Dealing with Pure O

[Abyss Dweller]

First things first: please I beg you if you are dealing with OCD or you think you may have a suspectable mind to it just stop reading right here and leave this post.

Typing out stuff helps however briefly so why not type things out here as well.

I have a rather long, unhealthy relation with porn. Thankfully for the past months I've been completely off of it but I wonder if the damage is done and that's it..
Through my early 'usage' I was attracted to dominant women and to this day I don't really have a problem with that.
However during this last summer I went to a dominatrix which was a threesome (rather not go into details) and it contained a single bisexual moment. Now even in that moment I felt like it was absolutely disgusting and I still shiver if it comes into my mind. Two random internet comment later on a bright Friday afternoon the thought popped into my head: "what if I'm gay?" I quickly brushed it away as ridiculous but then it continued: "think about it if you are there's nothing you can do about it".
And just like that horror and dread came over me. I felt sick and I couldn't shake these thoughts away ever since. There are better days and worse days since that day.

I was diagnosed with OCD by 2 psychiatrist and even though sexual orientation can't be diagnosed they are on the opinion that I'm heterosexual. I'm also seeing a sexual pyschologist who shares this opinion. I also strongly believe it.

I told my older sister, I told my dad, both of them had perfect reactions. Told 2 of my close friends, same thing, very good reactions.
But it doesn't really seem to help.

Unfortunately during some days on december I had these 'episodes' where I freaked out about it really badly and the only thing I could think of is that if after all of this it turns out that I'm gay I'll kill myself in that instant. I don't care if I'm not living in Afganistan, I don't care who would accept and who wouldn't. I simply refuse to live that existence.

We talked about this with the sexual pyschologist and it's not hidden homophobia and I don't think it is a defence mechanism so I don't try to get a girlfriend. My best guess is that I was blessed with a mind that is really suspectable to OCD and it managed to find something I have no control over.

I also had health related similar fears like I feared I lost some of my hearing so for a while I was checking my hearing once or twice a day to make sure. During my early 20s I had IBS like symptoms (let's just say it was purely psychological) and even then the worst thing wasn't the physical symptoms but my constant fear surronding it. "What if I shit myself during this train ride." Very fun way to live let me tell you.

I heard in an interview that pure O may latch itself on something that you hold dear or is close to you. I always liked being a heterosexual male and I still do. I always liked women's butts a lot and still do. So maybe that is why this was chosen by my brain. Or that it is simply something I can't control and that is terrifying enough itself.. I know at least with the health related stuff if I get checked out I do calm down. With this I think I know that it is simply not something that can be diagnosed and as a result a mental health professional telling me that I'm heterosexual is not enough. Though it is still a lot better than if they told me the opposite.

I simply can't answer you why the thought of what if I'm gay terrifies me this much. I just can't answer it. I don't know.

If by some chance someone read this absolute madness.. I don't know.. thank you.. and whatever you are dealing with however little it matters please know that a random stranger on the internet trully wishes you the best.

 

[timf]

Your description of interest in a dominatrix and dealing with the idea that you might be gay may both be ways to self-harm similar to a teenage girl cutting herself. Playing with ideation can be risky because some loose their connection to reality. If you come to associate these thoughts with sexual attraction it can make things more difficult to sort out and the likelihood of a stable romantic relationship less likely.

People can become addicted to many different things. Alcohol and drugs are most common, but mental constructs and ideation can also be used to self-stimulate and a dependence can grow to addictive proportions.

This can be made more difficult with OCD. I think some people have found a degree of benefit using the supplement Inostitol. I have not looked into it much other than to see it is not considered dangerous but the daily amount seemed high. I think it used to be called vitamin B8.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Your description of interest in a dominatrix and dealing with the idea that you might be gay may both be ways to self-harm similar to a teenage girl cutting herself. Playing with ideation can be risky because some loose their connection to reality. If you come to associate these thoughts with sexual attraction it can make things more difficult to sort out and the likelihood of a stable romantic relationship less likely.

People can become addicted to many different things. Alcohol and drugs are most common, but mental constructs and ideation can also be used to self-stimulate and a dependence can grow to addictive proportions.

This can be made more difficult with OCD. I think some people have found a degree of benefit using the supplement Inostitol. I have not looked into it much other than to see it is not considered dangerous but the daily amount seemed high. I think it used to be called vitamin B8.

Well I was cutting myself in high school so I guess not much changed in ~16 years..

Luckily I don't associate the thoughts with anything or at least I try to. So far the most helpful way to go about this for me was to accept that I have random idiotic thoughts and that's it. It will go away when it wants to go away. If it is a year it is a year if it is 10 years it is 10 years if it is never then it is never. Cool. Whatever.

Btw your reply is very insightful so I'm fairly certain that either you are a mental health professional or you read enough on this topic that you could easily become one lol

 

[ipmanwc0]

I have pure O too it got a lot more manageable with ERP which for pure O is just mindfulness, to notice the thought but not to react to it. Still hard but was way worse before