Discussion Do you still care?

[Warlord's Pulse]

I admit it's an unclear and ambiguous title, so a brief explanation:
It's somewhat expected that, after you already decided to CTB, you won't be bothered by anything, like, if something goes wrong in your work, someone says something that triggers you, or if you let something drop etc.
Today I TILTED SO BADLY over a mistake I commited in my work, it was not even a big deal, but I'm not exactly kind to myself.
At this point, I'm basically sure that I'll die next year, but still, I can't go over my angry nature.
Do you relate?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Absolutely. I am amazed at how seriously I still take life, despite the fact that I am almost positive that will not live to see 2026.

 

[pariah80]

No, honestly. Why would I? I'm about to leave. None of this matters anymore. It's actually kind of fun and relieving. I'm more in the moment.

 

[avoid]

One of the reasons I quit my job was (stress from) my anxiety/fear of making mistakes in the eyes of others. I stopped caring for any mistakes I made during my 4-week resignation period. I still experienced some stress due to staff shortages but no more anxiety. Before my resignation, when I considered leaving for several months, problem situation still imbued me with anxiety: did I forget something, did I say something wrong, and did I make an error? This all went away when I took the steps to quit.

I imagine the same would happen if I decide to die. Contemplating when and how I would die is not the same as actively preparing and following through without procrastination. Though it's about my state of mind, not my actions. If I still forsee an outcome not ending in my death, however remote these thoughts are, then I would not be able to let go of my life. I would stop caring only when I let go of any hope of turning my life around, at which point I see no reason in postponing any actions to end it all.

You write that you're basically sure you'll die next year, but the word basically suggests that you still have an inkling of hope. Somewhere there's a door ajar: ready to be opened or closed. Most would say this is good because you still hold hope of turning your life around at some point. Caring shows that something or someone is important to you. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But I can't expect everyone to experience thoughts and feelings the same way as I do. Maybe some people will care about themselves, their actions and their life to the very end. I'm sure that there are people would choose death with the thought of hoping to live if only their life had turned out differently.

 

[Abyssal]

My mother put it well in saying that depression is not the same for everyone. Hers came in the form of anger, mine is best described as sadness, and many a person experience a lack of any emotion at all.

Personally, I still care. Maybe it's because I delude myself into not believing I'll really die. Seems unreal.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

you still have an inkling of hope

I would imagine it's more of an inability to overcome SI then inkling of hope. At least that's the case for me.

 

[SpaceInvader]

even though i plan to ctb next month, i still blame myself for every lil mistake i make. it looks like only ceasing to exist can stop me from feeling intense shame and guilt.

 

[nomoredolor]

I over stress about everything lol. Plans to
ctb have eased some things here and there but overall I'm still my same anxious self.
Anna

 

[folly_]

care both too much and not at all... dont care enough to text my friends anymore but care enough to lie in bed all day thinking about them instead. feel guilty for everything i do but i dont try to change

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I care but that's because I'm struggling to see a way out of here so unfortunately I'm forced to go through existence

 

[Privateer2368]

Yes, very much.
I don't want my life to end like this. I want to be happy. I'm constantly looking for reasons to stay.

There just aren't any.

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

care both too much and not at all... dont care enough to text my friends anymore but care enough to lie in bed all day thinking about them instead. feel guilty for everything i do but i dont try to change

holy hell very relatable, the "I don't text my friends but still think about'em and kinda want them to text me first" is a constant vibe for me

 

[Zanmato]

Yeah, it happened to me, on Sunday.
I had to work, there was a lot of customers and after a while anxiety grew up because of it, and I couldn't concentrate anymore.
When the crowd was over, I was nervous because of this.
To calm down, I kinda self harmed on my arm.
Not a big deal, but... Yeah.
Damn.
It was the first time that I did that outside my home.