Does anyone ever really fully stop being suicidal? 18F

[idoticbrainstorming]

I've had suicidal thoughts since about 11 years old and first attempted suicide when I was 12 because of bullying and PTSD from being raped as an 8 year old both of which lead me to have extreme anxiety and depression so suicide felt like the best option.


I have had help on and off for years have tried antidepressants and the self help things that you're supposed to do but nothing helped. There's been times on and off over the past few years where things have gotten "better" and I've not been struggling as much but even then if any minor inconvenience would happen my mind would immediately jump to suicide. Now my life is the worst it's ever been.

I've become addicted to alcohol and nicotine and haven't been able to have any in a while or not much because ive been forced to stop because one time I got really drunk and attempted to take my own life and was hallucinating. This is tough because especially with the alcohol for a while I was getting drunk daily because it was helping me deal with my depression and PTSD. And I went from that to cold turkey no alcohol. I'm back to being suicidal. I don't think there will ever be a time I'm not suicidal no matter what I do.

And I find it hard to believe that anyone who is suicidal can ever fully recover. I feel like when you've gotten to the point where you're so done with life you want to kill yourself there's no recovering from that. You're permanently broken. People who say they've recovered from being suicidal of course I'm happy for them but I feel like they are either delusional or lying and will be suicidal again soon or are suicidal and covering it up.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I've started a discussion thread about whether suicidal thoughts ever go away. If you're interested here's the link:

Do suicidal thoughts ever go away again once they are manifested in our brains for many years, even after a successful recovery?

The question is pretty much the title. This is probably more a question for people who are in a recovery process (or have recovered) or who were suicidal on and off in their lives.

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Eyler]

In all opinions of mine, I see no issue in why you think that way— even I can say so myself that I doubted whether people do actually recover in general and in my choice of words I would say Yes, Maybe but it has to be in a way that they have been damaged less painful than others (obviously less trauma does not equal that you can't suffer worse than the ones that have conquered worse).

I would also personally that it can be possible with the help of people they are close with, which type of therapist you meet and what type of things YOU DO in order to recover. Most people who try to recover never actually the chance in fully helping themselves and their mistakes. They go to therapy and don't listen. Though other than that It can also be therapy in general just being ass because I can promise you there is Many out there that DON'T actually help in the first place.

I would say it really depends with almost everything in your life, mental state, trauma, friendships and relationships, current state of emotion and if you seeking help, etc.

I would also like to say that I dearly feel bad for your progression in recovery only to worsen.. which all I could do is wish you the best in my regards and hopes of you to find a better light around to fill you well. I'm sorry for all the things you had to go through, which I can fully understand because I been in similar circumstances.

Honestly— even with help, I feel like some people are just destined to not fully seek well enough to be able to be better. I say that people eventually go back to their roots, to get better and fall again— and the cycle continues.

I'm not sure, I'm no expert. Just someone who observes.

Best wishes for you.

 

[ringo99]

Looking at the Recovery forum on this site I'd say so

 

[_Gollum_]

Once your brain has crossed the line of seriously considering suicide as a viable option, there is no going back. It may be possible to reach a point where you have no desire to avail yourself of that option anymore, or hell, a point where you forget about it altogether, but IMO suicidal ideation is an acquired skill -- once learned, it can be picked back up again at any point afterwards, almost like riding a bike.

 

[Deleted member 94706]

I have stopped being suicidal before, but still depressed. It wasn't until recently that I actually considered suicide again, the last time being over a year ago. I've been depressed ever since I was 15. It's been years, and somehow I am still depressed. It's not going to get better anytime soon unless I can manage to make my life better.

 

[ferrie]

If you're looking for answers from people on the road to recovery or who have actually recovered, the Recovery part of the forum will have a more positive outlook. People here tend to be at their wits end and have lost a lot of hope regarding recovery. I'll give you my perspective as someone who I think has had similar issues as you from your post. I won't go into a whole lot of detail here since it can be triggering for some, but feel free to dm me once you've unlocked those permissions if you want a more in depth discussion. I am 24. I've also been suicidal since I was 12, and I was sexually abused for about 15 years since I was 7, possibly younger & I just can't remember. That and other instances with aggressive men gave me CPTSD. I'm also diagnosed with GAD, BPD, TRD, and my therapist thinks I may have Pure O OCD. I've been addicted to nicotine, alcohol, and prescription drugs all as ways to escape my own brain and depression. I've now spent half my life battling depression and suicidal ideations, and all the antidepressants and self help skills never seemed to work. I'm now on my seventh antidepressant & it doesn't really feel any different than the others. There were periods where I felt I had recovered though and would go maybe six months without feeling any suicidal ideations, but they always seemed to come back. I think it's impossible to recover when your life circumstances are working against you & your thoughts consume you. However, if mental health is the biggest barrier, I think recovery can be possible. I've recently started Spravato, and a lot of my thoughts from the CPTSD & BPD have quieted. I am still suicidal bc of life circumstances, but if I was able to change those I know I wouldn't be suicidal anymore. Sometimes just finding the right treatment can change a lot for your mental health. It's a fuck ton of work, but recovery isn't a delusion

 

[UKscotty]

Definitely yes. Only a tiny amount of people go through with CTB, like less than 0.01% of the population.

I think recovery is getting better and better but the problem is that it's expensive to treat and governments would rather we be dead than be a drain on the system. Pharmaceutical companies only care about money so they'd also rather us be dead if we are not paying customers.

 

[sometimesoon]

And I find it hard to believe that anyone who is suicidal can ever fully recover. I feel like when you've gotten to the point where you're so done with life you want to kill yourself there's no recovering from that. You're permanently broken. People who say they've recovered from being suicidal of course I'm happy for them but I feel like they are either delusional or lying and will be suicidal again soon or are suicidal and covering it up.

I have been suicidal since I was 14 or 15. It's not always in my thoughts, but it comes inwaves. But always comes back

I now just "live with it" because somewhere along my path, I will just cancel myself. I just accept that is my fate, and the timing is the only thing I have control over

 

[onemoreyear]

Hey op, i hope it's okay to say that i feel your story really deeply and that what you're saying reminds me a little bit of my life. I'm really sorry that you had to be put through abuse as a kid. It isn't fair to any of us. One thing I do know is that my addictions to nicotine, alcohol, heroin/cocaine, and then kratom, whatever else I could find.... i feel that all of that significantly decreased my chances of a happy life now that I am 30. I know it feels so tempting to turn to substances to ease the anxiety and horrible feelings. For me, they ended up keeping me in nearly the exact same place for going on 13 years now. I believe if i would have tried to cope without those things, left my childhood city/recurring triggers behind and started new, I'd be better off right now. I also agree with sometimesoon that these horrible feelings come in waves. How you respond to them will shape your life... It's okay to feel like shit, to feel whatever you feel, but it doesn't have to be the end, friend. <3 I hope it gets better for both of us.