whatevs
Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
- Jan 15, 2022
- 2,913
Do other severely depressed or suicidal people act like this? I joined a programming course two years ago with the pretense of getting a job by the end, but I soon realized what it was.
Unlike the rest of the class, I wasn't interested in a professional future and a job, but I liked coding and it filled my days. I never had an illusion firm enough about actually having a future to feel any other way. I mean, I can't even drive due to my lack of confidence and sleepless stupor. And lately, since my chronic illness seems to have worsened, I don't enjoy coding very much.
My outlook was simple: since I am always miserable, anxious and tired, I better be spending my meager energies in something that I like, otherwise I knew for a fact I would kill myself. Problem is, I don't find much that I like nowadays. Be it because my brain deteriorated severely during this decade of stress and sleep deprivation, or just being fed up with the lunacy and cruelty of the world...
The other problem of this outlook is that normal people spend a large part of their lives working to sustain themselves, and what they do is often a burden, but they can carry it because they have physical and mental health. Luckily, I have been successfully leeching off my parents for a long time, so the suicidal horizon is there exclusively for the anhedonic, health-related reasons. But I can see how money could easily lead one to start seeing it's pallid fulgor.
Thanks for taking time to read my thread.
Unlike the rest of the class, I wasn't interested in a professional future and a job, but I liked coding and it filled my days. I never had an illusion firm enough about actually having a future to feel any other way. I mean, I can't even drive due to my lack of confidence and sleepless stupor. And lately, since my chronic illness seems to have worsened, I don't enjoy coding very much.
My outlook was simple: since I am always miserable, anxious and tired, I better be spending my meager energies in something that I like, otherwise I knew for a fact I would kill myself. Problem is, I don't find much that I like nowadays. Be it because my brain deteriorated severely during this decade of stress and sleep deprivation, or just being fed up with the lunacy and cruelty of the world...
The other problem of this outlook is that normal people spend a large part of their lives working to sustain themselves, and what they do is often a burden, but they can carry it because they have physical and mental health. Luckily, I have been successfully leeching off my parents for a long time, so the suicidal horizon is there exclusively for the anhedonic, health-related reasons. But I can see how money could easily lead one to start seeing it's pallid fulgor.
Thanks for taking time to read my thread.
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