does anyone else feel suicidal even when they’re happy?

[offbalance]

It's the strangest thing I'll have the right mix of dopamine and serotonin and by all measures I have an okay life. But I'm still suicidal. I think that proves it's more than just a chemical imbalance, it's stuff that's wrong with the external world.

 

[LastNite]

Yeh same here. Being happy doesnt really mean your problems are gone. You can be hooked on a machine that pumps you full of happy feelings everyday and youll still feel suicidal because your problems still exist. Nothing has changed.

 

[LackOfDetermination]

tbh, being happy makes it worse for me, because anytime I am, i keep thinking about how it's just the calm before the storm, the gap between two hells, that at any moment something could happen to tear it away.
There's also always a little voice in the back of my head telling me that small, momentary happiness isn't worth the time it takes up, or that I'm not enjoying it enough.

 

[jazzcat621]

I could be completely happy and content and still be thinking about suicide. Its just the natural state of my mind at this point.

 

[whybother2002]

This will sound try-hard but I genuinely can't remember the last time I was happy

 

[divinemistress87]

I rarely feel happy but even the rare times I am I know it will be temporary and its just a boost of dopamine . So ya even then I feel suicidal. I think in some ways it would be easier to ctb when happy cause one has the energy to plan

 

[lurk]

Dopaminemaxxing until I'm dead and buried.

 

[Mira Gaga]

Idk, sometimes, when something goes right in my life and everything suddenly just clicks perfectly, I'm like, this would be a great spot to just end things on a high note. Then some little thing sets me off and chain reaction leads to shit hitting the fan and my life crashing and burning in front of my eyes.

 

[_Gollum_]

Yes, there is not a day that goes by where I don't think about suicide, no matter how good or bad it was, because the root of my suicidality is the mere fact of being alive. It is not tied to my circumstances. I don't quite know how to describe it, but I often feel this "discomfort," uneasiness, with living and breathing in a human body.

 

[broken serenity]

Tell me about it; my body is a prison. im just decorating and maintaining it until I can get the full uninstall.

 

[ringo99]

Happiness feels anomalous to me. When I watch or read something funny, I react by laughing or chuckling but I'm always left thinking afterwards, "That's weird". It's as though I become an outside observer to my own body in that instant. I'm beyond saving

 

[microwaved_dawg]

It's the strangest thing I'll have the right mix of dopamine and serotonin and by all measures I have an okay life. But I'm still suicidal. I think that proves it's more than just a chemical imbalance, it's stuff that's wrong with the external world.

Some guy on the recovery forum described it as a "pandora box", once you think about it, it will never escape your mind. I feel like that is true on so many levels.

tbh, being happy makes it worse for me, because anytime I am, i keep thinking about how it's just the calm before the storm, the gap between two hells, that at any moment something could happen to tear it away.
There's also always a little voice in the back of my head telling me that small, momentary happiness isn't worth the time it takes up, or that I'm not enjoying it enough.

Tends to happen to me a lot, I always get paranoid because it seems like the happier I am in a moment the lower I will fall the next. I hate it because it makes it imposible to savor the good (although brief) moments.

 

[searom]

yes, but suicidal jokes get the best of me

 

[Ladyybugged]

yes.

 

[lunar02102009]

It's the strangest thing I'll have the right mix of dopamine and serotonin and by all measures I have an okay life. But I'm still suicidal. I think that proves it's more than just a chemical imbalance, it's stuff that's wrong with the external world.

I highly relate with you...this is the thing most people fail to understand about many suicidal people

 

[ittinglesconstantly]

Happiness feels so empty and vain for me. Like, I think I experience it, but I never feel truly cognizant or aware during it, more like becoming numb instead of genuine joy. It doesn't wash away the pain I feel, merely washes over me. Maybe that's just what it is.

 

[Knoc]

I can't feel hapiness

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Yes. It makes me want to die in that exact moment so I can die happy and go out on a high note.

 

[heydude56]

At this point being happy or not has nothing to do with my suicidal thoughts anymore. I've already decided that I'm going to ctb no matter what

 

[Irisse]

Me. Birthdays, holidays, fun with friends, achievements... Nothing can get me away from suicide.

 

[dieingasap]

Yes, I get suicidal every now and then

 

[day]

while i've come a long way in terms of recovery i think i'll always struggle with the same thoughts the brought me here maybe just not as much as i used too. despite being likely the happiest i've been ever, i think i'm so scared of going back to actively trying to end my life that the thought is somewhat engraved into my thoughts.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I can be happy sometimes but it's only because I manage to distract myself with something — surfing the internet, going outside, talking to my bf or kinda friends, being with my cat. However, happiness fades away quickly. Long time ago I realized that I can't be happy because I keep thinking "It will end soon", "I will feel bad again" — my problems don't go away, they stay with me. So suicidal thoughts are always with me, too. They can be silent but it doesn't change anything.

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I would have brief spells of happiness, I would ask myself the question: 'Do I still want to die?' Even if the desire to die was less intense, I always answered myself that I would still be ok with dying then. It would just mean I'd go out on a high. Like others have said, just because things looked brighter in that moment, the future always looked/ looks worrying.

 

[tiredbird]

Same, I feel like I'm happy a lot of the time actually, and the past year has been a lot better than the last few, but that doesn't change the future for me, and I don't know how much I can do to change it. Even when I'm happiest it's hard not to think about the reality of the situation.

 

[eternalpace]

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop... for something to happen... so happiness is always brief and is contaminated by thoughts of something bad happening.

 

[gorewhoree]

I often feel happy and start thinking optimistically to then remember nothing will improve and I am doomed. Happiness makes me unhappy basically.