Venting can’t distance myself from suicidal thoughts

[3FailedAttemptss]

I've been in the psych ward for 10 days now, and I'm having a really, really hard time distancing myself from suicidal thoughts and impulses. I've already attempted partial hanging twice while in here, and I really think it's inevitable that I try again. I think this time it'll actually work because the reason I failed the first few times was that I tried to hang myself on the clothes hangers, I found out that they're pliable enough to bend once you put your weight on them. But this time I think I'd try using the door handles in my room - it's a metal door handle and the door's not just going to fall off. I don't know, I guess it's just a matter of time until my impulses hit.

It's been really overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I guess that makes sense that I kill myself? I think my life isn't worth living. These thoughts are so overwhelming - I can't just be in the psych ward and not feel this way. I'm getting ECT treatments as well, and I just wish... I think it's tragic that I'll kill myself. I kind of wish that I could be helped, but everything's pointing to the fact that I'm just fucked in the head and can't be helped.

Usually, I've been able to relax these urges by having SN in my possession or having it come in the mail. That would be like, "No, I'm going to kill myself for sure, but I'm going to do it right and choose this way that's at least good for me or that I'm OK with." I know I'm going to lose control to these impulses, so if I could just have that little bit of decision in choosing a method that I'm happier with, that would be nice. But now that I've learned about partial hanging, it's really, really scary. Like it's so scary being here in the psych ward and being in my room alone. It just feels inevitable that I kill myself. Part of me wishes I could just go back to being like, "Oh, I'm going to kill myself later with my SN," and I could be at peace with that. But here in the psych ward, it's every day - this door handle is tormenting me because it's what's going to kill me.

i've been crying a lot these past couple days thinking about it and knowing that I'm someone who will commit suicide and that's inevitable. That's just in the script for me - that's just going to happen. I don't feel like anything can change that. I feel like I'm doing everything right - I am in the psych ward, I am literally getting electroshock therapy as a last resort, and I'm cooperating and telling them everything. Sometimes I'm sitting at the dinner table paralyzed for like three hours until someone asks, "Do you need pills? Do you need something to calm down?" I say yes, and they ask what I'm thinking about, and it's suicide. That's all I think about all the fucking time.

I'm kind of freaking out, but I just wish I could catch a break and just be in this psych ward and not have to think about suicide all the time. I really can't distance myself from these thoughts and knowing that I'm going to lose control, and it's going to kill me whether I want it or not.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. What do they advise you do when you have these thoughts? Do they have any advice for you? I would have thought any kind of distraction would be good but, I suppose they are harder to come by on a ward. Does it help you to talk to them about them?

It's tricky because it sort of sounds like you do want them to stop but, you don't know how. Like you say though, you're really doing all you can. I suppose I sort if feel like it's on them now. Have they recommended a bunch of things that haven't worked? Or, do they just not know what to suggest?

 

[RoseGirl]

Omg world's worst psych ward jesus. All the ones I've been in have been next level devoid of any tie down points. Like to the point where instead of having a bedframe its just a plastic box.
Uhm are you still in the psychward...

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Omg world's worst psych ward jesus. All the ones I've been in have been next level devoid of any tie down points. Like to the point where instead of having a bedframe its just a plastic box.
Uhm are you still in the psychward...

Yeah, it's weird. Like usually the psych wards I've been to have been pretty good at having anti-ligature furnishings, but this one is really inconsistent. Like my bed, closet and window frame are all anti-ligature, and like the door handles are angled at a certain way so they were clearly trying something, but the fact that there are door handles at all is a tiedown point, so it's just it's very inconsistent.

Weird inconsistencies with anti-ligature furnishings aside, this is actually one of the nicest psych ward I've been to. Like the staff- well they're OK, but like the atmosphere it's actually alright and the facilities and food comfortable as well, plus the garden's nice :3

But yeah, I've almost been here a month now. It's funny. I couldn't even remember writing this post, but that's because the ECT treatments have been fucking frying my memory, so I don't remember anything. But… I still wanna die? so it's not even like they're really helping. I gave in and tried to kill myself again with the door handle a couple of days ago, but turns out partial hanging is just more difficult than I thought it would be. At least I couldn't get it to work, and I fucking kept trying for hour(s)? until the staff walked in on me. Maybe it's just because I was using my panties, and they're elastic.

 

[quintessence]

meant to reply to this bout a month ago it really stuck with me
i feel like no matter what I do im destined to kill myself at some point, i feel exactly like what you said about it being at the end of the script.
About 2 years ago i almost did death by cop by pointing an airgun at the police but i decided against it when someone else called the cops on me, but i still have the airgun in my room and its more or less tormenting me constantly every time i look at it
i doubt youll see this but thank you