Can someone listen to my story and tell me if it's worth trying to live?

[100percentbeer]

Edit: I can't DM anyone so here is the whole story, visible to the world wide Web. I hate it haha but I'm desperate.

I guess I don't have messaging privileges yet so I'll have to post here.

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I got bullied a lot in high school for maybe being autistic and a lesbian. Bad combo. I guess I had a crush on a teacher but I didn't really know that's what I was feeling, and after a period of me being obsessed with her another teacher asked if anyone else in class knew how to finish the acronym LGBT-- she said "X, I thought you would know" to me. I honestly didn't even realize it was an insult at the time as I had so far repressed my feelings.

Simultaneously, I was under a lot of pressure to be a little socialite by my childhood best friend and my own mother even. She wanted me to dress up, wear makeup, and go drinking with the popular girls. It was deeply reinforced that there was only one right way to be a girl. I also knew I had to be skinny.

An autistic girl trying to be popular is basically a nightmare but my first group of friends ostracized me, my first crush (an older girl who had taken me under her wing) rejected me, and I was outcast to the art girls which was fine until they didn't want anything to do with me at our grad party and I wound up lying in the woods with alcohol poisoning.

Then I repeated a year of high school because due to mental illness I had bad grades due to ongoing home issues and budding mental illness, and my long-term childhood best friend was doing that and it seemed like the right thing to do. I wanted to go to university to become a teacher.

In high school, the girl I had a crush on suggested I might be autistic and that was the first time I heard that. I dismissed it.

I talked to a guidance counselor there and got really attached. She made me feel weird about it in subtle ways and I began to realize that the attachment I had to these older women who provided me more maternal care than my negligent, pill addicted mother could, was very weird and wrong.

I quit school and moved back to my home province. It was then my sister suggested for the first time I might be autistic. I know she was right because I'm a very cool-headed person and I went off on her immediately. It brought up all the experiences of rejection and social isolation I wasn't confronting and challenged my belief that I was, in fact, cool and likeable. Which isn't supposedly such a bad belief to have, until you continuously get let down.

I told one of the art girls who had become a best friend of mine and she said "that explains why all the teachers are so nice to you." I was humiliated. They weren't nice to me because of who I was but what was wrong with me? I began to distrust people's kindness.

Her and I went to a house party and she very traumatically whispered to someone "be nice to her, she's autistic."

I left the party crying and feeling very sorry for myself.

I later moved to be with my oldest sister in another province, because I had found a note from my dad before he died saying "family is the most important". I thought it was my duty although she was never very nice to me. She did continue to verbally abuse me while we lived together.

I found myself with a deep fear of anyone who showed me maternal care, which was ill-fated as I started a job where my boss was very kind and loving to me. I just nervously smiled and panicked around her because I was so afraid of being misinterpreted. Eventually the workplace would make jokes. I said I'd like to work in an old people's home and everyone laughed and said "yeah, of course she does." It culminated when two girls kissed outside and my coworker said "I knew you'd like that." I went to the bathroom and cried. My boss said to me "just because you and I can't work together doesn't mean you can't continue to work here." I obviously quit, horrified.

I basically went into a psychosis at this point because I was living a double life: one where I was an amicable, socially adept girl with potential suitors, and one where I was an autistic reject lesbian.

I had to start university that year anyway, and I remember even there just my demeanour around a cool professor woman caused people to make jokes. I once said the moon in a Sylvia Plath poem represented women, and someone in class said "she would say that." That professor crossed paths with me after I stopped attending her class and said "don't bury your feelings."

I managed to actually make two amazing friends who were queer and dealing with mental illness, too, and they didn't believe I was autistic. They made me feel safe and like I belonged. For the first time I felt I knew what it meant to be loved and included, but all that would change.

I dropped out of university and moved home where I worked menial jobs, hardly being able to keep them down. I overheard my boss saying once "we don't want someone like her working here." It was in such a job I met my ex, my first boyfriend at age 21. I was his first girlfriend, too. We had a torrid relationship where we did not have sex but were mutually infatuated and did everything besides sex. He says to this day he has his own problems with sex and that's why he didn't want to have sex with me. I took it personally as further proof there was something wrong with me.

While one of my best friends from university confided in me about her sexual abuse she faced, I found myself in a situation where I had initiated a sexual act on my ex without first asking. As soon as he said "what the fuck", I stopped and I was completely guilt ridden yet addicted to the security of the relationship and maintaining our friend groups. I didn't want to break up and lose all that though I constantly barraged him with questions about why he didn't want to have sex with me. I knew I was being completely unfair and completely selfish but was so dependent and lacking self-esteem that I couldn't do any better and had a confirmation bias for any proof that he did in fact like me.

Finally he messaged other girls leading to us breaking up and I was hit with my own abusiveness. Knowing what my best friend from university had went through, and what I had done, I went into a very deep dark place.

I moved back to the city to be with the other friend from university and she ignored me the whole time I was there, which further depressed me. I started using drugs, drinking heavily, participating in bulimic behaviours and sleeping with random men for validation.

Meanwhile my other best friend from university tried to console me on the phone every night but I couldn't tell her what was really wrong.

On top of this, I had moved in with a nightmare roommate who took it upon herself to mock me to show me how stupid I looked, as though I was trying to be "edgy" and not deeply traumatized by both the world and myself.

My best friend from university cut contact with me and I was increasingly isolated, scared and depressed.

I moved in with my family and accused them of being a part of this ridicule, as my roommate had told me one day "THEY will have a very nice funeral for you," and it seemed like she was hinting at my family being behind it.

My family denied knowing anything about it and according to a hospital stay after I declared myself suicidal, I was apparently in a psychosis. At the hospital they talked about jail around me and asked if it was possible they could be talking about me. I said no, out of fear that I would go to jail.

I began to think people were talking about personal aspects of my life and jail at my workplaces, causing me to quit several workplaces.

Finally I worked up the courage to ask a coworker what was going on and she said she had no clue what I was talking about. She was very kind about it.

Anyway, I still have friends, but it seems none of them really know me and I fear if they did, they would want nothing to do with me.

I find it incredibly hard to believe there is hope for me romantically or socially. I feel like I'm just surviving. I'm still not convinced my family wasn't involved in mocking me—either because I was autistic and they wanted to protect me, or because they wanted to punish me for being a bad family member.

I resent putting so much of my life out here publicly but basically, I just want to know if anyone has any ideas of how to fix this, where to go from here…

And for the record, I've apologized to my ex and not only did he accept my apology and assure me it was ok, but we also are very good friends which I'm incredibly grateful for. We talk every day.

Am I wrong to be depressed when in some ways I'm so lucky or should I indeed kill myself?

 

[enjoytheride]

You can message me if you like.

 

[darksouls]

hello and welcome to sasu

 

[100percentbeer]

Hey guys, I updated my post with the whole story since I don't have DM privileges. Thanks if anyone takes the time to read and give feedback

 

[enjoytheride]

Thank you for taking the time and entrusting us with what you have been through. I think you are a strong person for having survived so many disappointments, and also a person of integrity (e.g., how you apologized to your ex-boyfriend).

I wish I was able to give you some golden advice that would really make a difference. What I can think of at the moment is that your post leaves me with the impression that you worry too much about what others think and say, and how they perceive you. This can be a bad thing in the sense that it can make you forget you have inherent value and that the one defining your life is you. In other words, one of the side effects of this is giving you the illusion of powerlessness - a person starts believing everything is in the hands of others. It is, if you mentally and factually put it in their hands.

So my advice would be: seriously reflect on what you would like for your life long-term and how that should impact your short and medium-term plans. I believe you need to design a project for your self and make that project the backbone of your life and your psyche. The backbone shouldn't be others and pleasing them, but devising and executing your project - developing, growing personally and professionally. Acquiring skills and knowledge is what will open doors for you long-term and give you the freedom and increased self-esteem that you need.

You can use this image as a reminder:



You can grow in and around yourself without becoming associal or anti-social. Just make it clear in your mind who and where you want to be and start building that shell around it, and around your soul, in spirals. Whenever you feel lost, such as after a disappointment, return to it.

Best wishes!

 

[100percentbeer]

Thank you for taking the time and entrusting us with what you have been through. I think you are a strong person for having survived so many disappointments, and also a person of integrity (e.g., how you apologized to your ex-boyfriend).

I wish I was able to give you some golden advice that would really make a difference. What I can think of at the moment is that your post leaves me with the impression that you worry too much about what others think and say, and how they perceive you. This can be a bad thing in the sense that it can make you forget you have inherent value and that the one defining your life is you. In other words, one of the side effects of this is giving you the illusion of powerlessness - a person starts believing everything is in the hands of others. It is, if you mentally and factually put it in their hands.

So my advice would be: seriously reflect on what you would like for your life long-term and how that should impact your short and medium-term plans. I believe you need to design a project for your self and make that project the backbone of your life and your psyche. The backbone shouldn't be others and pleasing them, but devising and executing your project - developing, growing personally and professionally. Acquiring skills and knowledge is what will open doors for you long-term and give you the freedom and increased self-esteem that you need.

You can use this image as a reminder:

View attachment 173043

You can grow in and around yourself without becoming associal or anti-social. Just make it clear in your mind who and where you want to be and start building that shell around it, and around your soul, in spirals. Whenever you feel lost, such as after a disappointment, return to it.

Best wishes!

This is honestly one of the most beautiful and insightful pieces of advice I've ever been written, and I know you worked for every bit of that insight because you're on here with a bunch of suicidal people (like me). Thanks man, I do love the shell. I will keep that visual

 

[orpheus_]

It really sounds terrible, what you've gone through. First of all, you did not deserve it. Nobody should make fun of you for being autistic or a lesbian, they are just fucking jerks. Some people just cannot deal with the fact that some people in the world are different and that's not a reason to treat them badly. There's nothing wrong with being queer. And there's nothing wrong with being autistic (though it can make life harder in some aspects). People around you used these traits as insults, making you believe that they're inherently bad, but they're not.

Still I realize that all of those situations must have hurt, even if they were unfair. And it must be hard living like this.

I would say, try to find some people who are like you and stick to them. To them, and your plans.

So my advice would be: seriously reflect on what you would like for your life long-term and how that should impact your short and medium-term plans.

(I second this^)
I know it's not that easy but there are other queer and autistic people out there. There's a lot, actually.
Autistic (and generally neurodivergent) people can have genuine and satisfying relationships,.ESPECIALLY with one another. It's proven that for someone with ASD it's significantly easier to communicate with other autistics, and bond with them.

Generally speaking, there are communities and places where your sexuality or neurodivergence is not something bad, just a characteristic of you, that's all. Whether it's easy to find them locally depends on where you live, really. Maybe you could think about moving out to somewhere more accepting? I don't know where you live, but in every country there are cities and areas which are known to be more friendly to queer people. And if that's nit an option for you, maybe look for something online.

Just.. try to find your little piece of the world, I guess, which will protect you from the people that are cruel. Something you like, hobbies, work, academic goals. And maybe your people. You are not broken, and you're very strong. And your life can be good. You are allowed to feel bad, even if you feel like you're "lucky" in some aspects, still you've gone through some shit.. but that doesn't mean you should kill yourself. There's a chance for you, still. And good luck!

I might not know what you're exactly going through