Can someone restore my faith in therapy?

[noname223]

Therapy helped me in my life so much. Especially, some clinic stays were crucial to learn more about my conditions. And I met interesting people.

The last 2 years horrible shit happened though. I had two clinic stays last year. The first one was really good. It only was a day care clinic. The second stay was a nightmare in this acute suicidal clinic. A female patient jumped in front of a train.

And recently my therapist became extremely abusive. Shit I imagined in vivid nightmares. I still cannot believe this happened. it is stunning that this fear became reality. It is extremely sick. I also have the feeling I lost all faith in therapy. Also in clinic stays. I get the feeling I don't want to be in contact with any of it in my whole life again. The loss of trust in therapy is heartbreaking. I always knew my therapist was incompetent but that she is actually that evil...I lost faith in humanity. This was the worst abuse I experienced in my adult life. (Within the last decade) I notice how I struggle more with hypervigilance and catastrophizing. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. And I need to stay really calm. I want her support on the issue. And I wrote her a very long, detailed summary of the conflict, the allegations against me and why they are wrong. My psychiatrist could help me to restore my faith in therapy. Or make the whole thing a lot worse and more cynical. Many people warned me that a psychiatrist most often backs the therapist as an unwritten rule. But I am also analyzing scenarios. If she actually teamed up with my therapist this would be insane. The evidence is overwhelming on my side. I have the feeling this would be suicide for her. I don't think she read all my mails though. At the start of the conversation I will say something like please read my summary of the conflict. And I will try to stay calm even if she doesn't support me on this issue. She played down the actions of my therapist thus far. I try not to become too emotional. I will take a benzo probably beforehand. I have the feeling the appointment tomorrow could re-traumatize me...

Only a few weeks past since the event. And maybe everything is temporary concerning my trust in therapy. But I don't see how it shall come back. I heard about horror stories about therapists I never thought I could be in the same position. I knew there was a risk but I considered it to be unrealistic.

I had two therapists that retrospectively were a catastrophe. However, I always took the first one who gave me an appointment. Maybe that's dumb.
But it is so hard to get an appointment. Most of them didn't call back.
It is ironic how history plays out. I called my current former therapist while being in this acute suicidal clinic. I think though in case if I never had been in therapy with her I would have never met this woman from a dating app with whom I had my first sexual and romantic experiences.

 

[FoxSauce]

Im so sorry that happened. Sometimes docs just dont fit for some people or some dont care (I mean in any areas)

Is not right for to tell you that you should kr shouldnt stop? Im sorry I dont know how to express this correctly.

Thankfully for me I never had to stumble upan a bad therapist. For someone you trust and you expect to help you just abuses power or seems ignorant to your struggles is deeply invalidating and just awful.

I seen some of your post and jesus christ idk how the doctors you've intereacted with had a license.

Seruously i hope you find some sort of silverlining

 

[noname223]

So the whole thing got even way worse and way more cynical. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she actually teams up with my former therapist. That's sick.
She repeated in some ways her narrative. I would be paranoid and distrustful. And that I had OCD in controlling things. These are two tallking points my former therapist repeats to weaken my position.

I document the case really in-depth. That's true. But my distrustfulness is legitimized. I also argued that in a lengthy note I wrote yesterday for my psychiatrist. I was really careful how to put it. Because I dismantle allegations against me in this document. I might use it for my report.
My psychiatrist admitted though that some statements of my former therapist are indeed wrong. Especially, the ones with which she damages my trustworthyness towards instititutions. I still think I have a pretty good hand because of my documentation. I don't want to report my psychiatrist too. However, my therapist and psychiatrist seemingly phoned together about the case recently. And the way she put it makes it seem like this happened more than once. Because she refered to something that happened last week. And I already had the feeling they communicated. Actually, this isn't allowed. They are not allowed to talk about my case without my agreement. Not sure whether I should document that. I am not sure about the intentions of my psychiatrist. But she doesn't seem to an honest actor. She is biased and should actually be neutral instead.
My psychiatrist admitted not to have read all documents. I told her that's essential to understand the full context.

I still have one big argument. I still might have my smoking gun. It is not 100% clear I have this smoking gun. But I demanded my right to get that evidence. And surprisingly my former therapist is silent about this demand and seemingly panicks because I have the legal right to get that evidence. I also told my psychiatrist about it but in different words of course. If this holds, I have won the whole case probably. She might lose her licence. Even if this isn't my intention.
I still think even without the smoking gun I have a strong hand. But obviously it would have been better my psychiatrist supported me. But many people warned me that psychiatrists and therapists usually defend each other. The patient's counsellors almost all complimented a lot. for my texts They asked me whether I have studied law. Lol.

I also told my psychiatrist if there is a way to correct my medical records without reporting my therapist I would do that. And I will try that and the report is only a measure of last resort.

 

[FoxSauce]

Oh my. That sounds extensive, not even sure how to react. All i can day is best of luck dude.

Ofc I cant imaging the amount of stress your under.

 

[noname223]

Oh my. That sounds extensive, not even sure how to react. All i can day is best of luck dude.

Ofc I cant imaging the amount of stress your under.

I am not too shocked. In case my psychiatrist would fully adapt to the position of my therapist this would be self-destruction. The depiction made by my therpist is full of gaps of logic and inner contradictions. She also changed the story to different points of time. There are some believable facts and narrations but its mixed with really heinous lies.

 

[noname223]

I think I lost the conflict. I could cry... I insisted on getting a copy of my medical records. She gave me a document to my psychiatrist where she spread lies about me. And my psychiatrist even teamed up with her. I wanted to get a physical copy of the minutes of the sessions. The writen protocols of every session. I knew they will probably confirm my narrative. But she just changed them retrospectively which would be a falsification of documents if I could prove it. That'a a crime and she simply did that. She could lose her licence over that. Then I might have made a mistake. I talked with some patient counsellors and I talked to AI. And both confirmed I have a right for a digital copy of my medical records in this instance the minutes of every session. My strategy was getting these digital copies. It would prove her falsification of the documents.

But now it seems like what the patient counsellors and AI told me was wrong. Or at least highly controversial. This is at least something more patient counsellors told me now. I had to start a legal battle to get a digital copy of the minutes of every session. Simply reporting her won't be enough. Even though, there are contradictions in her statements. And to make things even worse she sent me fake screenshots that look like she actually told the truth. But I am very certain she used a trick to manipulate the variation in time in these screenshots. And I don't have the right to the get the actual digital copies to prove that lie. This evening I talked to another patient counsellor and she says I have no chance to get the digital copies unless I sue her with a high risk. Now I am really not sure what to do. Again, talking to a patient counsellor? - some agree, some disagree with the question whether I have a right to get the meta data and audit trails. However, I get the feeling the one's who are more specialized disagree with it. Something I did not know. All these people say different things. I talk to them on a daily basis. I won't sue her this would cost me a couple of thousand Euros. I only relied on this strategy because some patient counsellors confirmed this was my right.

The whole thing was also a battle of wits. And it seems like I lost. The power structure was very assymetrical though. She abused her rights as a therapist in the worst way imaginable. And when I report her you can read her strategy in the way she writes. There are still some valid points I can report her for.
I think on moral integrity I won. Her actions were rotten to the core. The worst abuse I ever experienced in my life as an adult. Moreover, I was right about a fact she disputed. I think this was what infuriated her and started the whole conflict. But she was simply wrong about that memory. I was right. However, she realized it later otherwise I could use it as evidence.

I think I won't kill myself because all of this. At least not now maybe later. I think people like her would actually want something like that. And I won't take revenge in any form. She tries that I won't be supported by the welfare state. How depraved can one be?

I am not sure what to do now. Tomorrow I might phone again with a legal expert and hope he agrees that I can get a digital copy of the minutes of the session. Otherwise I don't know what to do. Following this strategy was risky but now with her faked screenshots I literally have no chance. I had to change my strategy but this won't work without humiliating me. The fake screenshots were the nail in the coffin for my strategy. But I wasn't sure she actually takes such a risk. She could go the prison for that. But she probably knows I had to sue her for getting the digital copies and I won't take that risk.

The situation is horrible. And I really despise her. I can still report her for her actions. But the recent development wasn't good at all.

Can anyone comfort me?

My mom belittles me over it... and makes everything worse.

 

[FoxSauce]

Oh god im so sorry dude. Im so sorry your in a awful spot.

Ik it doesnt help much but

 

[noname223]

Wait...I might have her on something. I demanded to get a copy of my medical records within a certain deadline some time ago. The deadline is crossed a long time since. She sent me these fake ass screenshots recently. I cannot falsify them sadly. But I realized something. The notes which she screenshotted were not included in the copy of my medical records. The medical records she sent me were not complete. This can be punished. And I even wrote to her if she does not send me my complete medical records that I will report her. It is more of a technical violation and not as stunning as my smoking gun but it might be enough for reporting her. I will add all the other things she did in my reporting.

 

[noname223]

Finally, some good news. I am approaching the end of reporting my former therapist. I might will need like 1-2 weeks. Maybe only one week work. I take daily addictive sleep medication. I counted my pills up and yes I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder for good reason I don't trust psychiatrist. If I took the same amount of sleep medication, I could continue that for over 100 days. My psychiatrist is on the side of my therapist. She should not know how bad I feel mentally this could bee used against me. And that I am reliant on them.

After calling patient counsellors over probably 15 times they adviced me to go somewhere else. It is an organization that is dedicated to fight abuse in psychotherapy. I contacted them. After a phone call, that will soon take place, if this person seems trustworthy I am allowed to send her some documents to proof read them. This takes some pressure from my shoulders. Let's hope she doesn't side with my therapist like my psychiatrist. My trust in psychotherapy is already negative...

 

[Pluto]

 

[webb&flow]

u deserve the best noname223. i'm so so sorry to hear u got the worst. you deserve the best therapist possible. may tomorrow, be yours. i wish you most well in all your paths towards the future. may it be of best healing with the most exceptional specialists. best wishes personally, noname223. <3