kilowatt
scumfuc
- Sep 9, 2023
- 394
I've been suicidal for a great majority of my time alive. Whether it is a passive or active want, death always occupies my mind, influences my decisions, my thought process, my mindset. After all this time I can safely admit I've made peace with the idea of death itself and I find it rather comforting. I am not afraid of passing, not afraid of the procedure it takes either, as I had a lot of time to go over my options and accessibilities. It's not hard for me to claim that at any point in life, no matter how good or bad, I would much rather be experiencing the eternity of death. No exceptions.
However, I happen to be among the people that endured being sheltered and pretty isolated for most of their lives. I'm in my early 20's and just very recently I managed to distance myself from the abuse tied to my childhood and teenage years. I lost hopes for a good life pretty early on, I can't say I have much passion left within me, don't have any dreams, aspirations, always let life and current situation decide on my part.
But I do want one thing. I know that for sure. My one and only goal is to have a stroll on the beach at night. There's nothing more I seek.
I'm aware that sounds rather silly, maybe even childish, but embracing such scenery is all I could ever ask for. It's a 7 hour car ride to the closest beach, and even if I have visited the area as a kid, I could not catch the right moment to go by the sea at night, I was always stuck on ''almost there''. I have the possibility to go now if I pull some strings or save up some money, but I'm honestly not fond of travelling so far all by myself. This has been a life long dream of mine and I'm not down to take risks or possibly have my moment ruined.
This is currently the only thing holding me back. It's been gnawing at my brain lately, really keeping me up at night, got me thinking. I believe I would die happy if I got to experience that and finally let go of my last bit of attachment to this world.
If you happen to have any beautiful pictures of the sea at night feel free to share, much appreciated.
However, I happen to be among the people that endured being sheltered and pretty isolated for most of their lives. I'm in my early 20's and just very recently I managed to distance myself from the abuse tied to my childhood and teenage years. I lost hopes for a good life pretty early on, I can't say I have much passion left within me, don't have any dreams, aspirations, always let life and current situation decide on my part.
But I do want one thing. I know that for sure. My one and only goal is to have a stroll on the beach at night. There's nothing more I seek.
I'm aware that sounds rather silly, maybe even childish, but embracing such scenery is all I could ever ask for. It's a 7 hour car ride to the closest beach, and even if I have visited the area as a kid, I could not catch the right moment to go by the sea at night, I was always stuck on ''almost there''. I have the possibility to go now if I pull some strings or save up some money, but I'm honestly not fond of travelling so far all by myself. This has been a life long dream of mine and I'm not down to take risks or possibly have my moment ruined.
This is currently the only thing holding me back. It's been gnawing at my brain lately, really keeping me up at night, got me thinking. I believe I would die happy if I got to experience that and finally let go of my last bit of attachment to this world.
If you happen to have any beautiful pictures of the sea at night feel free to share, much appreciated.
