diary vent

[KenDuh]

I make this thread to vent once in a while, and have it all here in the same place, feel free to answer or whatever

Everyday feels the same, i never know what to do, why to eat or do anything, I just follow the routine. I feel like I got no one to talk to, nobody wants to hears me complain (understandable), I'm in a chamber all alone, sometimes trying to sleep, sometimes trying to rest, just waiting for thing to get better, but I've been waiting for years and no change, I just do what the doctors told me, take my meds, and wait alone for my body to rotten, I just want this to stop

 

[KenDuh]

I just feel alone, I have confided in friends and they have asked me not to, saying it was too much for them. I am currently suffering from severe depression and nothing seems to motivate me. I try to talk to people but I don't know how or what to say. Every day I feel alone, I can't talk to my friends and I am unable to communicate with anyone else because deep down I don't even care about what to say.

 

[CapitánBeto]

It's very difficult when you don't have anyone to rely on.
If mental illness is too much for your friends I think you'll need to find people who you can talk to.
Group therapy has helped me a great deal. If you google, you'll find various online resources. I use HeyPeers.

 

[KenDuh]

Now my cat is really sick. I really love him, but I don't have the motivation to take really good care of him. Thankfully, there is my mother. I just feel bad, he was hospitalised and I really miss him. I feel like I have a thousand problems on my hands, and I try and try to get better, but got nothing. I really wish I wasn't that afraid of death. I don't know what to do or who to talk to, I feel like drowning.

 

[KenDuh]

I don't know what to do at all, play a videogame, watch a movie, meditate, exercise, eat. I don't know what to do with this life and I can't find joy in anything, I wish I could just ctb and disappear, because I don't like just staying here living a life with no meaning, I have no reason to wake up tomorrow or the day after that, I don't know what to do, and the question eats away at me inside, I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to wait anymore

 

[KenDuh]

I don't have the courage to ctb, I'm too afraid, but I think of it every time, I want this to end, once and for all, no more meds, no more waiting, no more psychologists, no more not knowing what to do with life, no more loneliness. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I just want to say goodbye to my family and my cat and not come back, but I'm too fucking afraid.

 

[KenDuh]

I want to stop feeling this way, wake up tomorrow and forget all this, but I know that everything will still be meaningless. I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one can help me. I think about ctb, but it's scary and I have too many things to prepare. I don't know what to do and it's driving me crazy. I want everything to stop. I want a cure, not meaningless appointments with the psychologist, not waiting around meditating, not nights with sleeping pills.

 

[CapitánBeto]

Sometimes listening to sad music calms me down and eases the pain.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

 

[KenDuh]

My cat Luca died yesterday, and I really don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel a huge weight on my chest, as if it hurts, and it makes me feel very lonely. I want to cry and scream. I miss him so much, and no matter what I do, I can't calm down. I want to sleep and disappear, sleep a lot, but I miss him and want him to be here with me. I don't know what to do. The day is passing very slowly, and I feel like talking to people doesn't help. I try to distract myself, but nothing works. Life already felt horrible, but now without him here, it seems unbearable. I can't get through the day. I can't go on living. I don't want to eat, sleep, or play anymore. I don't want anything anymore. I feel horrible.

 

[KenDuh]

I feel lonely. I've meditated a few times today, but I think I need to meditate a little more. I haven't really talked to anyone today, apart from a few words with my mother. Today I watched the movie that inspired us to name my cat "Luca." It's a normal movie.

It seems exaggerated to repeat that I feel lonely. If it were any different, I wouldn't be writing on this forum; I'd be with friends or something. Although I do have some friends, I don't have that kind of spark with them. Right now, I'd like to scream, to think that someone is listening to me and screaming back, someone who somehow understands me, or who I get along with, I don't know.

Today I'm going to meditate a little more. I don't know if there's a point where it becomes excessive, but I don't have anything better to do. I'm waiting to start college this Monday. I'm waiting to see if I'm going to fall apart or if I'll come out of the situation reasonably well. I'm not motivated to study, but it would be so good for me to talk to other human beings.

Once again, I feel alone. I feel it in my breathing, as if it were burning, or when I sleep, wrapped in blankets like a chrysalis, waiting for the day to end, and also fearing that it will end. I know, or I think, that tomorrow I will be alone, and I am just waiting not to be alone, and I worry that I overlooked the cure a long time ago, or worse, that I rejected it. Maybe the point is not a cure.

 

[KenDuh]

I feel overwhelmed by anxiety, and I don't know what to do. I don't like living, I don't like this world. I try, but I don't like it. I can't make myself like it. I can't feel good. I'm not enjoying doing anything. and I try, watching movies, series, playing video games, I'm trying, but I fall apart again, and I can't stand it, I have trouble sleeping, the pills make me impatient because they don't work, they don't help me, I want all this to end now, right now, but I keep waiting, day after day, and nothing changes, I just feel worse and worse and worse.