I imagine drinking the N and peacefully just falling asleep for all eternity where this existence won't even be a distant memory
Regardless of whether or not it's a fantasy, I hope that you're able to get some and obtain the peace you desire. Being able to achieve an eternal, peaceful rest despite the chaotic apathy of life sounds commendable in a sense.
Hmm... I don't think I really fantasize about it so much as.... Just maybe Trying to imagine how everything will go down and what I might do / say leading up to it. Kinda hard to really describe I guess.
Thanks for sharing this, best wishes to you in whatever may happen. -
Would it be like "scheduling"/"planning" your final moments up to your death? You have an established or preferred method, and all you have to do is figure out what you'd like to do before you CTB.
Thanks for taking to the time to read this! I didn't expect so many people to respond, but I appreciate all of them nonetheless. It makes me feel less insane in this world.
yeah, i also fantasise quite a lot about committing , it's on a daily basis but its like i fantasise every single way possible of committing lmao
It's on a daily basis? The longest I've ever fantasized about committing was a week straight. The large amount of work I have tends to interrupt these fantasies of mine.
I hope that you're able to find a method of committing that suits you best, or if you're trying to seek help, I hope that your journey of recovery is as smooth as possible.
Also, on an unrelated note, I love your pfp! NEEDY GIRL OVERDOSE is an amazing game with an interesting concept. (Personally, my favorite is the cult ending. It's fascinating to see the Angel slowly descend into insanity the more she discusses conspiracy theories.) Even its theme song, INTERNET OVERDOSE, is a good song! I listen to it frequently since it's somewhat relatable and gives off ME!ME!ME! vibes.
Sorry for going on a tangent, I don't get a chance to talk about these things often with people since I'm seen as weird for doing so.
I fantasize about it arguably more than I actually plan it. Kind of backwards from what it should be if I really wanna go through with it. Fantasies, not just about CTB, brings me comfort. It is a coping mechanism and form of escapism I use to avoid reality.
It's the same for me, to be honest. I have no actual plan that I will go through despite the amount of times I've pictured specific methods and scenarios I could CTB. Like you said, I think it's just about how it's a form of escapism. It would certainly explain why I'm obsessed with certain games.
i fantasise a lot about both my death and suicide, kind of similarly to you, when im distressed or ive done something unbearably embarrassing. my most common one is i imagine roughly ten hand guns pointed at my head, kind of suspended in a circle around my head if that makes sense. sometimes its just that, but sometimes they all go off and i see my head just explode lol. other than that its just any and every kind of way i could die in the situation im in at that moment (if im walking along a road i walk into the road and get hit by an eight wheeler, im in a shop and find a box cutter and slit my throat etc.) all very impractical or unreliable ways of dying, but for some reason its calming to me to imagine me dying. i also fantasise about deep cuts on my body and being so thin i look like a skeleton. ig its just a way of escaping reality for a bit.
A ring of guns around your head… I know there's probably no deeper meaning behind it, but the literary nerd within me wants to explore the symbolism of a halo of
guns rather than light. Regardless, it's a very interesting sight to imagine.
I tend to imagine spears surrounding me instead of guns that pierce every inch of my flesh. Picturing the spray of blood on initial penetration before my blood slowly flows/drips down to the earth below me is soothing to me.
Picturing every way to die based on your surroundings is extremely relatable lol. I'd like to think everyone does that at some point in their life whether it be intentional or not.
I rehearse my attempt. I do dry firing exercises. In addition, I turn out all of the lights, and just lay with my eyes closed. I block out all the sound around me. I imagine what it is going to feel like to die. To feel myself die. I wonder what it will be like to shut down. What it will feel like. I'm not afraid, because it is an eventuality of life anyway. I angle my gun, so that I'm aiming at my brain stem. I visualize the gunshot and the initial shock of it. I'm confident in my coming attempt, and can't wait to leave this world.
Wow, you're very dedicated! Your ability to bypass your SI and ensure your attempt doesn't fail (and even familiarizing yourself with the consequences of said attempt) is extremely admirable too!
Hopefully, your attempt will succeed, but with the steps you're taking, I'm also confident that you'll achieve your wish to leave this world.
I fantasise gruesome ways to ctb but only seriously consider painless or near painless ways to ctb
That's understandable! Practically speaking, N is most likely the best way to CTB, but in one's own fantasy, there's no harm or shame in imagining an extremely detailed scenario of one's death.
For over a decade. Too bad the transition from fantasy to reality is so difficult...
Maybe, with technology and increasing apathy towards each other, that transition will eventually become easier.
Whenever I reach a certain level of depression that I'm sort of numb and just going through the motions to get through the day it's almost unconscious. I find myself just unconsciously staring at the ceiling of wherever I'm at, imagining my body there dead from hanging, or like I'm at the side of the street, waiting for the crosswalk lights to change but I find myself just fantasizing running onto incoming traffic. It's ridiculous I know, especially since those are not my primary methods.
There's also the common fanstasy/ futile wish I have of just going to sleep and never waking up.
I wouldn't call it ridiculous. There's nothing absurd about indulging oneself mentally. Plus, you're not alone in imagining yourself hanging from the ceiling or running into traffic. If anything, I'd consider it quite normal!
