Discussion does anybody else like being depressed

[marksofdespair]

At times I feel kind of proud of my depression. I like being broken and fucked in the head; it makes me who I am. I feel like I express myself through my depression with my fashion sense, my music taste, my humor, my style and interests. I've been depressed so long it's like a personality trait at this point. Sometimes, I like crying and thinking about how much I'm suffering. That I'm a horrible person; I deserve this pain since I ruined my own life. I almost want to be this way forever and never heal.

I just know that realistically, that is not a feasible option at all. I'm extremely depressed and manic, I can't stay chaotic, crazy, and unmedicated forever without having an extreme desire to commit suicide.


Of course, sometimes I have just wished I could be normal and happy like others.

 

[perishsong]

I've been depressed so long it's like a personality trait at this point.

I can relate a lot. It's embedded in the very core of who I am. It's scary to imagine life without depression and simultaneously it's an infinitely dense burden. I'm sorry for all the suffering your depression inflicted upon you.

 

[Proceed]

For a long time I used to be like this.

 

[unluckysadness]

It reminds me Harold in the movie "Harold & Maude". Great movie

 

[twistedtransistor47]

I get it. I've been depressed for so long now being depressed is almost comforting. It's like I'm scared to be happy and healthy because I don't know what it's like. I don't want to lose my "Well if it ever gets too bad I can just kill myself"

 

[somethingisntreal]

There's this twisted comfort in being depressed that I can't quite put into words.

 

[Forveleth]

Hell no. I hate being a non-functional person. Depression has stolen so much from me over the decades. It is why I harbor so much anger towards my parents who did absolutely nothing to get me help when I told them I was suicidal as a teen and very obviously had problems. I could have had such a good life.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Depression to me feels like a monster that is always following you and it just waits for the best moment in which you're the most vulnerable and then it'll attack you. Its evil and a torture. Depression makes the same walking route for you 1000x more difficult than it'd be for a healthy person

 

[U. A.]

Do you like being depressed? It doesn't really sound like it from the actual post.

 

[kuroshimi]

I guess at some point you get used to it.
As far as I can remember, I have always been depressed. It seems like it's just a part of who am I.

 

[Delusion]

I only like being depressed when I'm lethargic and bedrotting. Trying to function outside of that isn't fun.

 

[Gangrel]

i'm just so used to it that not being depressed feels alien to me

 

[cakedog]

I think my loneliness is a huge core of my personality and like you it makes me who i am
but the reason i'm ctb isn't because of that kind of depression you know like the typical shut-in neet who oversleeps, eats ramen and watches anime all day
it's more of a nausea or very uncomfortable feeling that i really want to get rid of

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

Yes, in a weird way I feel like being cynical gives me a cool, sorta "realist" perspective, and in a way disappointed less often than happy people. If you expect the worst, and are not accustomed to joy and happiness, then it's less of a disturbance when life is hard. Whereas if you're a happy optimistic person, the inevitable awfulness of life must hit them like a real rollercoaster. No joy, no misery. If you are a happy person with a "great" life, that basically entails the suckiness of losing all that, which is inevitable. So that's a kind of suffering. At least if you embrace misery, there's no surprises, it's weirdly more satisfying because at least it's stable and you can rest in that, weirdly.

Sorta like this quote: "In their quest for happiness, people mistake excitement of the mind for real happiness." - Sayadaw U Pandita.

So maybe in a strange way, a depressed person's life could have less suffering (i.e. push and pull/conflict/anticipation/disappointment) than a person with a seemingly "great" life.

That all being said, my life, in objective terms is pretty crappy in many ways, and I'm definitely missing out on a lot of stuff. Many people literally look at my life and think of it as so low as to consider practically as good as dead, to them. But you never know what goes on in the mind of any other, and you can never compare. Dead to you, alive to me. But yeah I wish I could just be happy.

 

[fungus]

At times I feel kind of proud of my depression. I like being broken and fucked in the head; it makes me who I am. I feel like I express myself through my depression with my fashion sense, my music taste, my humor, my style and interests. I've been depressed so long it's like a personality trait at this point. Sometimes, I like crying and thinking about how much I'm suffering. That I'm a horrible person; I deserve this pain since I ruined my own life. I almost want to be this way forever and never heal.

I just know that realistically, that is not a feasible option at all. I'm extremely depressed and manic, I can't stay chaotic, crazy, and unmedicated forever without having an extreme desire to commit suicide.


Of course, sometimes I have just wished I could be normal and happy like others.

I can really relate to that.
I am just way more used to being depressed so it feels more comfortable and I would not even know who I am outside of depression.
Like you said, it becomes a part of the personality. It is also what others mostly see and comment on.
And it is also what even if I try really hard to change always comes back.

And I like it. At least in a lot of moments. Of course suffering is uncomfortable, but I find some way of relieve in the suffering. In the thought of making things even worse. I prefer me being in a fucked up state then just feeling okey, without feeling actually amazing.

I think having this strong emotions, even when they are negativ, feels better then having just shallow positiv feelings or feeling nothing at all.
And in some way emotional pain can feel good/addicting to me.

I still try to get better, but living happy just doesn't seem to do it. I don't get anything out of trying to have normal connections, do normal hobbies etc. At least in the long run.

And the fact that I have to hide my depression in my dayly life is absolut exhausting. Probaly feels even worse then the depression itself. So being allowed to be depressed and actualy act like that would be a relief and even if it ends in ctb, I prefer it over the constant act of fighting my depression.

But I could never tell that someone outside of this Forum lol. They would either thing I am edgy (maybe I am) or just that I am dumb.

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

I feel like for me it's less like I enjoy being depressed, and more like I'm scared to get better.

Like you mentioned, being depressed feels like a core part of who I am, so who am I without it?
And if I get better, it feels like it would invalidate the years of suffering. It feels like if I managed to get better now, it was my own fault for not doing so sooner.
I also like sending myself down the spiral and making myself cry with thoughts about how worthless and awful I am. Those spirals are awful, and while I know I could probably stop it, I never do.

Every action towards "the right direction" seems to undermine and invalidate who and what I am.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Being depressed is a logical response to this horrible existence. I wouldn't want to not be depressed because being ok with all this suffering would just be a delusion. So I don't really enjoy being depressed, but it's what I accept while I'm alive.

 

[LetMeOut67]

I understand what you mean.
I'd accept some depression as a consequence of not being an unaware idiot with shallow boring meaningless interests but as we know at its worst depression is a terrifying thing.

 

[Kazu Ha]

I feel like I express myself through my depression with my fashion sense, my music taste, my humor, my style and interests.

I feel that, and I kind of like it a bit.
As I became more and more depressed, I started wearing darker clothes and accessories like necklaces and rings, and honestly? I like it. It's like I've found my "style" that suits me.

I've been depressed since my teens and have always tended to hide myself away.
I couldn't imagine being able to lead a completely normal life. Somehow, that sounds totally boring to me.

But a few less mental problems would be nice, because just suffering and being lonely is pretty meh...

 

[PI3.14]

Not me tbh. Being depressed ruined my life, even if it was a response to trauma and circumstances but it still ruined my life completely.

 

[EternallyCold]

Not me tbh. Being depressed ruined my life, even if it was a response to trauma and circumstances but it still ruined my life completely.

I get it. Depression has taken everything away from me too

 

[Oreki]

Honestly, no. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

 

[badatparties]

No