pixi
how can you escape from yourself?
- Jan 11, 2025
- 99
i sometimes have panic attacks thinking about ctbing, but it's also some of my more calm moments. i'm not quite sure how to describe it. it's a mix between the happiness and peace of knowing i won't have to be here much longer, but also the intense fear of how people closer to me will take it and the fear i have of the process. however, i like the sensation of passing out. i'm just worried it might be different in the moment if i know im slipping away for the last time. which is also a bittersweet thought. life wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't a life here. one without so much pain. even if things were to do a complete 180, i feel like i've already suffered past any redemption i could find in this place. there's no escape here. but i feel horrible placing more pain on others. i just never felt quite right in this world. i'm hoping there won't be anything after this. i'd like to just fade away into the fuzzy feeling until im nothing again. where nothing can hurt me and im not so afraid of everything.
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