Hello,
I will ctb in 1 year. I will work for my graduation and then work for getting N to get eough money. My brain is different and has too many problems and I know for certain that medication will not change my brain and fix my problems.
I am writing this as my diary. I am afraid I will lose myself and change my mind about suicide, forget it or be a completely different happier person. I must not be happy, because I only cause problems in my life. I am only making excuses. Even though I can hang myself right now and here and know that it kill me 100% without failute I still dont do it. I am afraid. I should get over this fear. It would be better for everyone if my life just ended. Everyones suffering would have ended: mine and theirs. I am like a toxic poison, infecting everyone with my mental illness and problems.
I am afraid that even if I will not get N I wont go through with it but you must persevere. I am afraid not of pain, but of myself and my thoughts, that I wont recognize the person I will become 1 year after. If I read this, please, please do not forget or twist these thoughts: you are a failure and troublemaker. You caused your own mother to be institutionalized. You caused your parents divorced. You caused your own mental illness. I should have never been born. I should have never transferred schools. This life was a mistake and you know it. You can do nothing good and this world is not suited for you. Look at your wallet and read your suicide note again. If you stop working towards your suicide, then you will be a disgrace in my eyes - a fact.
Do not hope and make excuses and say if I search for other medication or say I want other suicide method or I have job interview or say this time not right I am hungry or the pain is too much or what if I get found. You know this is fake bullshit. Go with it.
You know it. You are fake and are a worthless child. Nothing can be done.
When you find this note, please convince yourself that you must continue with it. think good about your life and all the pain you were in and these last 4 years at this school. Think about what happened at the mental institution and in siitrd. think about what you did and havent done. Think about your actions that have made life only more difficult. Think about all the suffering that wont get any better. Think about what you may become. A person who only brings conflicts and is angry all the time? Or a humiliating socially awkward dumb person? A pedophile? Or a stalker? Or will you be jobless and just be a problem to society get social benefits?
Face the facts. Nothing will change, you are retard. You think there is change but all is fake. Your life will remain the shithole that it has always been. You cannot think right. You will always be stressed. And you will only make life diffuclt for yourself and everyone around you.
Think. Get in bed and think about when you wrote this. Think long and hard and do not change your opinion or forget it and just brush it off. This memory will stay in me. if you dont know what to do, take a break from work and concentrate. Look at this forum again and the think about what happened in summer break with your dad and school and how you found this forum. You said to yourself you need to die and you know this is the right solution.
Find the courage in your heart for once in your lifetime and end your stupid worthless life.
I will ctb in 1 year. I will work for my graduation and then work for getting N to get eough money. My brain is different and has too many problems and I know for certain that medication will not change my brain and fix my problems.
I am writing this as my diary. I am afraid I will lose myself and change my mind about suicide, forget it or be a completely different happier person. I must not be happy, because I only cause problems in my life. I am only making excuses. Even though I can hang myself right now and here and know that it kill me 100% without failute I still dont do it. I am afraid. I should get over this fear. It would be better for everyone if my life just ended. Everyones suffering would have ended: mine and theirs. I am like a toxic poison, infecting everyone with my mental illness and problems.
I am afraid that even if I will not get N I wont go through with it but you must persevere. I am afraid not of pain, but of myself and my thoughts, that I wont recognize the person I will become 1 year after. If I read this, please, please do not forget or twist these thoughts: you are a failure and troublemaker. You caused your own mother to be institutionalized. You caused your parents divorced. You caused your own mental illness. I should have never been born. I should have never transferred schools. This life was a mistake and you know it. You can do nothing good and this world is not suited for you. Look at your wallet and read your suicide note again. If you stop working towards your suicide, then you will be a disgrace in my eyes - a fact.
Do not hope and make excuses and say if I search for other medication or say I want other suicide method or I have job interview or say this time not right I am hungry or the pain is too much or what if I get found. You know this is fake bullshit. Go with it.
You know it. You are fake and are a worthless child. Nothing can be done.
When you find this note, please convince yourself that you must continue with it. think good about your life and all the pain you were in and these last 4 years at this school. Think about what happened at the mental institution and in siitrd. think about what you did and havent done. Think about your actions that have made life only more difficult. Think about all the suffering that wont get any better. Think about what you may become. A person who only brings conflicts and is angry all the time? Or a humiliating socially awkward dumb person? A pedophile? Or a stalker? Or will you be jobless and just be a problem to society get social benefits?
Face the facts. Nothing will change, you are retard. You think there is change but all is fake. Your life will remain the shithole that it has always been. You cannot think right. You will always be stressed. And you will only make life diffuclt for yourself and everyone around you.
Think. Get in bed and think about when you wrote this. Think long and hard and do not change your opinion or forget it and just brush it off. This memory will stay in me. if you dont know what to do, take a break from work and concentrate. Look at this forum again and the think about what happened in summer break with your dad and school and how you found this forum. You said to yourself you need to die and you know this is the right solution.
Find the courage in your heart for once in your lifetime and end your stupid worthless life.
