Venting Dearly Beloved

[EternalHunger]

Listening to the original soundtrack for Kingdom Hearts' Dearly Beloved made me realise how utterly lonely I really am; I already knew that I must be lonely as I had forced myself to stay alone in fear of harming others again, but I don't think I've ever truly felt it, yk? I would complain out of what felt like obligation, as though my body and mind wanting to do so without any say of how 'I' felt which was utterly nothing. In general I would watch myself freak out and act extremely depressed/emotional while ultimately feeling no real emotional to it all even while typing, but now...

I'm really alone.
So painfully alone.
I've never felt so alone in my life.
The sudden influx of emotions and memories are getting to me for the first time in so long, I'm truly destined to be alone, nothing matters. I wish I could just disappear now, and let it all be over; to just go away from all this into nonexistence, it's fucking unfair that I have to exist in any meaningful way. I'm evil, disgusting, horrible I hurt everyone I ever cared about due to my utter incompetence. The very instance I came to be was a sin to this world that was never meant for someone like me, and I spread that sin to everything I reach towards, including my ex girlfriend, my friends.... my own mother; an utter monster with no hope. I desperately wish I could live a normal life, one without trauma, childhood abuse or mental disorders and yet I can't, I can't even pretend to just move past it all, it always comes back to reap and I get progressively worse and worse; it's genuinely ironic how the idea that I might also like men while coming from a strict Christian 'household' and extremely anti-lgbtq+ area is the last worry in my mind. No amount of therapy helped, no amount of companionship helped, no amount of love helped, no amount of distractions helped, nothing absolutely nothing. I feel utterly stuck and I see no path my life could take where I could just be content with life even if I wanted to call off the CTB, and even on that point I hardly want to continue anymore in the first place I just want it all to stop. I want to stop, now. I am noticing the same patterns that eventually lead up to me hurting someone again and I am scared of that. Scared of myself. I fear me, and I wish others would be as well, if only my existence was erased in the minds of others I would find it easier to let it all go and finally find peace through death... Even on here I catch myself trying to reach out to someone I liked the small interactions with and firmly have to try to slam that down, in the first place I hardly relate to people so I'm not sure why I'm so desperate subconsciously like this.

The soundtrack just been on loop the entire time.
What a beautiful song.

 

[Surek02]

---

I want to support you, at least with words, but for some reason, I feel insincere in my concern. Maybe it's because I suppress my own feelings, or maybe because I consider myself a bad person. But this isn't about me right now.

I doubt this little bit of philosophizing will bring you any comfort, but I highly doubt that your existence, or mine, or anyone else's, is "sinful" to this world, or that the world cares in any way. Not because it's cruel or indifferent. It... just is?

It's like finding yourself in a room and doing something in it. You can clean it up, you can trash it, or you can do nothing at all. The room won't react or comment on it. It's just a room...

I'm not trying to say that your misfortune is your fault, but I don't want to blame anyone or anything for it either.

We were just unlucky, that's all.

---

Oh gods, I hope I haven't made things worse with these words. I just really don't want you to hate yourself. That's probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Hugging you, at least virtually, and I hope you'll be okay.

 

[EternalHunger]

---

I want to support you, at least with words, but for some reason, I feel insincere in my concern. Maybe it's because I suppress my own feelings, or maybe because I consider myself a bad person. But this isn't about me right now.

I doubt this little bit of philosophizing will bring you any comfort, but I highly doubt that your existence, or mine, or anyone else's, is "sinful" to this world, or that the world cares in any way. Not because it's cruel or indifferent. It... just is?

It's like finding yourself in a room and doing something in it. You can clean it up, you can trash it, or you can do nothing at all. The room won't react or comment on it. It's just a room...

I'm not trying to say that your misfortune is your fault, but I don't want to blame anyone or anything for it either.

We were just unlucky, that's all.

---

Oh gods, I hope I haven't made things worse with these words. I just really don't want you to hate yourself. That's probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Hugging you, at least virtually, and I hope you'll be okay.

I understand what you mean, even though I claim to be an atheist I just formed this deterministic view of the world based on past religious influence especially being raised by a single parent who spent the majority of my childhood admitting to me how much I've ruined her life and future just by existing, always using satanic imagery to paint me as some devil in disguise; an accident and all that even had a high likelihood to die from birth, though for some reason she kept me anyways despite the doctors' disapproving it.

It sort of just always stuck to me I suppose, I didn't even notice I framed this post that way. I really do agree with what you said when I look at others, but I struggle not framing my own issues as my fault when I generally understand that if someone else was in my place they would've done a far better job than I ever did; but it was still very comforting to get your response in general, and throughout all of the little interactions I've shared with you and posts I've seen I can tell you are nowhere near as bad as you think you are, I hope you well too. (Always wanted to say I love the Kapi pfp!!)

 

[Surek02]

who spent the majority of my childhood admitting to me how much I've ruined her life and future just by existing

This is painful to hear

To be honest, my parent has said the same things to me.

We've been through a lot between us. There were fights where we'd tear each other down, there were times it got physical, and there were also times I ran away from home...

However... I feel that my parent loves me, and that I love them too, even though all this shit makes it hard to admit sometimes. At least, I believe that.

And yet, deep down, I'm terrified of the thought that they, if not actively wishing for it, are just waiting for me to end my life sooner or later.

but I struggle not framing my own issues as my fault when I generally understand that if someone else was in my place they would've done a far better job than I ever did

I get you, it's really tough.

It's especially shitty when, as you're thinking about how not everything that happened or is happening to you is your fault, you start to hate yourself for it. As if you're an egoist who decided to pity yourself by absolving yourself of some of your own blame.

It's such self-destructive shit.

(Always wanted to say I love the Kapi pfp!!)

Aw, thanks! I love yours too