Venting Choosing to live with incurable suffering

[finasteride_end]

For now, I choose to live

I am in so much pain with tinnitus that I very quickly stopped giving a shit about how my life used to be. I no longer mourn it, I no longer blame myself for what happened or think of what-ifs. I am in 100 percent pure survival mode

I told everyone I intended to kill myself. My own mother knows now. I don't give a shit how much suffering I cause her by her knowing. I have become unbelievably selfish in my single-minded instructive craving to survive. I have stopped trying to avoid codependency and excessive leaning on other people. I am in full shameless worm mode

I understand that for tinnitus, habituation is the only possible treatment. I have no idea what this actually means in practice, and I will be searching for some kind of professional help to figure out what this means. I am currently suffering from incredible amounts of chest pain from all the benzos I have been taking. They briefly give me enough of a respite from the torture to think rationally about what to do next

I want to try and live somehow. I made contact with that woman I mentioned in my very first post here. It turns out we had a misunderstanding. She was actually genuinely busy and not ghosting me. She cares about me and told me explicitly that I could lean on her as much as I needed to. I will be travelling to meet her on Sunday

No form of romantic relationship is possible with her as she was castrated by antidepressants and is no longer attracted to men. But I don't give a fucking shit. Friendship is every bit as meaningful as being in love. It's stupid but in the short term she is my main reason for continuing to live. Healthy attachment can come later

Physical suffering is a perverse blessing in a way. I see now how misguided I truly was. I have ascended beyond caring about self esteem, masculinity, being loved, impotence, baldness, loneliness. Nothing truly matters except physical health, the foundation for all other wellbeing. If I ever manage to recover to the point where I can live a normal life again, I have so much apologising to do. I never know how blessed I truly was until it was taken away from me. I pray that I will get a second chance

 

[timf]

Your mention of habituation, is that similar to visiting someone who lives near train tracks aske. "What train?"

Does wearing headphones make any difference with loud or soft music?

Many people do not appreciate the importance of friendship (giving and receiving). I hope your meeting goes well.

If you haven;t experimented with non-traditional medication, you might be interested in this summary;

Herbal medicines in the treatment of tinnitus: An updated review - PMC

Tinnitus is perception of sound in the absence of an apparent external acoustic stimulus. The condition is prevalent in adults, especially the elderly (≥65 years), and may be associated with cognitive function decline and significantly impacts on ...

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

 

[finasteride_end]

Fuck me, everyone is being so nice to me. In real life. I'm such a fucking asshole. I am enduring extreme physical suffering but everyone is understanding. They all love me so much. My three female best friends are going out of their way to be there for me. And yet I am probably going to be dead before the end of the week

The tinnitus just keeps escalating day by day. The volume leaves me in endless fight or flight mode. I cannot relax for even one single minute. I might take my final steps to gas myself within 24 hours. There won't even be a post on sanctioned-suicide. I am in a state of extreme fear not even drugs can tranquilise. I don't have a choice but to die. These beautiful people will never forgive me for rejecting their love

I love them with all my heart

 

[MapleS]

I fucking understand being in full survival mode, not caring about anything. Been there. *hug*

Watch out on benzos. They can fauck your life. Like literally your body will not know how to deal with anythong and will be scared and terrified all the time - this means to be addicted to benzos.

I'm glad you decided to live and people who care for you are propably glad too. Like I swear - people who care for you wold rather suffer for knowing you wanna kill yiurself WHEN YOU ARE ALIVE than suffer never knowing and not doing anything and not having you alive

And like
It's fine to be selfish. The vibe here can tell you orherwise but in the reality vibe is diffrent. It's fine to be selfish.

I wish you good luck <3

Fuck me, everyone is being so nice to me. In real life. I'm such a fucking asshole. I am enduring extreme physical suffering but everyone is understanding. They all love me so much. My three female best friends are going out of their way to be there for me. And yet I am probably going to be dead before the end of the week

The tinnitus just keeps escalating day by day. The volume leaves me in endless fight or flight mode. I cannot relax for even one single minute. I might take my final steps to gas myself within 24 hours. There won't even be a post on sanctioned-suicide. I am in a state of extreme fear not even drugs can tranquilise. I don't have a choice but to die. These beautiful people will never forgive me for rejecting their love

I love them with all my heart

Well people are understanding especially knowing how hard it would be for them to be in your possition.

You can tell them how you feel. How much pain you are in. It's fine.
Especially if you will ask if you can do it as you know it can be hard for them

And I ask you to consider living once again as you are unable to take informed decision. I understand that is not always possible and can even imagine in how much pain you are but if there's way for you to recover think of it once again
.
And well suicide is valid as much as living. I'm saying all of it because you decided to live in the main post
.
And well suicide is valid as much as living. I'm saying all of it because you decided to live in the main post
.
But any way I'm fucking proud of you

 

[TheFalseWidow]

Have you every tried to focus on the sound? Like give it your full and undivided attention for, idk, maybe 5 minutes? Just curious about it

 

[finasteride_end]

I fucking understand being in full survival mode, not caring about anything. Been there. *hug*

Watch out on benzos. They can fauck your life. Like literally your body will not know how to deal with anythong and will be scared and terrified all the time - this means to be addicted to benzos.

I'm glad you decided to live and people who care for you are propably glad too. Like I swear - people who care for you wold rather suffer for knowing you wanna kill yiurself WHEN YOU ARE ALIVE than suffer never knowing and not doing anything and not having you alive

And like
It's fine to be selfish. The vibe here can tell you orherwise but in the reality vibe is diffrent. It's fine to be selfish.

I wish you good luck <3

Well people are understanding especially knowing how hard it would be for them to be in your possition.

You can tell them how you feel. How much pain you are in. It's fine.
Especially if you will ask if you can do it as you know it can be hard for them

And I ask you to consider living once again as you are unable to take informed decision. I understand that is not always possible and can even imagine in how much pain you are but if there's way for you to recover think of it once again
.
And well suicide is valid as much as living. I'm saying all of it because you decided to live in the main post
.
And well suicide is valid as much as living. I'm saying all of it because you decided to live in the main post
.
But any way I'm fucking proud of you

Some of the panic has receded. In place of it is the most profound depression I have ever experienced. If I did choose death now, everyone would feel that it was their fault somehow, that they failed me in some way. There's no note or video I could leave that would give them any sense of peace. And I would die in a state of awful guilt for the emotional torment I was about to inflict

This new life of nightmarish sound and impotence is one I dread. It's still a real test of my resolve not to do something impulsive. I find it revolting to try and think positively, it's never gotten me anything but disappointment, but I no longer have any choice. I cannot bear the idea that the people who love me will hate me after I am gone

How absurd this all is. I am choosing an enfeebled half-life instead of the comfort of death. I may never be able to work again. I may never be able to experience a real relationship. I may never be able to relax and enjoy my hobbies again

Yet, after I told one of my friends about what had happened to me, she arranged for me to talk to her husband. It turned out he took had endured a tinnitus nightmare for six months during the COVID lockdowns. I spoke to him yesterday and felt the enormous elief of being understood by someone for the first time since this nightmare began. And he believes I can recover as he did

I have to give it a try. At least another few months. The suffering will be hideous, but I need to go on a little longer and see if some small relief is possible. If I can get back even a fraction of my old life, and all the loving people in it

For now, I am just going to be a benzo addict until I develop tolerance to the drug. From that point on, I will have to endure the full horror of this screaming tinnitus without the crutch of Xanax. Perhaps I can calm down enough to resume my old job while I wait for this awful period of my life to pass

Thanks for the support, MapleS. I'm still not convinced I'm making the best decision for me, but for now I'm committed to seeing it through

 

[MapleS]

Some of the panic has receded. In place of it is the most profound depression I have ever experienced. If I did choose death now, everyone would feel that it was their fault somehow, that they failed me in some way. There's no note or video I could leave that would give them any sense of peace. And I would die in a state of awful guilt for the emotional torment I was about to inflict

This new life of nightmarish sound and impotence is one I dread. It's still a real test of my resolve not to do something impulsive. I find it revolting to try and think positively, it's never gotten me anything but disappointment, but I no longer have any choice. I cannot bear the idea that the people who love me will hate me after I am gone

How absurd this all is. I am choosing an enfeebled half-life instead of the comfort of death. I may never be able to work again. I may never be able to experience a real relationship. I may never be able to relax and enjoy my hobbies again

Yet, after I told one of my friends about what had happened to me, she arranged for me to talk to her husband. It turned out he took had endured a tinnitus nightmare for six months during the COVID lockdowns. I spoke to him yesterday and felt the enormous elief of being understood by someone for the first time since this nightmare began. And he believes I can recover as he did

I have to give it a try. At least another few months. The suffering will be hideous, but I need to go on a little longer and see if some small relief is possible. If I can get back even a fraction of my old life, and all the loving people in it

For now, I am just going to be a benzo addict until I develop tolerance to the drug. From that point on, I will have to endure the full horror of this screaming tinnitus without the crutch of Xanax. Perhaps I can calm down enough to resume my old job while I wait for this awful period of my life to pass

Thanks for the support, MapleS. I'm still not convinced I'm making the best decision for me, but for now I'm committed to seeing it through

I'm full of respect for you for making this decision. I hope you will be able to live happily one day <3

 

[MapleS]

came by and wanted to wish you a bearable day <3

 

[anorexicmustrope]

Wow shit, this touched me, I had anorexia at a developmental age and stunted much of my growth and brain chemistry there, I honestly can't feel I can do the same as you, but props to you man. Just wanted to let you know I ca understand how rough it feels to have your body messed up and not just your head.

 

[finasteride_end]

A very slight glimmer of hope has presented itself over the last few days - the tinnitus community over at the Tapatalk forums is excellent, better by far than Reddit or Tinnitustalk and with some incredibly passionate and well-motivated moderators

They are true believers in the power of habituation to alleviate the suffering of tinnitus. I was skeptical, but they have literally invited me to hit them with all my darkest fears about this condition so they can work through them and convince me there is hope

I owe it to them and the other people trying to help me to at least try to survive long enough to see if it gets any easier. I have been managing with Xanax so far, but I have to get off it soon and I had a brutal spike in volume today. It's such a profoundly disabling condition

But if habituation works the way the Tapatalk community and the tinnitus professionals I have spoken to in real life think it does, there might be hope in the long term even at the cost of immense suffering in the short term

I still need a backup plan. I cannot function or live a normal life with my tinnitus at its current volume. My 35th birthday is coming up soon. I won't make it to my 36th if this doesn't alleviate a little. But I'm willing to put in the time to make it happen if it can at all

If only I could fucking sleep through this noise in the meantime

 

[finasteride_end]

Unexpectedly, the weekend was good. Tinnitus was surprisingly quiet during the day. Still taking 0.25mg Xanax to sleep at night. Today it's much worse, but that means that I had genuine if temporary improvement over the weekend. I wouldn't say I am optimistic but my previous despair now seems somewhat premature

The PFS however is still terrible. I am totally impotent at the moment, and worse overall in terms of sexual functioning and emotional wellbeing than I was two months ago. I am not being allowed to return to work or my normal life since I scared the shit out of everyone with my suicidal episode. My friends were there for me when I needed them most, but they are back to their normal lives, while I am at home wondering what to do now. My life is still a mess. I can't go on with the system of values I had before or the same life expectations as I had before. Back in September I was getting decent erections but that's all over now

What are you supposed to do if you decide to stay in your shitty life, I wonder. Who is it I am living for? I decided to live because everyone would be so upset if I killed myself, but what is living about for me now? There won't be any woman in this life, that's for sure. No children or family, in a society built around the nuclear family. No house of my own I can save towards, in a society where even couples struggle to buy. I can live with my parents and play video games. Maybe I can apply for social housing. Perhaps I will eventually have a different part-time job

My therapist was utterly at a loss to help me. "You have to have hope", she says. Hope is useless to me. What I need is indifference - both to success and to failure. I have realised how short the time available to us is. How little what you do really matters, whether you decide to stay for a long time or a very short time. How your life cannot revolve around the affection you receive from busy friends, fitting you into the gaps in their lives. There is no plan. All I will do is just exist without expectation