Discussion Does anyone else have this horrible fear of turning into your parents?

[thelittleprincess]

I'll go first: my parents aren't inherently bad people, I'm tempted to say they never hit me and my siblings but that'd technically be a lie since I personally count spanking as abuse. And they definitely hit my oldest sister before she ran away. Besides that though, I don't know if this is emotional abuse or something, but I've always been horribly afraid of my dad. He acts so sweet sometimes but he gets pissed off so easily, and he gets so loud and angry and takes it out on everyone around him. There have been so so many times when I've had to grab my younger two siblings and hide them in my room while my dad screams at my mom. Most of the time it's not even her fault, he's just blowing things out of proportion. REALLY wish they'd just get divorced but he's a pastor and in their religion he would have to stop being one if he was divorced, so.
I still live with my parents since I owe them some money, so this is still an issue. I see everyone tense up when he enters the room so I know it's not just me. But the worst part of it is, I see so much of him in me. It's like he's in my veins. I'm pissed and I look in the mirror, it's him looking back at me. I yell at my siblings, I hear his voice. I've sworn to myself that I will always apologize after yelling, no matter what, and so far I've been able to follow through but I know that doesn't erase the effects of getting loud. So I try to avoid it overall. But it's seriously an issue. I have such a short temper and I genuinely hate myself for it. One time I flicked my nephew, hard, because he kept eating the cat food and it was pissing me off. The shame I felt afterwards was so consuming, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He immediately started crying and no one found out why. He wasn't even a year old. It still eats me alive when I think about it.
Does anyone else feel this way about their parents and/or see it affect you in your everyday life? I'm very interested to hear about others' experiences.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Your post is relatable.

I do not think that my parents are "bad" people, just like your own parents, but they have certain personality traits and behaviors which cause issues, and make it difficult for me to interact with them. This also contributes to me feeling trapped and unhappy.

I know that this post likely reads as being vague, and this is because I feel awful saying too much about my parents behind their back (even though they sometimes do the same), but there is no other choice since talking to them directly might lead to an argument.

 

[noname223]

I'll go first: my parents aren't inherently bad people, I'm tempted to say they never hit me and my siblings but that'd technically be a lie since I personally count spanking as abuse. And they definitely hit my oldest sister before she ran away. Besides that though, I don't know if this is emotional abuse or something, but I've always been horribly afraid of my dad. He acts so sweet sometimes but he gets pissed off so easily, and he gets so loud and angry and takes it out on everyone around him. There have been so so many times when I've had to grab my younger two siblings and hide them in my room while my dad screams at my mom. Most of the time it's not even her fault, he's just blowing things out of proportion. REALLY wish they'd just get divorced but he's a pastor and in their religion he would have to stop being one if he was divorced, so.
I still live with my parents since I owe them some money, so this is still an issue. I see everyone tense up when he enters the room so I know it's not just me. But the worst part of it is, I see so much of him in me. It's like he's in my veins. I'm pissed and I look in the mirror, it's him looking back at me. I yell at my siblings, I hear his voice. I've sworn to myself that I will always apologize after yelling, no matter what, and so far I've been able to follow through but I know that doesn't erase the effects of getting loud. So I try to avoid it overall. But it's seriously an issue. I have such a short temper and I genuinely hate myself for it. One time I flicked my nephew, hard, because he kept eating the cat food and it was pissing me off. The shame I felt afterwards was so consuming, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He immediately started crying and no one found out why. He wasn't even a year old. It still eats me alive when I think about it.
Does anyone else feel this way about their parents and/or see it affect you in your everyday life? I'm very interested to hear about others' experiences.

I think my dad is pretty ignorant and I think I am ignorant too. But in a different way.

My mom abused the shit out of me as child and teenager. But honestly if I had children I would fuck it up way more.
I feel like I don't feel genuine love to anything. Maybe it is the medication I am taking. In some way I love my friends. But I am very emotionally distant to my whole family after what happened to me in my life. And with my friends. I think my friends help me way more than I help them. They are extremely good people and they mean the world to me. They can text me any time and I will be pretty fast in responding to them. I invest more emotional birthday cards in order to show them how much they mean to me.

When I think about becoming like my parents, I imagine me becoming a dad. And I would suck in that. I would probably be similar to my own dad. I think I would emotionally neglect my children. I barely can survivie on my own. If I had children, this would be a catastrophe. My mom would probably have to look after them. And well she isn't good in that. She acted like a psychopath when I was a child.

It is hard to fuck it up more than my own parents when raising kids. But I would fuck it up for sure. I think I would raise them anti-drugs. Which would make it likely that they actually take drugs. And oh well psychosis is common in my family...

 

[WeepingWorm]

I already turned into the worst possible version of myself, there's nothing left to fear. Aside from disability, but that too might happen.

 

[FoxSauce]

Yes all the time but I do belive you learn ehat you see at home. Very much so

 

[heywey]

This thread reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite movies, The Holdovers. Would highly recommend it. Link to the scene below, big spoilers, only open if you're really not gonna watch the movie (or you've seen it and want to see that dinner scene again).

Spoiler: The Holdovers

My dad didn't do anything really terrible growing up. He never hit me or my sister, only raised his voice a handful of times. On the surface he's easygoing and seems pretty nice. But he is toxic as hell. Every friendship he's had ended on bad terms, every job he's had he's quit or been fired on bad terms within ~six months, his brothers and sisters barely speak to him. I don't either, my sister only on holidays. Nowadays he stays locked up alone in his house spiraling ever further down alt-right and conspiracy theory holes.

It's hard to say exactly what it is; the only way I can think to describe it is that he has zero respect for other people, and nothing but respect for himself. Narcissism I suppose, but who even knows what that means any more. I'll just say that it feels gross when I see parts of him reflected in myself. Even the not overtly bad parts.

But, the thing I try to remember is that the upbringing that made our parents is not the same as the upbringing that made us. My parents aren't my grandparents. I am not my parents. Case in point, my dad's dad was physically and verbally abusive, his mom was neglectful and absent. And all my dad's faults, he never let himself hurt me in the way his parents hurt him. He found new ways to be terrible, yes, but those are on him, as was his choice to leave behind the terrible things his parents did to him, for which I am thankful.

Everyone's parents leave scars, but it's up to us to take what we want from them and leave behind the pieces we don't. If it takes effort, that's not a failure, and that doesn't mean we're destined to become them. It means we have a painfully clear picture of what lies at the end of the paths our parents went down. And though drifting in those directions to some extent is unavoidable, I think, with the clarity scars give us, we'll always make the choice to turn around and do better before we get too far.