Discussion dealing with repressed rage?

[romywhite]

TLDR: Single mom made horrible choices, we have an okay relationship but I am still very hurt and angry. What do I do?

I have been extremely depressed and isolated since I was in middle school. My mom is also mentally ill due to a lot of sexual/physical abuse and neglect, which of course led her to make a lot of choices that worked out horribly in the end. She had me when she was 17 years old, so a lot of my childhood was really chaotic and unstable. It was the usual mentally ill single mother situation (revolving door of boyfriends, alcoholism, horrible boundaries etc.). There were three major boyfriends that she moved in our apartment and tried to force a family unit with, but she eventually married and had a child with an abusive pedophile. They were together for ten years and got divorced during my senior year of high school.

There is a lot to unpack from that time, but it was really horrible and isolating and impossible to describe in a way that gets the level of sheer terror across. I just remember being so desperate to get out of the situation that I was constantly trying to CTB. I think I am mature enough now to admit that some of my attempts were really more about punishing and hurting her than anything. Or like getting her to understand the gravity of the situation and snap out of it?

She's divorced and in therapy now, and is starting to realize that her decisions negatively impacted me. She poorly apologized about the whole situation multiple times, and I tell her it's okay because all of these conversations are really more about me comforting her and talking her through her feelings than about me. That's just always been our dynamic. I completely understand WHY she made these decisions (untreated mental illness, trauma, poverty), but I still get so irritated with her whenever she gets drunk and/or high and starts crying about ruining my childhood. It's like I want some kind of actual closure or atonement from her, but I also want her to shut the fuck up!!! The apologies feel cheap and whiny and are just not satisfying.... I don't know what I want from her at all.

Does anyone else have mommy issues? How do you let go of the built up resentment?

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I'm afraid I won't be able to provide much of a solution.

Maybe it's the fact that we experienced stuff like this when we were growing up and that shaped us in such way that it is really hard to undo. There's also things a parent should never do and stuff that they should never say no matter how frustrated they are.

If the lion's share of why we ended up fucked up adults is due to how our parent(s) behaved/raised us then no amount of apologies going to undo that. You may understand her, you may forgive her, you may start to like her again but yeah it doesn't going to magically undo the damage.

 

[aleaiactaest]

How do you let go of the built up resentment?

The bit that really sucks about all this is that... you kinda don't. Kinda. Not really. Not without great effort on your part, and even that may not get you all the way.

A childhood and lifetime of abuse just can't be forgiven. It shouldn't be. To Dweller's point, there are some things a parent should never do or say to their child. There are some lines that cannot be un-crossed. I know all about the cheap apologies and backhanded remarks that ultimately aren't for us, but for them. I know about all the justifications and all the guilt-ridden pleas. Been dealing with my own narcissist mom for decades now.

But ask yourself this: is getting a sincere admission out of your mom really what's best for you? Is it closure from her you want, or would her atonement just serve as a vessel for you coming to peace? I'm still not entirely sure what I want from mine either, but I have a strong idea. But I know this much: at this point, I've been the one putting in the effort. I've been the one making case upon case to justify a relationship with my mom. I've been the one clinging to a resentment that is not reciprocated in any capacity.

I realized what I probably want most from her is for her to change, to somehow undo everything so we can return to a sense of normalcy. I don't think that is ever going to happen. Unfortunately. Very unfortunately. If you want your mom to take some real accountability, that will require incredible effort on her part that she very well may not be capable of.

In a situation like that the best closure is the kind we make for ourselves. It's hard. It's very hard. The reality is that you may be angry for a long time. Maybe forever. But it can be reduced. You can still heal even if it leaves a scar. But in my experience, and in my sincere belief, the possibility of really making up with your mom should be considered a happy bonus at this point.

Maybe what you want - what you need - from her is nothing. Honestly it does seem like she really should shut the fuck up, haha. If she doesn't then shut her up in your mind. Divorce yourself from it. Accept but do not forgive. Own it and do your best to move on. If she keeps irritating you, even if you understand why, that's the first thing that needs to be addressed. Take care of yourself first. If your mom just wants to keep whining then let her whine to herself.

Or like getting her to understand the gravity of the situation and snap out of it?

Also this... man yeah I fuckin feel that. Might not be quite the same for you but part of me really does have a hero complex.

Like I just imagine myself shaking her by the shoulders and yelling until I am blue in the face trying get her to come to her senses.

It's not worth it. Put that effort into something that will make a positive difference.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I realized what I probably want most from her is for her to change, to somehow undo everything so we can return to a sense of normalcy. I don't think that is ever going to happen. Unfortunately. Very unfortunately.

Same with my dad. I kind of thought he changed as he got older, maybe gotten a bit softer. But he came up a few months ago and made the same judmental side-remark he did my entire life and I realized he is still the same..