Venting Didn’t Kill Myself?

[3FailedAttemptss]

My mom brought me out of the psych ward today to a shopping center and when we were on the top floor I suddenly had serious suicidal thoughts about jumping >w< (building was 5 or so stories tall). I had to really struggle not to act on my impulses T-T - I clenched my hands so hard that I got alot alot of marks in the palm from my nails and I had to repeat to myself over and over "no no no no we're gonna use sodium nitrite..." It just confuses me that I did not act on it. Part of me thinks "why didn't I just jump?" And it makes me question if I'm even suicidal. I dont know, now I just lament the fact that Im still alive QwQ

Im just writing this cause I don't know what to think and I feel like a poser for not jumping. I dont think I wanna live , I just wanna do things right (SN) and it's weird that I would've died if I lost control to my manic side.

 

[getoutgirl]

Yeah literally me half the times I took the metro. Some I had to turn n face the wall and stand there all blair witch weirdo, in my case reminding myself I couldn't jump cos of guilt and hurting people but yyyyyeah I feel u
I'm glad you didn't do it tho, even if you are struggling with that decision.
And if you need to hear it, yeah you Are fukin suicidal. Here is a certificate. I think in your case it's as objective as it gets, sadly :(
again sorry you have to put up with so much. Big hug <3

 

[joshardy]

5 stories is probably not high enough to CTB, just hurt a fuck ton, I get why you would want to wait for SN it seems like a much better way to go.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

My mom brought me out of the psych ward today to a shopping center and when we were on the top floor I suddenly had serious suicidal thoughts about jumping >w< (building was 5 or so stories tall). I had to really struggle not to act on my impulses T-T - I clenched my hands so hard that I got alot alot of marks in the palm from my nails and I had to repeat to myself over and over "no no no no we're gonna use sodium nitrite..." It just confuses me that I did not act on it. Part of me thinks "why didn't I just jump?" And it makes me question if I'm even suicidal. I dont know, now I just lament the fact that Im still alive QwQ

Im just writing this cause I don't know what to think and I feel like a poser for not jumping. I dont think I wanna live , I just wanna do things right (SN) and it's weird that I would've died if I lost control to my manic side.

People who aren't suicidal don't have to *struggle* to resist the urge to end themselves. If you weren't "actually suicidal", it'd have been a fleeting thought instead of an urge you have to injure yourself to resist.

Though I completely agree that not jumping was the best call there -- either you fail, and/or you traumatize a bunch of strangers in public. I hope you managed to have a good time shopping even with the urges.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Yeah literally me half the times I took the metro. Some I had to turn n face the wall and stand there all blair witch weirdo, in my case reminding myself I couldn't jump cos of guilt and hurting people but yyyyyeah I feel u
I'm glad you didn't do it tho, even if you are struggling with that decision.
And if you need to hear it, yeah you Are fukin suicidal. Here is a certificate. I think in your case it's as objective as it gets, sadly :(
again sorry you have to put up with so much. Big hug <3

People who aren't suicidal don't have to *struggle* to resist the urge to end themselves. If you weren't "actually suicidal", it'd have been a fleeting thought instead of an urge you have to injure yourself to resist.

Though I completely agree that not jumping was the best call there -- either you fail, and/or you traumatize a bunch of strangers in public. I hope you managed to have a good time shopping even with the urges.

Thank you both, really. It's fucked up, but I Just doubt myself so much and it just feels like such a contradictory experience to fight to stay alive when that's like so the opposite of what I thought I would do. It's just I think I was fighting more between the hope of sodium nitrite and trying to resist the suboptimal method that wasn't even guaranteed to kill me. But seriously, thank you for understanding.

It's fucked up but my schizo brain makes it really hard for me to believe my own experiences are valid, even when professionals and documentation confirm they are which subsequently makes me feel like an attention whore.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

You're definitely not a poser. What you felt was real, and it takes a lot of strength to hold yourself back like that. I'm honestly glad you're still here because 5 stories most likely wouldn't have killed you. If you ever feel like talking to another suicidal trans woman , I'm here for you.