Discussion Do you ever think about what could have happened the first time you almost attempted or failed to at

[willowtrees0]

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for about 3 years. It hasnt been as long as some people and honestly I have so much respect for people that deal with it for so much longer because I have a weaker mind and am already loosing my battle fast.

On to my story: I wish I would've gone through with it when I first attempted it. I decided to end everything when i lost my job. it pushed me over the edge. I wrote out my suicide note. put a note on the spare room door telling my boyfriend that I was dead and to call the cops and not to come in and I hung myself from the door knob. I wanted to die from asphyxiation (i think thats the word) and not from choking so I only took one foot off of the stool and as I listened to my fav playlist I started fading out my head was pounding and my vision started to get blurry.

something came over me and I stopped. I put on some full covarge makeup to cover the mark and I pretended like nothing happened. Maybe I was scared of what was after death. maybe i thought i was acting on impulse and things would get better

I regret it so much. I wish I wouldve took my other foot off that stool. I was around 30 seconds from going to sleep and never waking up. I didnt know the statistics. I didnt know the risks back then. I didnt do the research. I just was acting on impulse and all I knew in that moment was that I didnt want to be here anymore. Now looking back things got so much worse and I still plan to end my suffering but it seems so much harder than it was that first time.

My question: do you ever wish that first time you thought about suicide, the first time you felt you were truly ready to end everything, the first time you tried it, that you would've gone through with it?

 

[Schopenhauer]

My question: do you ever wish that first time you thought about suicide, the first time you felt you were truly ready to end everything, the first time you tried it, that you would've gone through with it?

I wish I'd succeeded.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Yeah, would have saved 20 more years of false hope.

 

[samsays89]

That must have been intense. The survival instinct is strong; I couldn't hang myself when I first tried either.

I don't regret failing though, my first suicide note was garbage. Now I have a chance to at least try to make it better.

Part of me does wish I had succeeded, but so far I know I'll get another chance and this time I'll do it another way.

 

[Sayo]

I did, I just wish I had had a clue what I was doing.

 

[Roph]

I could have had my peace by now.

 

[Lra888]

Wish it worked honestly. There were times I was happy that it didn't but now I've experienced how truly horrible life can get.

 

[IG959]

I wish it had worked, would have saved me a lot of heartbreak

 

[VincentValentine]

Yes.

Also, this is wishful thinking, but if I would've done it in the past the first time I felt it, it may have had a bad impact on those that hurt me. Even if it was just a little bit of shame and blame there way for a brief moment it would've been worth it. But now, it's too late to have that impact on them.

 

[dctb]

absolutely

i was 10 or 11, tried to also do it by hanging, but being a child i didn't understand the mechanics (i haven't done any research before, probably for many reasons, it was also 17-18 years ago, the internet wasn't what it is now) i remember that it was so uncomfortable that i somehow helped myself out of the "noose" (i put it in quotation marks as it was just a knot i figured out through trial and error lol)

since then i tried to repeat it at least a few times with, obviously, same results, end of summer was always the hardest, i never wanted to go back to school, at some point it really started ruining my grades, but nobody ever knew and nobody ever cared, even though among my family it was only my parents that were this neglectful and abusive (my mother was mainly neglectful and not that physical, my father was a piece of shit and beat all of us including my mother, by now we know that he's a sociopath (diagnosed during one of a few trials, we never got justice but at least we learned this)) i swear none of my mother's and father's siblings' families were ever even close to being this fucked up. so yeah, i wish i didn't grew up to see just how much me and my siblings were abused and how nobody didn't really care and do anything to help us when we were kids.

to back this up: my sister ctb at 21 (i was 17 then) using the method i told her about (yew poisoning, learned about it from a science magazine, haven't seen anybody trying to sue THEM, lol) (i hoped she'd help me source it or we'd do it together, but i guess she acted on strong emotions that fateful day, didn't even left a note, the audacity of my father to try to blame me for this back then... disgusting (nobody from my family ever learned that yew was originally my idea)) and my brother never wants to marry to not repeat our parents mistakes (even tho he has a long term girlfriend and they had a allegedly planned baby recently... yea, i don't understand this mental gymnastics) and i am so scared of people i will die a virgin at 28 ))))

so yes, i absolutely wish i had died all those years ago and spared myself of the agony and shame of being a dysfunctional human being

 

[hananover]

Yeah, if my first attempt worked, my body wouldn't be in the condition it is now. I can only imagine how peaceful that would be.

 

[crimsonpool]

yes, the first time i was ready to do it was 5 years ago when i thought my life couldn't get any worse and i was truly in hell; i had a knife and i was gonna stab myself, i fully intended on doing it and i wasn't scared but then my grandma came home right when i was pointing the knife at myself so i panicked and put it back and couldn't work up the courage again... then things did get better for only a short time and got unimaginably worse after that, it wasnt worth the good parts i wish i hadn't chickened out at the last minute because then i wouldn't have had to go through so much for no reason. it really feels like i missed my chance because i haven't had the courage since