Discussion Does anyone else lack the basic will to live?

[pokerkitty]

When I talk to non-suicidal people, it seems that they all have this basic, fundamental will to live. It's something I don't know if I've ever felt.

My first serious attempt was at age 7. I recently found my first ever suicide note while cleaning out my childhood bedroom. Of course, it was baby's first suicide attempt, so all I did was swallow a bottle of Tylenol, which didn't do me any good.

Since then, I've been consistently attempting and self harming. Attempted maybe 5 times. Nearly succeeded last time, was stupid enough to tell my therapist and got committed.

Is this a common experience, to attempt at such a young age?

 

[ramon]

To answer the question you've posted in the title of your thread, eventhough I still see beauty on anything and anybody, and opportunities for improvement in any aspect of life; I lost all purpose on keep on living. My ever decreasing health and finances make enjoying the next beautiful sunrise a pointless action, and all possibilities for any kind of great outcome came at an age in which they are already useless to me.

For the rest of your post, at around 7 years of age, I wrote a letter to my parents telling them I wanted to stab myself in the heart to stop all the pressures of teachers and bullies.

During college, I considered stabbing myself and, by the time had the knife pointing at my chest, my SI kicked in.

Also, as a result of self disappointment, I incurred in SH about 2 times in my whole life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, in my case I've certainly never wished to exist and I'd never wish to no matter what, I find simply existing to be burdensome and deeply undesirable, I've always and only wished for death, ever since I became aware of what death was it comforted me as after all it's the one escape from this painful, torturous existence that is so futile and cruel to me. Personally I just want nothingness and I'd never wish to experience anything at all.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Is this a common experience, to attempt at such a young age?

I would say no. Do you know why you wanted to kys? What was the reason? @ramon mentioned - too high pressures and bullies and that is a very valid reason that can make someone suicidal especially if this doesn't stop.

I don't think that anyone is born suicidal. In most cases external circumstances are the cause for suicidal ideation in any age.

 

[uniqueusername4]

I don't have any will to live even when I am fucking happy. I would be accepting of my life ending at any time. It sucks. I dont understand those survivor type people who have underground housing just in case of an apocalypse. Like, why would you want to live through that?! It makes no sense to me.

I think will to live comes naturally to most people. For me, I cant find a will to live because all of this is so nonsensical and I have a terrible time building/keeping connections. People who are suicidal probably shouldn't seek out new connections anyways because it is just going to hurt that person in the end. It's a catch 22 when I attempt to live. I could just be prolonging someone else's suffering by getting them more attached to me. Why make someone else go through all that for no reason?


I dont think it is super common for people of such a young age to have suicidal ideations, but I have heard of a few cases like this. I feel like some people are shielded from knowing suicide is even a thing and maybe wouldn't naturally have thought of methods on their own without hearing of someone else doing it first whether it is a historically significant person or someone they knew in real life. For example, I used to want to die terribly but would want someone else to harm me, had never really been able to think about hurting myself until about 10 years ago. Idk what snapped but then I was ready to harm myself permanently. I still wanted to do it in the most peaceful way possible though. Then I tried prozac and now I really don't give af what happens to my body. Prozac made me have violent suicidal thoughts with just an overwhelming amount of joy from visualizing my own blood. I stopped it really quickly but unfortunately once you start imagining that type of stuff it doesn't just go away because you stop the pill that started it.

 

[Moniker]

I don't really understand what a will to live is. I've assumed that it's just SI, but others describe it as its own special thing.

My issues started when I was around nine years old. I self harmed sometimes, but it was very minor cuts and bruises. I don't think I had a serious attempt until I was 18. I was abused as a kid though, so maybe that's what made me suicidal at a young age.

 

[cutiepatootiew/rizz]

I don't have any will to live even when I am fucking happy. I would be accepting of my life ending at any time. It sucks. I dont understand those survivor type people who have underground housing just in case of an apocalypse. Like, why would you want to live through that?! It makes no sense to me.

I think will to live comes naturally to most people. For me, I cant find a will to live because all of this is so nonsensical and I have a terrible time building/keeping connections. People who are suicidal probably shouldn't seek out new connections anyways because it is just going to hurt that person in the end. It's a catch 22 when I attempt to live. I could just be prolonging someone else's suffering by getting them more attached to me. Why make someone else go through all that for no reason?


I dont think it is super common for people of such a young age to have suicidal ideations, but I have heard of a few cases like this. I feel like some people are shielded from knowing suicide is even a thing and maybe wouldn't naturally have thought of methods on their own without hearing of someone else doing it first whether it is a historically significant person or someone they knew in real life. For example, I used to want to die terribly but would want someone else to harm me, had never really been able to think about hurting myself until about 10 years ago. Idk what snapped but then I was ready to harm myself permanently. I still wanted to do it in the most peaceful way possible though. Then I tried prozac and now I really don't give af what happens to my body. Prozac made me have violent suicidal thoughts with just an overwhelming amount of joy from visualizing my own blood. I stopped it really quickly but unfortunately once you start imagining that type of stuff it doesn't just go away because you stop the pill that started it.

my only will to live right now is saving up money for more tattoos, I want to look pretty when I die..

 

[Valhala]

I have noticed that whenever I am surrounded by people, friends or simply unknown people in a public place, I always feel an incredible desire to drink SN and finish it as soon as possible. However, when I go home, sleep and wake up in the morning, some strange, inexplicable fear seizes me and I feel that it's good that I haven't done CTB yet. This is really very strange and I'm trying to figure out why this is happening..

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I never had a will to live in the first place. Life never appealed to me

 

[divinemistress36]

I've thought life was pointless since I was 13. I've never understood why people put so much effort into everything

 

[Username1359751]

Lol I tried with aspirin at age 12, and ended up being committed. I'm sure I'd have tried something (and possibly be successful given the resource) better at a younger age if I had had access to anything.
No, I don't think this is normal. Think we're a subset of the unfortunate defective genepool.

 

[İnilerim]

I don't think I ever had that will, it was just that child- and teenhood were so filled with distractions and interests that ctb'ing never occurred to me. Now that I have nothing left to pursue, I see absolutely no point in waking up every day, in fact I dread being conscious even. I absolutely hate that life is like a subscription on auto-renewal and you have to go through a giant hassle of cancelling.

 

[Maormer]

Even at the happiest point of my life I didn't particularly want to keep living. Abd that's not to say I wasn't genuinely happy then. I felt great, but I just would not have been bothered if I was told I would die soon. I think it's something that once you lose it it becomes hard to get back. I'm not sure you need it to be happy tho. Maybe you just need it to be happy for the long term. Idk I'm at a weird place with it.

 

[s54321]

I was always very bored and felt bad as a young kid. With about 6years in first year of school, when i realized that u have to do school & work for almost the rest of your life i got my first suicide toughts (even tho i didnt get bullied, had many friends and a "good" time in school). I dont understand how other people have the will to live. In medschool i met patients over 100 years old that werent able to do anything anymore, like not even really watch TV (or even use the toilet on their own) .. but almost all seem enjoyed when being talked to while being examined and they still seemed happy enough with a big will to live - and i dont get it.. how?

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I never had any of the goals or thoughts about life that normal people have. I always hated it. I dont want a relationship, I dont want a job...I barely even want to watch movies or play games anymore. Everything feels worthless, like a nightmare.

 

[excinephile]

I certainly have been a pessimist early on, that made me actively state that I never want to have children to my parents and I was terrible at adjusting to the normal challenges of school and everyday life. But I was never suicidal and kind of believed that life can turn out positive after all for me. What a foolish error.

 

[depthss]

yeah i relate fully. ive been suicidal for just about my entire life, and ive never had any will/desire to live. i dont even really have a survival instinct either.