Ctb by jumping this weekend.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

It'll probably be the only day for me to do it, but I guess I should still try. I'm not sure if I have all the courage to do it... But I feel like I'm losing the ability to care for the ones I thought that I thought I valued so much.
Things are slowly getting more and more senseless, and each time I hear that I am "making up" something that bothers me/I think bothers others makes me want to explode in a million pieces.

I don't want to study. I don't want to live my whole life for a future of which I'm not sure about anything at all. I'm tired of feeling that I care too much about the "few times" where I miscommunicated to someone... It's like my mouth it's not even mine.

I'll try to follow the routine I have settled for the weekend, and might go for it on Saturday night. I'll keep actualizing this tomorrow, as well. (And will answer about whatever I didn't wrote, here.)

Fuck I never planned this before I hope I can do this right.

 

[ADBoy777]

Life can be really exhausting when you start overthinking about the future and where you gonna be. Overthinking is like a disease of mine which never stops spreading out.

May you find peace

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, I wish you the best in your plan.

 

[blackwave]

Worrying much about things and people is really exhausting, terrible that many people just control this process and suffer continuous, I hope you will be able to find freedom

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm sorry that life's goten so unbearable for you. I hope everything goes smoothly. I've enjoyed reading your posts around here, I hope you can b free from suffering

 

[Onelegman]

I know it sounds stupid and I have no power to do something like that. But I apologize on behalf of everyone in the world for having brought you to such a critical situation. I hope you can find the peace and happiness that they didn't know how to give you or that they denied you.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

I'm sorry that life's goten so unbearable for you. I hope everything goes smoothly. I've enjoyed reading your posts around here, I hope you can b free from suffering

I'm thankful you thought so. I feel a bit indecisive, but at the same time I want to end it quickly (I'd do it right now if I could) I feel scared about my cat. I can't do it today because I need to wait until there are people coming in my apartment so my cat doesn't run out of food.
I'm scared about him missing me.

I know it sounds stupid and I have no power to do something like that. But I apologize on behalf of everyone in the world for having brought you to such a critical situation. I hope you can find the peace and happiness that they didn't know how to give you or that they denied you.

This is actually really touching for me. I feel guilty for planning it, but at the same time I don't want to drag this anymore. I haven't even taken my medicine and all the things I needed to do feel like they're not even worth it anymore. I feel so tired of trying to communicate that I cared about those around me but I don't want to hurt them anymore. I can't stop crying while I write this omg.

 

[krnaaTh]

Communicating with people is so hard when you can't even begin to understand yourself, I don't know if that's exactly your case, but sometimes is like you're not even sure how to be yourself and what to be in life, so you just end being like just a character made up in everyone's life. You've been doing your best trying to connect with others and living, your struggles were real and no one should make fun of it or said you made that up you yourself, you've done more than enough. Wish the best of luck in your plan and what you decide to do.

 

[Onelegman]

Communicating with people is so hard

I think the problem is that there are no adequate words to express ourselves. And it also happens that people have not felt even a fraction of our pain and thoughts, it is difficult for them to imagine that going out on the street causes us anxiety, or speaking louder... it is simply impossible for them to imagine it.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

It's annoying how I'm still scared.
What if anything goes wrong?
What if everyone is right and I'd really go to hell for ending my own life???

Would any god torture me for eternity even if living itself can feel like torture?

Should I cut myself to get a bit high to commit ctb? I'm so so so so tired.
Aaaaagh

 

[nevermeant2b]

It's annoying how I'm still scared.
What if anything goes wrong?
What if everyone is right and I'd really go to hell for ending my own life???

Would any god torture me for eternity even if living itself can feel like torture?

Should I cut myself to get a bit high to commit ctb? I'm so so so so tired.
Aaaaagh

You are not ready to go

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

You are not ready to go

I'm just shower thinking bro. I wanted to not even have to plan this.

 

[Mebius]

Jumping is such a shitty way to die, not to mention people that are going to watch (no privacy). I would suggest delaying it and get SN if you can.

 

[Onelegman]

It's annoying how I'm still scared.
What if anything goes wrong?
What if everyone is right and I'd really go to hell for ending my own life???

Would any god torture me for eternity even if living itself can feel like torture?

Should I cut myself to get a bit high to commit ctb? I'm so so so so tired.
Aaaaagh

Don't let religious beliefs make you think strange things. We invented God and other imaginary beings.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Don't let religious beliefs make you think strange things. We invented God and other imaginary beings.

Thanks for reminding me that.

 

[krnaaTh]

I think the problem is that there are no adequate words to express ourselves. And it also happens that people have not felt even a fraction of our pain and thoughts, it is difficult for them to imagine that going out on the street causes us anxiety, or speaking louder... it is simply impossible for them to imagine it.

Exactly. I always remember when in 6th grade my teacher told me that when we communicate almost more than half is expressed in corporal expression, and people sometimes expect us to tell them how we feel and what we have in mind like if it were a normal thing, maybe it is, but not for me, that's why I think is hard, I always feel like I'm telling a lot of things to people but nothing about me, then I realize that I don't even understand myself, and I'm a volatile person, so it's even worst

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Jumping is such a shitty way to die, not to mention people that are going to watch (no privacy). I would suggest delaying it and get SN if you can.

The place I found to be able to jump off is my bathroom window from the apartment I live, so there isn't many ways of anyone watching me, so... I don't have much to worry about. I've already tested it, and my shoulders go out fine.

I can't get SN for deliver since I live with other people (I am not going to be able to explain why that was delivered to me) though I do have some meds to take so I theoretically wouldn't throw up... I think jumping would be a better answer.
Even if I jumped off the rooftop of my building, there are a few spots where I'd be able to land without anyone disturbing me.

Exactly. I always remember when in 6th grade my teacher told me that when we communicate almost more than half is expressed in corporal expression, and people sometimes expect us to tell them how we feel and what we have in mind like if it were a normal thing, maybe it is, but not for me, that's why I think is hard, I always feel like I'm telling a lot of things to people but nothing about me, then I realize that I don't even understand myself, and I'm a volatile person, so it's even worst

I never really learned how to control my body reactions + speaking either. I should've taken cognitive therapy since I have asd, but it's expensive.

Not that I think it would solve any of my problems with the external world. I'm still anguished for not being able to cry in front of everyone. I'm tired and feeling awful for not caring enough.

 

[Onelegman]

Exactly. I always remember when in 6th grade my teacher told me that when we communicate almost more than half is expressed in corporal expression, and people sometimes expect us to tell them how we feel and what we have in mind like if it were a normal thing, maybe it is, but not for me, that's why I think is hard, I always feel like I'm telling a lot of things to people but nothing about me, then I realize that I don't even understand myself, and I'm a volatile person, so it's even worst

How many times have we been asked what we feel and only an agonizing and terrifying howl could describe it? It would be better to get inside our head and see the mess that is in certain parts of our mind. Only then would they be able to understand it, although I have always believed that when they left, they would not be able to speak again or they would end up crazy.

 

[Mebius]

The place I found to be able to jump off is my bathroom window from the apartment I live, so there isn't many ways of anyone watching me, so... I don't have much to worry about. I've already tested it, and my shoulders go out fine.

I can't get SN for deliver since I live with other people (I am not going to be able to explain why that was delivered to me) though I do have some meds to take so I theoretically wouldn't throw up... I think jumping would be a better answer.
Even if I jumped off the rooftop of my building, there are a few spots where I'd be able to land without anyone disturbing me.

I meant as in your mangled corpse would be there for all to see, it just doesnt seem very dignified to me. I suppose it wouldnt matter if you will be dead anyway. Its quite unfortunate you couldnt get a better way to do it.