Venting DAE always doubt parents' love?

[PropaneOctane]

My mother says she loves me yet screamed at me when i attempted twice and when i confronted her about that she doesn't seem to take it seriously and instead says about how her mother was mean to her growing up and that she's the one that truly loves me and that she gave me everything and if i had something to do i wouldn't be thinking about CTBing (she kept traumadumping like that since i was a kid and expected me 2 do something about it, like idfk man).

I still pretend to love her back after all i need the money
She also said that i did the same thing to to her, laughing at the computer instead of helping her (i was maybe 14 or 15) YET I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO, i don't know how to help with anyone's personal problems

 

[Forever Sleep]

Ultimately, parents are people and some people will always prioritize their own needs. But yes- there have been situations where I've questioned where my Dad's priorities and loyalties truly lied. He pretty much exposed me to (likely) narcissistic abuse and, took their side at times. That was pretty revealing. The whole- knowing which side your bread is buttered.

I think love has many forms and some of them aren't all together healthy. I think we can love an idea of a person. What they represent. We may love the idea of the love we have for them. But ultimately, it doesn't always stand up to testing.

I'm sometimes astounded by how much parents do for their children. They move to be closer to them- to help out with grandchildren etc. They remortgage their property to help them in business ventures. My parents moved 100's of miles in the opposite direction and tried to present it as them doing us a favour- we won't become a burden on you.

That said, they're by no means terrible either. In many ways, they are actually very good parents. But sure- there have been times in life, I've realised I'm on my own- no matter what they pretend to say.

I imagine it's a form of love that made her angry at your CTB attempts. A selfish form I suppose- that she would likely feel devastated to lose you so- she perhaps became angry at you for trying to make that happen. I think love can (unfortunately) become very possessive- rather than be a genuine concern for someone.

Her response seems like a typical 'tough love' response that I would also sometimes get. Not necessarily because they don't care but- because they may genuinely think it's what we need. I suspect there's frustration there because- probably their parents gave them the same and presumably- they complied so- why don't we? Maybe the whole: 'I can't help you if you won't help yourself'. Which is maybe only partly true if we are truly debilitated and need more support.

It does sound as if she expected you to support her emotionally- from a young age- which never seems fair to me- for children to have to effectively parent their parents.

But then, most people don't enjoy being criticized. If you were pointing out her shortcomings, it sounds like she retaliated with that. Which we should be more mature not to do as adults but, we're not always that either!

 

[Cauliflour]

My mum said I was "very silly" for self harming. I don't think she understands what self harm is.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

A lot of people have psychological configurations where they oscillate between love and hostility. This carries over to when they raise children and is a form of abuse even if they lack self-awareness or if the love when they are in that phase is genuine.

Of course suicide attempts can often challenge people in how to respond as well.

 

[freakypossum]

Sounds like my mother tbh

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Yes, because love is always conditional and some parents have strict conditions.

 

[sanctionedusage]

lots of parents say they love their kids because they have the minimum self awareness to know that if they didn't, it'd make them bad people

their desperation to say it over and over and defend it when theyre told they don't isn't proof of the authenticity of the emotion, it's their desperation to prove it to themselves that they do, that they're good parents, and that they love as unconditionally as possible— when they don't, at all

your parents are your first true glimpse into human psyche and prepare you to deal with the same complex lies in the real world, beyond blood relation