tried failed. Even getting a masters in business administration couldn't get me a promotion or a better job. Now I'm forced to learn highly technical certifications that are difficult to grasp at my age notwithstanding a neurological condition that makes it extremely hard to retain information. Without them I'll no longer be employable. A career change now is unthinkable. I need help that I'm never going to get. So tired of living and fighting at such a basic level under constant stress. I wish my country made it easy to get a gun like in some US states so I could end it painlessly with a bullet to the brain, but SN will have to do.
 
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MissAbyss

MissAbyss

"Yada, yada, yada..."
Jul 20, 2025
263
Yes, I can't really put it into words. It's like an inner knowing. In the final stages of finding acceptance and closure with the last pieces of the puzzle to complete the puzzle.
 
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Defatigatis

Defatigatis

And at my funeral, i didn't see you there...
Aug 16, 2022
37
Yes, I can't really explain it into words. It's like an inner knowing. In the final stages of finding acceptance and closure with the last pieces of the puzzle to complete the puzzle.
I would express what i am feeling in the exactly same way.
It seems that all that remains to me is... total detachment from material things and finally moving on.
 
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unluckysadness

unluckysadness

Warlock
Jul 9, 2025
725
I'm 43 and I didn't expect to live that long. Only suffering. I hope I'll be free soon.
 
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shampoo sniffer

shampoo sniffer

Lather rinse repeat
Aug 10, 2025
176
I'm 34 (I'll be 35 in December) If I was a cavewoman, I'd consider myself long lived.
 
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autumn68

autumn68

Member
Apr 4, 2025
26
i've felt this every day for at least the last year. i have pretty bad anxiety and ocd so it's partially related to that but idk. it feels very real
 
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P

peewee

Member
Oct 16, 2025
56
hoping it will be over in 2 days if I can get the courage
 
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T

Terrible_Life_99

Experienced
Jul 3, 2025
237
Yes I think my time has come. There's no reason to continue living. I wake up and the suffering begins until i go back to sleep. I fulfill no function I'm not helping, I'm not useful but instead just a wreck. I should have done it years ago and i regret that.
 
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B

braintorture

Member
Oct 19, 2025
15
wish it was. I was planning my suicide and planned it for next week or so but unfortunately I've been kicked out yesterday and I have to post pone my plans in a twisted turn of events and unfortunately (again) my anger and survival instincts are too high for me to have the strength to go back into planning suicide. so now I'm forced to try one more time to survive.
I definitely feel it coming though. I am probably not making it past 2026.
 
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Dark Moon

Dark Moon

Elementalist
Sep 21, 2022
857
I get the feeling that I won't be around for long, it's like some higher calling telling me that and it's not like I can turn my situation around anyway. I've also lived long enough.
 
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Irisse

Irisse

Art belongs to Maksn (on yt)
Sep 8, 2025
299
I feel like this year will either make it or break it for me. My earliest date is sometime in Summer of 2026 and strangely I feel something big is coming, but I don't know is it the end or something else.
 
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AntarusDragon

AntarusDragon

Member
Sep 29, 2025
20
I'll do it in November, I just don't have a choice. I'm mentally prepared to die and leave this physical body.. My existence on this planet is a mistake.
 
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hmnow

hmnow

Experienced
Jul 29, 2025
200
Ever so close - its like dancing around the fire before I jump in
 
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Off_Switch

Off_Switch

Student
Aug 15, 2025
184
I have reached the "happy" stage:



The weather is getting cooler. My thoughts are getting clearer. Going deep into the woods won't be as humid and unpleasant. Daylight savings time is around the corner. The days will get shorter, more depressing and more suicide-inducing. But Halloween will provide the excitement to CTB. It's the perfect time for me. I am highly considering next Oct. 31st as my day to go.
 
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FadingSnowFake

FadingSnowFake

Enlightened
Nov 25, 2024
1,297
I don't know anymore. Turned 50 last week and it's so unreal. Cannot believe this is where I am, how everything up to now amounted to nothing really. I think next month will make or break me, when this spiral into the abyss started a year ago. I can relate to the fakeness and smallness of it all, and maybe I'm also trying to distract myself by routines, perhaps daydreaming, and holding on to a thread of hope on someone, in a future which seems blank.

Since getting SN, I've been a bit calmer, and getting the meds, finalizing affairs just a part of the process. I'm very much more aware of the reality of dying, of how fleeting all this is and how empty I am. Thanks to SaSu, I also know that I'm not alone in struggling, that I'm nobody special and that suicide is real for many of us. I haven't yet found my peace though and I hope that we all will, either way.
 
lunar02102009

lunar02102009

Lone1y_Lamp
Apr 12, 2025
163
I'm not referring to the desire for CTB itself, but rather a strong feeling, intuition, call it what you will, that tells you you won't live that long.

I've felt this just before getting my hands on the medications for the SN protocol. I feel it even more today, which was precisely when my SN arrived.
I don't know what to think. I'm trying to distract myself and focus on the plans i've made with someone i'm in a relationship with... But i can't. Everything seems fake, small, superficial and it is increasingly difficult to bear being limited to this physical body and this world. — told myself that i just wanted to get everything ready and leave whenever I wanted. But it seems that the proportion of this has increased.
Yes i do! And im so grateful for it.
 
lost in the lilies

lost in the lilies

Member
Oct 22, 2025
7
I'm not referring to the desire for CTB itself, but rather a strong feeling, intuition, call it what you will, that tells you you won't live that long.

I've felt this just before getting my hands on the medications for the SN protocol. I feel it even more today, which was precisely when my SN arrived.
I don't know what to think. I'm trying to distract myself and focus on the plans i've made with someone i'm in a relationship with... But i can't. Everything seems fake, small, superficial and it is increasingly difficult to bear being limited to this physical body and this world. — told myself that i just wanted to get everything ready and leave whenever I wanted. But it seems that the proportion of this has increased.
I wouldn't say a feeling that I 'won't live that long' but more so that there's absolutely no way things will ever improve. I think people by default always run on a shred of hope that some positive change might come along, I'm always thinking of "what ifs", that although unlikely, can't be totally discredited. I think it's also the reason why I haven't truly committed to CTB, there's always that "what if" deep down that makes me afraid to die. But as time goes on it's like I'm running out of those "what ifs", and even the ones that remain look more and more unlikely. It has led me to think that maybe I was never really 'destined' for anything good, maybe I just supposed to be one of those people who didn't find their place in this world. Nobody ever wants or plans to become that person but I suppose someone has to.
Yes I think my time has come. There's no reason to continue living. I wake up and the suffering begins until i go back to sleep. I fulfill no function I'm not helping, I'm not useful but instead just a wreck. I should have done it years ago and i regret that.
That feeling of uselessness is really rough. I think it's probably one of the most painful thoughts I have. To look around myself and see that I am utterly useless, nothing more than dead weight & a disappointing burden on the shoulders of anyone unfortunate enough to know or have to put up with me. It makes me feel so pathetic and parasitic that I feel physically repulsed at my own reflection. Not that I wasn't already unsettled by my appearance, but this really made it worse. I'm sorry that you go through that as well.
 
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