While suicide has been part of my mind just because I want to avoid a painful progression of physical ailments. I still wish to give life a shot, I've tried everything to accept human suffering.
From the christian concept of "offering" suffering and "uniting" it with the Passion of Christ (because I consider myself a christian) and recently I discovered death meditation from buddhism.
I've dreamed about my death several times, once I dreamed about dying from electricity. And most recently, I dreamed that I had access to those Assisted Suicide concotions that make you sleep. I slept in my sleep and all I experienced was peaceful darkness.
My drive to suicide is not like I ve seen here. I do want to live, in fact, this year I had progressed so much in my life, I was able to enter a university and I had great results with selling my products, So mamy projects entered my mind and I saw a future.
But in just a few days everything went downhill. Which made me depressed AGAIN. My great happy days just lasted a few months after years of depression, and now my depression is worse.
I am angry at God. I ve said it to him, why He made me felt I had a 2nd chance just for this? I am afraid, afraid that my diagnosis is bad.
I hope it is not what I suspect it is. I never asked for money in prayers, just a simple life, a boring one. I didnt mind.
So after looking for months everywhere, I stumbled upon this concept. Death Meditation. I need this to overcome my physical pain, it is said that some people developt great techniques that bodily suffering while existing, is not as bad as before. Because "everything is in their mind". I want that. I want that ability.
If I am mot able to master it, I will then choose cbt. But I want to try.
From the christian concept of "offering" suffering and "uniting" it with the Passion of Christ (because I consider myself a christian) and recently I discovered death meditation from buddhism.
I've dreamed about my death several times, once I dreamed about dying from electricity. And most recently, I dreamed that I had access to those Assisted Suicide concotions that make you sleep. I slept in my sleep and all I experienced was peaceful darkness.
My drive to suicide is not like I ve seen here. I do want to live, in fact, this year I had progressed so much in my life, I was able to enter a university and I had great results with selling my products, So mamy projects entered my mind and I saw a future.
But in just a few days everything went downhill. Which made me depressed AGAIN. My great happy days just lasted a few months after years of depression, and now my depression is worse.
I am angry at God. I ve said it to him, why He made me felt I had a 2nd chance just for this? I am afraid, afraid that my diagnosis is bad.
I hope it is not what I suspect it is. I never asked for money in prayers, just a simple life, a boring one. I didnt mind.
So after looking for months everywhere, I stumbled upon this concept. Death Meditation. I need this to overcome my physical pain, it is said that some people developt great techniques that bodily suffering while existing, is not as bad as before. Because "everything is in their mind". I want that. I want that ability.
If I am mot able to master it, I will then choose cbt. But I want to try.
