SomewhatLoved
all bleeding stops eventually...
- Apr 12, 2023
- 384
It's been about over a year (392 days) since I was last keeping up the "act" of normality. I had friends, a partner, went out, exercised, tried to pursue a happy life, etc. Since then a series of events has led to me feeling a lot less driven, and pretty much just kind of keeping up the status quo and not trying to achieve anything higher. I work, but I've stopped studying. I've stopped trying to make friends, be physically fit, a good person, etc. When my rotation/block of shifts ends I come home and pretty much just lay in bed for all of my days off until my next rotation begins.
In October or November of last year (I honestly don't remember anymore, my life is a blur), I was probably 7 days away from killing myself. I was in the process of selling the majority of my belongings so that my family wouldn't have to deal with the process of selling so much of my shit that was cluttering up the garage. That (not burdening my family) was the last thing checked off on a list of reasons I had to keep living. Then, I had a person change my mind. I ended up getting a "depression cat" (partially because of this forum) to try and give myself meaning to stay alive. Turns out depressed people aren't the best at taking care of cats, and a few weeks ago I was finally able to find someone more responsible to take care of my cat. His basic needs were met with me, but I pretty much just laid around all day and I live in a pretty small space so he didn't have much stimulation or interaction. I feel shitty just thinking about it. Already I think my cat is doing better, I'm able to go see him and the person taking care of him sends me pictures and updates and he seems better there. I can't even take care of a fucking cat.
Starting in April and going until August, I had a series of things going on in my life that made it feel difficult to CTB. My mom is on vacation and I didn't want to ruin that for her by killing myself while she was gone and her having to find out and ruining her trip, I had to figure out a way to make sure my cat is taken care of, I wanted to go see my favourite band play live before ending things. But honestly after that I feel done.
I've planned my suicide many times throughout my life, but things have just never lined up. There has always been at least one thing keeping me back, some aspiration or desire or thing that had to be settled before I could put a rope around my neck and say "I am ok with leaving things this way", but honestly thinking about this fall it doesn't feel that way. Really the only thing I have left holding me back is knowing my parents will hurt because of this, but I think I have to deal with that and accept that I will hurt someone because I just can't imagine myself going on any further.
I can't say I have any friends anymore. In the past I've felt alone or friendless, but there's always been at least one or two people who I could talk to if I really wanted to. Now there's not really. I have people who I send videos to, but I never really have actual conversations with anyone outside of small talk with coworkers. I can't remember the last time I had a full conversation with anyone other than my parents, and I honestly don't even really talk to them all that much. I am as close to invisible or non-existent as I have ever been and sometimes I don't really mind it.
I don't like the feeling of a rope constricting around my neck. I don't like the idea of leaving people behind. I know that regardless of what I think I deserve, maybe there are people who like the idea of me being ok. But I just feel that I cannot be happy, and that there is some incurable pathology or disease preventing me from doing so. Since I was little - even as a toddler - I've always been described as angry or grumpy. I don't think I'm normal, at least not in the sense of living people. Maybe my fate is to die.
In October or November of last year (I honestly don't remember anymore, my life is a blur), I was probably 7 days away from killing myself. I was in the process of selling the majority of my belongings so that my family wouldn't have to deal with the process of selling so much of my shit that was cluttering up the garage. That (not burdening my family) was the last thing checked off on a list of reasons I had to keep living. Then, I had a person change my mind. I ended up getting a "depression cat" (partially because of this forum) to try and give myself meaning to stay alive. Turns out depressed people aren't the best at taking care of cats, and a few weeks ago I was finally able to find someone more responsible to take care of my cat. His basic needs were met with me, but I pretty much just laid around all day and I live in a pretty small space so he didn't have much stimulation or interaction. I feel shitty just thinking about it. Already I think my cat is doing better, I'm able to go see him and the person taking care of him sends me pictures and updates and he seems better there. I can't even take care of a fucking cat.
Starting in April and going until August, I had a series of things going on in my life that made it feel difficult to CTB. My mom is on vacation and I didn't want to ruin that for her by killing myself while she was gone and her having to find out and ruining her trip, I had to figure out a way to make sure my cat is taken care of, I wanted to go see my favourite band play live before ending things. But honestly after that I feel done.
I've planned my suicide many times throughout my life, but things have just never lined up. There has always been at least one thing keeping me back, some aspiration or desire or thing that had to be settled before I could put a rope around my neck and say "I am ok with leaving things this way", but honestly thinking about this fall it doesn't feel that way. Really the only thing I have left holding me back is knowing my parents will hurt because of this, but I think I have to deal with that and accept that I will hurt someone because I just can't imagine myself going on any further.
I can't say I have any friends anymore. In the past I've felt alone or friendless, but there's always been at least one or two people who I could talk to if I really wanted to. Now there's not really. I have people who I send videos to, but I never really have actual conversations with anyone outside of small talk with coworkers. I can't remember the last time I had a full conversation with anyone other than my parents, and I honestly don't even really talk to them all that much. I am as close to invisible or non-existent as I have ever been and sometimes I don't really mind it.
I don't like the feeling of a rope constricting around my neck. I don't like the idea of leaving people behind. I know that regardless of what I think I deserve, maybe there are people who like the idea of me being ok. But I just feel that I cannot be happy, and that there is some incurable pathology or disease preventing me from doing so. Since I was little - even as a toddler - I've always been described as angry or grumpy. I don't think I'm normal, at least not in the sense of living people. Maybe my fate is to die.
:/
